King Rat: Deep Water
by EzraTheBlue
Summary: It's a simple deal- what Gojyo wants in exchange for good behavior and silence. If he breaks the contract, he loses it. However, Kanzeon Bosatsu has other plans for them. How will they continue West bearing this burden? The first in the trilogy and a rewrite of one of my older stories. Updates every other week!
1. 1: A Deal with the Devil

**King Rat: Deep Water**

**Notes: **For the uninitiated, this is a rewrite of the original King Rat story. It's bigger and better and with a little more stuff that will get me banned. For those who are here because they read the original, welcome back! Don't spoil the surprises.

When you see a Suggested Track, that's music that inspired the scene or goes with the scene, because I write with music. They go from where denoted to the end of the scene, as denoted by a line break, unless otherwise noted. Enjoy!

**Disclaimer: **Saiyuki and its characters belong to Kazuya Minekura-sensei. The scenario is mine. This story has been cross-posted to AO3 and FFN, but it should not be seen anywhere else. (If I do upload it elsewhere, I'll be sure to make a note of it.)

* * *

**1: Deal with the Devil**

There was only one room, and in it were only two beds, and Hakkai won at cards every single time. The Sanzo party had been on the road for more than three months now, and December had come on bitterly cold. They had been fortunate enough to find a town with an inn that night, as they were sick to death of sleeping in the cold and nearly sick in body from the same, they didn't even care that there was only one room with only two beds. They just settled things like they always did- a simple card game.

Three hands of poker, no bluffs, whoever drew the highest hand won, and Hakkai always won. His sleeves must have had Kings, Aces, and Jokers sewn into the sleeves. Goku had come in second, because every once in a while, the monkey hit a lucky streak. Rather than electing to keep the ever-warring kappa and priest apart from one another, he took the second bed and left the two together. Two futons were laid on the chilly floor of the inn room, side by side, crowded and cramped yet thankful for the body heat, with Hakkai in one bed and Goku in the other. Both were already fast asleep, but they were the only two with the good fortune to find sleep so easily. Genjo Sanzo and Sha Gojyo were on opposite sides of the room, perpendicular from their other party members and staring directly at one another: Sanzo with what seemed to be immeasurable hatred, and Gojyo with a cigarette between his fingers and a sneer painted onto his features. It wasn't that they couldn't sleep; allegedly, it was that neither wanted to agree on where.

"Pick a blanket, pretty boy," Gojyo taunted in a low voice, puffing a smoke ring and licking his lower lip, just begging Sanzo to react. "Come on, I ain't got all night."

"I'll kill you," Sanzo muttered, giving Gojyo zero satisfaction. "I could wipe that smirk off your face permanently, and put coins in your eyes and a bullet between them without a second thought."

"I love it when you talk dirty," Gojyo teased, tossing his hair back. "Now, what's it gonna be? You next to the idiot monkey, and myself protected by Hakkai, or you by Hakkai and me arguing with the idiot monkey all night?"

"When the fuck do you even sleep?" Sanzo grumbled, his voice a bored monotone. "All you do at night is toss and moan about how badly you want to get laid."

"I don't sleep well alone. I need a teddy bear, preferably one with a good set of tits," Gojyo chuckled as he tapped the ash off the end of his cigarette. "Masturbation only takes the edge off, you know. I could yank it until I passed out, and I'd wake up five minutes later knowing I didn't get laid."

"For fuck's sake," Sanzo hissed, rolling his eyes. "I'm sick of hearing you talk. Do you really need to get laid to sleep?" Gojyo smirked eagerly; he liked where this was going.

"Damn right. What, are you volunteering? I'll even pass ya my wallet if you're willing to brave the cold. I'll tell ya now- I like 'em with big t-"

"If it'll shut you up and make you sleep the whole night without disturbing me, I'll give you exactly what you want." With that, Sanzo began to strip his robes down, leaving them folded over his obi, and pulled his pants to the floor. Gojyo shook his head, wearing a derisive smirk that revealed a little of his teeth.

"You're not gonna get me a hooker dressed like that."

"Who said anything about a hooker?" Sanzo replied coolly, and yanked his robes and belt off. "You want sex, you can come goddamn get it." As Sanzo kicked his jeans aside, the smile slid from Gojyo's face.

"I don't do that, man. I want a woman. I want a goddamn woman!"

"I'm not interested in men either, but frankly, I don't care right now." Sanzo pulled a cigarette from his waistband and tucked it in his jaw in one silky motion. "I won't say a word, I'll let you do what you want with my body, and you will go to sleep having had a fuck." Sanzo lit his cigarette and folded his arms, as Gojyo stared at him, agape. Sanzo waited to Gojyo to refuse, shut up, and go to sleep.

"Wait, ain't you priests supposed to be all chaste and celibate and shit?" Of course Gojyo wouldn't shut up. Sanzo dragged deeply on his cigarette, and started to explain in the slow, delicate voice one reserved for simple children:

"Celibate doesn't mean 'virginal.' Celibate means 'unmarried.' People think it means abstinent from sex, but they're wrong. And as for chaste, Buddhism tells us that the body is meaningless. It is the soul." Sanzo let smoke puff from his lips, and continued. "You don't seem the type to remember your lessons, but let me give you a refresher. There are four great truths in Buddhism, the third of which is that 'suffering ends when craving ends,' and as a priest, I will lead you to goddamn Enlightenment by ending your cravings for fucking." Sanzo extinguished his cigarette and pulled his gloves off, letting them drop beside his jeans. "And if you're not going to buy that explanation, I don't care about Buddhism. I care only about my master, and my master cared about making others happy. Screwing will make you happy, so be it. Moreover, if I don't get you to shut up and sleep, we aren't going to complete our mission, and I'm never going to be happy. Got it?"

Sanzo looked at Gojyo, but realized that he wasn't paying attention. He had instead retrieved a beer from their pack and begun to pour it down his throat. He put the empty can in the trash and opened another one. The tab had barely finished hissing before Gojyo put the can to his lips. Sanzo raised a cold eyebrow as he drained the can, wiped his lips as he gasped for breath, and turned to the priest.

"Look, we'll make a deal. Give me five minutes." With that, Gojyo opened another beer and poured it into his gullet like he needed to replace his blood.

* * *

**(Suggested Track: "Alone Down There," Modest Mouse)**

Five minutes and six empty beer cans later, Gojyo and Sanzo were seated on the floor of the bathroom with a piece of blank paper torn from the inn's neglected ledger and a pen. Sanzo hadn't bothered retrieving his clothes but had dug a pen from one of his sleeves and had filled the ledger with calligraphy detailing a basic contract. Gojyo wasn't paying attention, draining a seventh can as quickly as he could. Sanzo finally detached the beer can from his lips. "Are you still sober enough to do business?"

"Alcohol hasn't hit bottom yet, I'm good," Gojyo chuckled, though the pink in his cheeks suggested otherwise. He wiped his mouth. "Just tell me what it says." Sanzo scoffed and straightened the paper out, reading in his usual bored tone:

"I, Sha Gojyo, hereby agree that in exchange for shutting my trap and not pissing Genjo Sanzo off, I will be granted the privilege and opportunity to have sexual relations with Genjo Sanzo.

I, Genjo Sanzo, hereby agree that in exchange for the silence and appropriate behavior of Sha Gojyo, I will allow aforementioned pervert to participate in sexual relations with my person.

Both parties agree that the contents of this contract and all activities related to it will remain secret. Should the aforementioned information be compromised by revelation to or discussion with any parties not mentioned in this contract, this contract will be considered null and void." Sanzo took another drag on his cigarette, and slowly exhaled. "Sign." Without a second thought, Gojyo took the pen from the table and scrawled his name, lopsided and seemingly misspelled. Sanzo signed his name directly under, and put the date beside it. "There. Now, I'm going to lay down and shut up. Do whatever it is you want to do."

"Wait, you want to suck me off, or should I just stick it in your ass?" Gojyo pounded the floor, trying to keep his attention.

"Put it in my ass." Sanzo sounded disgusted to repeat Gojyo's phrasing. "I won't feel it. If you put it in my mouth, I'd have to taste it." Sanzo got on his knees, folding his arms on the ground, leaving his hindquarters in the air as an open offer. "Just... get it over with." Gojyo stared at Sanzo before him, who stared at him with apathetic eyes, and at the thin trail of smoke from his cigarette drifting lazily past his forehead. He couldn't even muster a comeback.

"You're going to need to give me another minute. I can't get hard with you staring at me like that," Gojyo finally said, and turned partially away from Sanzo, who scoffed towards the tile.

"I thought you were perpetually hard."

"Shut up," Gojyo hissed. He briefly thought to his companions in the next room, thinking of what they would think of him. He tried to pretend they weren't there, and that the monk laid on the mat was a beautiful blonde woman. The alcohol had begun to affect him, and as his vision blurred, he could see Sanzo as a pretty woman. A woman. Yes, a beautiful woman. He pulled his pants down, as his cock rose to half-mast, slowly growing at just the potential of having sex with a woman. Oh, the woman was in his imagination, but it had been so, so long. Gojyo felt his lips curl into a devious smirk as he grabbed his member with one hand, thinking about a warm, tight body for him. Just for him, oh yes; no way tightass Sanzo had done this before. It would be tight, he thought, and warm, and tight. Want it, want it, think of how good it's going to feel. He gave it a few slow strokes, he licked his hand, he grasped his cock harder. Slowly, the beast reared its head, swelling and engorging, turning crimson with pent-up passion. The demon from his depths wanted a vacation from the left hand, and as he found himself fully erect, Gojyo turned back to Sanzo. Sanzo didn't look; he was drumming his fingers lightly on the floor and bracing himself against the side of the tub, clearly putting his mind somewhere else. Gojyo shook it off with a thought: 'He may be a man, but he's as bored as any hooker.'

"Hurry up, my knees are getting cold," Sanzo complained quietly, but Gojyo held his tongue.

Gojyo sauntered across the room, feet silent on the icy bathroom tiles, and he knelt behind Sanzo, lifted the back of his robes, and surveyed his pale, thin back. Sanzo sighed softly, impatiently, but said nothing. Gojyo tried to focus through his now-affected head. The alcohol was working- Sanzo had a thin waist, and with the help of the liquor, Sanzo looked enough like a woman from the waist down, at least until he started easing his cock into the crack. He hesitated for a second as he glanced at Sanzo's exposed manhood, but reminded himself- 'it's not about who or what it is, it's a warm body to put myself into.'

Gojyo spread Sanzo's flesh out in his palms, found Sanzo's tight asshole. He gazed upon the offered opening like they were the gates to Heaven, and forced his way in with one quick buck of his hips. He heard Sanzo make a noise like he'd been punched in the gut, but the monk quickly bit down on his fist to silence himself. Gojyo pulled back, and thrust again, bucking his hips and pressing his bones into the soft flesh of Sanzo's backside. Another thrust, hard, deliberate, forcing himself as far into the tight, warm gap as he could. Sanzo made another muffled noise, and if Gojyo wasn't as drunk as he was, he would have considered it a moan of pleasure. Instead, he thrust into Sanzo again, and felt a grin creep to his face. 'Sex with a man,' he thought, 'is not so bad at all.' He gripped onto Sanzo's shoulders, holding on tight, pulling him back towards him. His rhythm was slow, but the beat was hard, throbbing like a bass guitar, and it may well have shaken the room. "Dirty bastard," he found himself muttering as he pounded against Sanzo. "Dirty, rotten, bastard, you love it, don't you-" Gojyo felt a light kick, and looked down at Sanzo's foot on his thigh, then to Sanzo's face. Sanzo shook his head 'no,' and Gojyo remembered the two youkai sleeping three meters and one door away. Gojyo grinned drunkenly; he did have an audience for this performance.

With a slap of flesh to flesh, Gojyo pushed his cock deeper and harder into Sanzo, and Sanzo let out another, more pained moan. He pounded the floor with one fist, bracing one hand to the wall and biting down on his free arm, but Gojyo ignored his antics. He pulled back and bucked again, trying as hard as he could to make Sanzo moan again. He shifted his hands, sliding up Sanzo's back and gently squeezing Sanzo's chest. He found the nipples between his middle and index fingers like a cigarette, and rolled them between his fingers. Yes, Gojyo decided- he has breasts. Flat breasts. "And here I said I liked big ones," he cackled, though more to himself than anything. Sanzo made a muffled noise and tightened around him, and Gojyo laughed deviously, out of breath as he continued to ram Sanzo from behind.

He was feeling the pressure build against the head of his member, his seed aching to escape. He couldn't resist, and it had been too long since he'd actually let himself orgasm, but he couldn't lose this. He hadn't even realized that despite the cold floor and the cold company, this was the best sex he'd had in years. He pushed himself back from Sanzo, almost feeling his manhood freeze, but it wasn't enough to halt his passion. He doubled over and let his cum gush onto the floor, gasping to himself, and he could hear Sanzo sigh with relief.

Gojyo panted roughly, his jaw slack in his sudden tiredness. He tucked his cock back into his boxers and wiped his seed from the floor and smeared it onto the sink. Sanzo remained on his hands and knees, head to the ground and hands folded in what some would think was prayer. He got up as Gojyo pushed himself back to lean against the wall and light a cigarette. He chuckled softly to himself as Sanzo dusted himself off. The priest looked at the seemingly sated kappa with disgust and disdain, shaking at the fingers, and suddenly punched him in the face. Gojyo yelped and covered his eye, as Sanzo's entire body shook with barely-contained rage.

"Next time you do that, you… spit on your cock first!" Vitriol poured from his tongue, rage from his every motion. His cheeks were bright pink. Gojyo choked out a laugh, and extinguished his half-finished cigarette.

"Just go to bed," Gojyo chuckled, shaking his head as the bruise began to blossom on his face. "And... thank you." He sunk at the waist in a half-bow. Sanzo huffed wordlessly and dodged from the bathroom. Gojyo watched through the crack in the door lay down on the mat next to Hakkai, pulling the covers over his head. Gojyo kept his laugh under his tongue, and decided that he, too, was exhausted. He'd poured himself into his favorite hobby, and found his body satisfied despite his icy reception. He slid down the wall and into the bathtub, closing his eyes for the night without a second thought to any other element of comfort.

"Enlightenment, huh?" He chuckled to himself, but was gone before he could think any further.

* * *

When the party awoke to Hakuryu's crying at the rising sun, Hakkai, Sanzo, and Goku found that they were short one member. None of them had the presence of mind to worry, but they never did; it was easier to assume he'd gone off on his own and would turn up without a second thought to their concern. The three went down the stairs to the dining room, where surely enough, Gojyo waited with a table. It seemed a waitress had already brought an order of breakfast and laid it out, with four empty plates waiting to be filled. Gojyo waved to them, and they joined him.

"Good morning, Hakkai!" Gojyo sounded exceptionally cheery. "Good morning, idiot monkey!" Goku tried to hit him, but he caught his wrist and yanked him down to his seat. He turned to Sanzo, the smile on his face subduing, and he simply nodded in the priest's general direction. Sanzo grunted irritably.

"Good morning to you too, Gojyo. That is a most excellent black eye." Hakkai took it in with his usual cheer. "Where did you get it?" Gojyo continued to grin, not certain how to answer, but fortunately, Sanzo intervened.

"I gave it to him," Sanzo muttered, taking a seat at the table. "He deserved it."

"Ahh, of course. I should have known. Gojyo, did you sleep at all sharing the floor with Sanzo?"

"Oh, I slept wonderfully. Now, can we all just be quiet? I've got a murderous headache." Gojyo continued to smile, pulling out chairs for Goku and Hakkai. Gojyo sat down after they did, and began to load up his plate with fried eggs and cucumbers.

"Eh, Gojyo, you have a hangover?" Goku asked, blinking innocently. "I didn't see you drink that much last night."

"He did, and then I punched him," Sanzo grumbled, as he poured himself a cup of tea and flipped open his newspaper. Hakkai looked at Gojyo expectantly, waiting for the retort, but Gojyo said nothing. Goku began to eat quickly, but Gojyo ate calmly, subdued, much like Sanzo and Hakkai.

The atmosphere seemed oddly stiff without Gojyo and Goku's usual antics, and though Sanzo didn't seem to mind, Hakkai gently muffled a nervous laugh. He'd known Gojyo for three years, and he'd never seen the man act nearly so mature, especially when taking abuse from Sanzo. In fact, Gojyo was normally the one initiating the arguments. Hakkai decided it was time to put on the "adult pants" and see what the children were up to. He looked at Sanzo, and spoke in a very serious voice. "What happened between you two after I went to sleep last night?" Sanzo and Gojyo both choked mid-bite, looking at one another briefly, before Sanzo looked back at Hakkai.

"Why do you ask?" He asked, his voice as muted as it always was.

"He's acting so civil, especially towards you." Hakkai chose his words carefully, picking up his teacup between his palms. Gojyo's eyes darted anxiously between Hakkai and Sanzo, as he downed a glass of water. Goku didn't seem to be paying attention. Sanzo kept his eyes on his newspaper, his face unreadable.

"Gojyo and I had a discussion at length and have temporarily resolved our issues," Sanzo said after a moment. Hakkai smiled and giggled airily.

"Was this before or after you punched him?" Hakkai took a sip of his tea, as Gojyo gobbled his way through a cucumber. Sanzo huffed softly and didn't respond. "Still, it will be nice, the two of you not arguing. Perhaps we shall complete our mission with greater ease." Gojyo and Sanzo gave each other a firm glare, as though to remind one another of their contract, and continued to eat in silence.

* * *

Kanzeon Bosatsu, the Goddess of Mercy, witnessed their actions from Heaven on high with mild interest. She giggled softly to herself, and Jiroushin peered into her garden from the gate.

"Did you say something, milady?"

"Just thinking," she answered. She traced her cheekbone with one finger, smiling blithely. Jiroushin withheld his confusion, only too used to his mistress's furtive nature, knowing she would explain when she was ready. She looked up to face him. "What would you think if I decided to send the Sanzo party a small gift?"

"Pardon me, goddess, but you generally don't give gifts," Jiroushin suggested timidly. "Not for many years."

"Yes, but Genjo Sanzo is performing an act in the name of Buddhism, so he says." Kanzeon Bosatsu smiled slyly, turning back to the image of the Sanzo party leaving the inn and heading out into the snow. "I give gifts to my students and followers- that is the rule, isn't it?" She examined her scrying pool, swirling the image with the tip of her fingernail. "Genjo Sanzo has always been of interest to me, and it would be only to his ultimate benefit. He has opened himself to an interesting opportunity. Besides, I've loose ends to tie up." She laughed under her breath, and got to her feet. "I have some work to do. I've decided." She clapped her hands together. "I shall gift-wrap a special present for the high priest."

* * *

**End Notes:** I wanted to make a note on chapter numbering here. The original King Rat was 10 chapters and an omake. The way I did this rewrite was by taking the original chapters, going line by line to edit dialogue and syntax, and at points inserting entire scenes. These entire scenes came to be chapters in their own right, the longest of which I believe ended up at 26 pages inserted basically between two paragraphs. I have numbered chapters corresponding to the original chapters from which they sprouted, so next week, instead of chapter 2, we'll have chapter 1B. It'll be a nice little bonus for those who archived the original King Rat that want to compare.

Reviews and comments are better than chocolate to me, so please leave one! Comments, questions, and suggestions are welcome! No matter what, updates will be every other week, so, I'll see you then!


	2. 1B: Where Will You Wake Up?

**King Rat: Deep Water**

**Author Notes: **Those of you who saw the sneak preview will find most of this chapter familiar. There is a little new material, but other than that... enjoy your smut!

**Disclaimer: **Saiyuki- not mine. The story is.

* * *

**1B: Where Will You Wake Up?**

After their sixth rest stop of the morning, as Gojyo swaggered back from the section of juniper trees he'd chosen to 'decorate' with the leftovers of last night's liquor, Sanzo grabbed him by his collar and yanked him back towards the trees.

"Shit, Sanzo, what th'-"

"Shut up." Sanzo held him by the collar, glancing over his shoulder all the while. Hakkai hadn't emerged from where he'd gone for privacy, and Goku was flat on his back making snow angels. "How much do you remember from last night?"

"Most of it." Gojyo yanked Sanzo's hand off of him. "I've been quiet, ain't I? Ain't that what you wanted?" He folded his arms across his chest and shivered- his coat wasn't warm enough for him to be standing around talking with _this_ asshole when the Jeep was _right there_.

"You will be quiet, or you will not get what you want out of me." Sanzo reached into his sleeve, gripping and squeezing the contract. "And I get to call the shots on what is considered 'behaving.' Got it?"

"Yeah, yeah, got it." Gojyo looked over Sanzo's shoulder again. Goku had gotten up and started looking around.

"And even more, if either of those two find out, then it's over." Sanzo leaned close to his ear. "I will deny I ever touched you, I will never let you near me again, and I'll tear your face off if you even try to touch me. I will make your life a living hell for every second I have to be in contact with you."

"Fine." Gojyo pushed Sanzo back, and folded his arms. Normally, he would have laughed it off- stick-up-his-ass monk being a stick-up-his-ass monk, nothing more. Maybe it was because they had slept together, but something about the way Sanzo said it chilled him. It was reminder enough of exactly what their arrangement was going to be. Sanzo turned away and stalked back towards the car, and Gojyo waited for a second, then yelled after him: "Hey, watch out! I spell my name real big!" Sanzo swore back at him, and Gojyo chuckled.

_Well, if that's the way it's gonna be, that's fine. I'll show him how it's gonna be._

**Suggested Track: "Miss Jackson," Panic! At the Disco**

Snowstorms normally were not enough like rainstorms to keep Sanzo awake, but this blustering night, the patter of water on the roof was not the only thing occupying his mind. He'd gone to bed at a sensible time, but the noise from the neighboring tavern where his bodyguards had tarried was riotous and striking. He also knew he had to try and wait for them. He tossed against his pillow, letting his hair tangle against the linen, until he heard the echo of familiar voices singing something annoying in the snow-covered streets. Footsteps passed just under his window, with the three voices that buzzed in his ear all daylight disturbing the peace of the night. Sanzo pulled his pillow over his face, momentarily blocking the racket, until the door to his room swung open.

"Gojyo, you have your own room tonight!" Goku reminded him from elsewhere in the hallway. Gojyo snickered from the door, his form black against the light as he hung in the portal. Sanzo could smell the whiskey reeking off of him from there, and as Gojyo snickered and turned away, it wafted towards him.

"Yeah, guess so. Whoops." He leaned on the door, his whole frame askew as he sloppily hung himself against the wall. "I'll get there." He staggered away for a moment.

"Are you sure, Gojyo?" Sanzo resisted the urge to groan as Hakkai chimed in.

"Yeah, I got it man. Night." He waved as he pushed himself off the wall, and Sanzo heard two doors shut. Gojyo turned back into the doorway, leering at Sanzo's prone form in the bed from across the room. "Hey there. You awake?"

"How can I sleep with all the commotion you assholes are making?" Sanzo threw the pillow at him as he sat up. Gojyo batted it aside as he swaggered to the bed, his hips already loose, his thumbs in his waistband.

"Don't be salty, man. Look, was I good today, or not?" He beamed and knelt on the bed, his hips near Sanzo's waist, and Sanzo's stomach roiled at the stench of liquor floating from his throat.

"Up until the past two hours, yes." Sanzo scowled. "So-"

"I swear, I'll be quick." Gojyo folded his hands, interlacing his fingers.

"A comfort," Sanzo snapped, each syllable staccato.

"I wasn't even messin' with you the last two hours, I was havin' fun with the guys!" Gojyo got up to his feet. "Come on, please, I'm dyin'!"

"Then die already." Sanzo rolled over, but Gojyo shook his shoulder.

"Is it cause I was so rough last night? Look, I'll be quick, and I'll be gentle." Gojyo's voice took a tender mien, as he crawled onto the bed and straddled Sanzo's hips. "You won't even know I'm here. It might even feel good if you relax. Just say yes. Please?"

Sanzo pushed Gojyo back, his palm in his chest. "Will it make you shut up?"

"Yeah." Gojyo unbuckled his belt, as Sanzo rolled back the sheet.

"Then get it over with!" He buried his nose in the pillow, waiting for Gojyo to make his move. Gojyo, however, slowly slid his hand up Sanzo's back, then traced the curve of his back down his spine, only just digging one fingernail into the skin, leaving a thin red line all the way down.

"Don't do it just to shut me up. Do it cause you want me to." Gojyo leaned down and nipped at his ear. "Say you want me."

"I-" Sanzo hissed, and rolled his back to the mattress. "I want you." His eyes were lidded and dark, but Gojyo snickered.

"Whatever you say." He shifted himself over Sanzo again, thighs over his hips, and began to fold the bottom of his shirt up, revealing his navel. He exhaled slowly, his breath sour from the alcohol rotting in his insides, but Sanzo-

_Oh, Sanzo, why'd you become a monk?_

He wasn't as drunk as he had been the last night, so it almost felt like he was seeing this for the first time. With Sanzo flat on his back under the window, the light reflecting off the snow highlighted each divet of his muscles and every rosy scar on his ice-pale, icy chest. Sanzo's breath was almost nil, as he lay with his head back and stared out the window behind him. Gojyo gripped the sheets with one hand and pulled Sanzo's shirt off with the other.

"Must you?" Sanzo grunted as Gojyo yanked the tight top over his neck.

"Let me look at you. You look like a fucking angel on your back." He could feel the fabric straining under his bent knuckles, but dove forth and laid a trail of kisses down Sanzo's breastbone to his navel. Sanzo made no noise, no motion, not even a hint that he felt it. Hiding his disappointment with a smirk, Gojyo slowly unbuttoned Sanzo's pants and unzipped his fly, then slid down his underwear. He slid his fingers into the patch of kinky golden hair, then combed it between them. _Why do you smell so good? You don't smell like a woman, but why is your scent so bittersweet? _

Gojyo touched Sanzo's manhood, two fingers across the shaft like he could take its pulse, and he heard Sanzo exhale slowly- _he's getting impatient._ His turgid cock was burgeoning at the seams of his boxer shorts, becoming almost painful to withhold. He stepped back from Sanzo for a moment and averted his eyes as he stripped, watching the snow that drifted from the heavens like feathers from a bird. He let his clothes fall from his hands and stepped out of them, then returned to the bed. He could see Sanzo counting ceiling tiles wordlessly.

_And here I boast being a good lover. Time to prove it._

He spat in his hand and slid his index finger into Sanzo's entrance, and Sanzo jerked his knees up to his chest. Gojyo traced a circle inside him, then slid in the middle finger alongside it. "A-ah," Sanzo protested under his breath, eyes shut tight, toes curling. Gojyo grinned- he was still so tight, it was too easy to get a reaction once he started. He tested his fingers a few times, slid them in and out slowly, then spread them just enough to be noticeable. Sanzo stretched his jaw wide, but no words nor outcry escaped. And yet, Gojyo could feel his muscles contracting around his fingers as he delved in deeper, then pressed in. Sanzo did cry out softly at this, but the nerves screamed down to his rising erection.

_Yeah, you're feeling it._ He continued to twist his fingers, twitching them fast and faster against the sweet spot he'd found. He heard Sanzo's breath catch and release unevenly, syncopated with his thrusts, unable to keep the air in him. Gojyo noticed he'd brought his hand to his mouth and started biting on the lowest phalange of his pinky finger to keep himself silent. Gojyo drew his fingers out slowly, teasing the tightest muscle on the way out. Sanzo gasped, but Gojyo scooted closer.

"See? I'm not so bad." He drew his hips closer to Sanzo's exposed self, then spit on his hand again and rubbed it on his cock. He gently pushed himself in, and Sanzo took him in with a soft grunt, then bit down on his palm. Gojyo tugged Sanzo's legs around his waist, bracing him to his back, and began to slowly run his length in and out, in and out. Gojyo, however, was more interested in what was in front of him- he wrapped his fingers in a firm grip around Sanzo's dick and stroked.

_Just like doing it to myself._

Sanzo's mouth fell open again, releasing his hand. He stuffed it back in as Gojyo continued both the motion of his hips and his hand. The veins throbbed in Gojyo's palm, the whole muscle alive and writhing in his grip. Gojyo smiled, and leaned down towards Sanzo again, his legs sliding down around his hips, as close as he could without letting go. "You don't have to say anything. You just have to come for me." He squeezed, and Sanzo gasped again, then swallowed hard. Gojyo pressed the head of his cock as deep into Sanzo as he could, and leaned down to his ear. "Or for you. Do it for you- I'll never tell. I just wanna see it." He tightened his grip, he pressed the pulsing vein. All the muscles in Sanzo's belly rolled, and he gasped one last time as the heat built up in the head of his cock escaped. It may as well have emitted plumes of steam in his hand when he drew it away.

"You've let that build up forever, huh?"

"Shut up." Sanzo slid his hand over his eyes. "Just... finish."

"I am." Gojyo withdrew, still hot, still hard, but barely wet. His erection was still pulsing and aching for release, but he wiped his hand off on his side and got to his feet. "I've had enough."

"You didn't-"

"No, I'm done." Gojyo scooped up his clothes, and Sanzo sat up. His back swayed uneasily, but he leaned forward and collapsed onto the sheet, staring up at Gojyo. He couldn't find any words dignified enough to express everything that Gojyo saw in his bewildered eyes. He smiled like he always did at the one-night-stands he'd walked away from- warmly, sweetly, lips spread but teeth hidden- and rubbed his cheek. "You've had enough, I've had enough. I said I'd be gentle, and I was, and I only left one mark." He traced the thin red line he'd left on Sanzo's back, and Sanzo slapped his hands away. Gojyo laughed again. "I'm out."

"And where are you going like that?" He glared at Gojyo's manhood. Gojyo chuckled and put his clothing over it.

"I dunno. Maybe somewhere I can put it."

"You'd leave me for someone else." Sanzo stared, burying his fingers in the rumpled bedsheets. It would have sounded accusatory from any other voice, but Gojyo didn't hear that in his contrite tone- Sanzo was mocking him.

"Do you care?" Gojyo put his hands on his hips.

"No." Sanzo dropped to the mattress, and Gojyo caught a glimpse of something he'd never seen in Sanzo's face before- disappointment? Sorrow?

_Nah, he doesn't even know the meaning of those things. Me, though..._

"Yeah, didn't think so. See ya in the mornin'." And with that he left, staggering from the blood rushing back to his head. The hallway was dim and cold as he crept away, his erection wilting. He couldn't stop thinking about it- he couldn't get him out of his head, he couldn't think of anything other than what he'd just walked away from. _Let him think I'm sleeping around._ He stumbled into his own room and his legs fell out from under him. He weakly threw his clothes over him, and feebly curled himself there. _Damn it. Here I thought I was going to teach him a lesson about having a lover like me. All I did was realize that I'm gonna crawl back, tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow._ He watched the snow outside for a few more minutes, and whispered the words he couldn't say:

_"It's only you, baby. You're all I want."_

* * *

**End Notes: **Since the next chapter is mostly unchanged, I think I'll post it next week, then get on with the really shiny new stuff. Opinions welcome as always! Don't forget to leave a review letting me know what you think and what you want to see!


	3. 2: The Doubt

**King Rat: Deep Water**

**Author Notes:** As promised!

**Disclaimer: **I own not a thing.

* * *

**2: The Doubt**

Hakkai had done nearly everything in his power to try and bring back what he recognized as the normal Sanzo and Gojyo, but it seemed that it was no use. For three months now, he had watched them dance their strange dance around one another, neither speaking to the other. Sanzo even seemed to leave himself deliberately open to insult as a test:

"This tea is the worst I've ever had," Sanzo grumbled one morning at breakfast in a small restaurant, as he dumped his cup onto his empty plate. "I'd probably get better from the berserk youkai."

Hakkai knew exactly how this exchange was meant to go, Gojyo was supposed to reply, 'Then why don't you get some from them? I'm sure they'd enjoy your company!' Certainly not the best reply, but Hakkai didn't expect more this early in the morning. Instead, Gojyo got to his feet, muttering, "Yeah, yeah, let me go get you another. What was wrong with it?"

"Overbrewed."

"I'll fix 'em," Gojyo sighed, and shuffled off towards the kitchen. Hakkai nearly dropped his monocle at observing this- how had Sanzo tamed Gojyo in a single night? Somehow, he couldn't buy that a single argument and a blackened eye had done the trick, but it had been this way for two months and Hakkai couldn't fathom the change.

In a desperate attempt to rouse some reaction, to see some spark of the back-and-forth that had livened their trip, Hakkai had resorted to putting Goku in the front seat and forcing the two to sit next to one another in the back seat. However, nothing worked. The two simply folded their arms, and Gojyo looked away from Sanzo when they were in the Jeep. Even if Goku started an argument, Gojyo would remain silent, chewing his tongue until Sanzo forced Goku to be silent with a whack of the harisen. After a full day with the once-warring parties forced to ride together and absolutely no incident, Hakkai was genuinely worried about Gojyo. He knew very well that Sanzo probably got along perfectly well in this manner when he was alone, silent and brooding. In fact, the only thing that had changed was that Sanzo was not threatening violence against Gojyo, perhaps because Gojyo was doing nothing to him. However, it was apparent to Hakkai that Gojyo was deliberately avoiding arguments with his party members, and barely even speaking at times, holding himself back. 'How could he be happy like that?' he wondered, but no answers were apparent. Hakkai knew Gojyo, and the Gojyo he'd seen since December was not him.

"Gojyo, I worry for you," Hakkai confessed in a serious voice, worry in his eyes. It had been two months since he'd noticed the change. The four of them were in a tavern like they were most nights, patching themselves up after encountering a particularly vicious tiger-like youkai. February had been bitterly cold thus far, and tonight was no exception. Gojyo was slumped backwards on a chair, straddling the back and slouching against the back rest, and Hakkai was knelt beside him. Sanzo was stretched out on the bed in the larger of their two rooms, examining the bandages on his arms and torso. Hakkai had patched them all up one after another, in order by injuries, from most severe to least severe. Gojyo had taken a fairly brutal beating, but Sanzo had burns up and down his body. Goku was last in line, with the extent of his wounds being a few bites (including one which left him now laying on the floor on his belly with his butt in the air, complaining about the pervy monster), and Hakkai didn't even need a 'kiss it better.' Gojyo was letting Hakkai clean his gashes out, but glanced over his shoulder apprehensively as this round of questioning began again. Hakkai had brought up the change in him often, and he didn't know what to tell him. Gojyo tried to do what he normally did; shrug it off.

"I'm just tired, man. Real tired." He remained still, his arm extended and shaking as Hakkai used his chi to close the gashes, then began to wrap the scars tightly in gauze.

"I worry for your health, then," Hakkai replied, as he moved around Gojyo, and lowered his volume. "You saved my life and nursed me back to health once, and I owe you the favor and more. I consider myself your friend, and I would be remiss in allowing you to suffer." Gojyo cursed quietly under his breath and lit a cigarette with his free hand.

"I really ain't got anything to tell you. Ain't nothin' to tell. Look at me. Do I look unhealthy to you? Do I look like I'm suffering?" Gojyo gave Hakkai a sharp look, not realizing how ragged his breath was, nor how bloodshot his eyes. Hakkai's meaningless smile returned.

"You look angry that I question you. If you don't want to talk, then I understand. Just know that you can talk to me any time at all." Hakkai continued to bandage Gojyo, and Sanzo looked at him meaningfully, and Gojyo sighed, then chuckled softly to himself, thinking, 'No, I can't.'

Sanzo kept the contract on hand, rolled in his sleeve and just visible to Gojyo if he looked in it at the right angle, or if Sanzo shifted his arm just-so. It was a constant reminder of just what Gojyo had sworn to, and what he stood to lose. It was straightforward enough that even he could understand the rules: He knew that as long as he didn't piss Sanzo off, he would get sex. If there was a day when he did not behave, he would go without. And thus far, he hadn't.

He also knew that he could not tell the others. As much as Gojyo liked to talk, this aspect was a particular challenge. He would have loved to tell Hakkai about how he was fucking Sanzo, about how good it was, but he knew that if he did, Hakkai would probably be disgusted or disappointed and Sanzo would cut him off completely. Neither of these options were especially appealing. And yet, if he could hold to these two terms, he could be sated and satisfied with his sex life.

To that end, he had entirely given up chasing women, fascinated only by his much easier conquest. This had caught Hakkai's attention as well, because he'd noticed that Gojyo was receiving less slaps to the face from waitresses, but Gojyo couldn't even be bothered to fake it. It burned him, because as much as he enjoyed himself when he was on top of Sanzo, he hated it. He didn't hate that he was sleeping with a man- he got over it because it was fun. Besides, it's not like he'd taken him to bed- he took him to the floor, or against the wall. No, he hated not acting like himself, but moreover, he hated what he was doing. He knew, in some ways, that he was taking advantage of Sanzo. He also knew that Sanzo would start to loathe him rather than his current indifference if he didn't at least make it worth Sanzo's while.

That was what had done it- that nagging guilt. It had set in the second night of their "arrangement," and had grown and itched at him ever since. For all his pleading for sex with the excuse that it would help him sleep, now he couldn't sleep soundly. The previous night had been the worst:

_Alone in the room, pinned to the bed, as it had been for so many nights now._ _Gojyo had been forcing himself to increase his endurance, to go longer, and Sanzo had not complained. He had not said anything. He never did, always silent, always bored, never betraying whether he even felt it. Gojyo had tried everything he could think of, from spanking to trying to jerk Sanzo off while he was mounting him. It was all futile- his resistance had only grown stronger. The silence made Gojyo's stomach turn._

_ "Pretend I'm here," Gojyo growled, and dug his fingers into Sanzo's hair. "Moan, or something!" Sanzo shivered, and suddenly gasped for air. "That's right- it does feel good, doesn't it?" He purred, and dragged his fingernails down Sanzo's hip as he thrust faster, his cock hot, tight, and swollen. Sanzo finally cried out, and Gojyo felt his passion build the pressure to the point where he couldn't hold it back anymore. His essence burst forth, his voice choked in his throat as everything he wanted to say caught there all at once, and he barely managed to pull himself back to let his seed fall onto the cushion rather than inside Sanzo. He panted to catch his breath, and Sanzo curled up into a ball, face in his knees. Gojyo pulled himself back, bloodless from the thighs down. "Y'know," he panted, "I'm goddamn lucky to have you." He collapsed onto his back, his head hanging off the edge of the bed. "Lucky, lucky me." __He closed his eyes and tried to breathe easy, until he heard Sanzo shift beside him._

_ "Have you ever heard about the first time I killed a man?" Sanzo murmured softly, not sitting up. Gojyo was still trying to catch his breath. "He tried to force me to do what you have me do." He rolled over onto his side and flailed his arm off the side of the bed to tug his gun out of his sleeve. "And now, I offer it willingly. What a strange world." He cocked the gun, pointing it straight at the ceiling. "I killed a man to protect myself, and of all people I let in, it's you." He mocked shooting the ceiling, and Gojyo held his tongue. "You're asleep already, aren't you?" Sanzo dropped the gun and pulled the pillow over his head. "It's not like it matters anyway. You got what you wanted."_

_ Gojyo managed to slide his head back up onto the bed silently, and folded his hands under his head. 'That's how it is, huh,' he thought, the euphoria seeping away like it had dried on the bed sheet. 'You think I'm a total piece of shit now, huh?'_

Hakkai finished patching everyone up, and sighed contently, clapping his hands together. "Well, now we're all feeling better. Shall we play cards to determine who shares rooms?"

"I will not sleep if I must share a room with Goku," Sanzo declared with only a moment's hesitation. He looked at Gojyo expectantly, who said nothing and hung his head, but Hakkai filled in the blanks.

"And… Gojyo, you would not sleep if you had to share a room with Goku either."

"You guys are so mean to me!" Goku whined, throwing his fists down, and Sanzo reached up and swatted him across the forehead with his harisen.

"Shut up, idiot. You know very well you'd spend the whole night arguing with him," Sanzo drawled impatiently, and rolled over on the bed again.

"Same arrangement as we have had, then." Hakkai rose to his feet and took up his pack in one arm. "Goku, come with me to the other room. Gojyo, since Sanzo's injuries were worse, let him have the bed."

"No problem," Gojyo replied nonchalantly, still staring at the blank wall from his chair. Hakkai paused, staring at Gojyo with a solemn, meaningful look. He knew that Gojyo should have argued back, but knew he wasn't going to. He shook his head and left with Goku at his side, still chattering:

"Hey, Hakkai, why's Goyjo acting like somebody died?"

"Let's get this over with," Sanzo sighed, and he stretched himself out in preparation for fifteen minutes on his knees. This was his usual initiation of relations, and the extent of his foreplay. Gojyo stared lamely over at Sanzo from his chair, unwilling to move.

"I don't wanna," Gojyo mumbled through his cigarette, shaking his head. "I don't want to do it, Sanzo. Something feels really wrong about all this." Now was Sanzo's turn to be taken aback, but his face didn't show it.

"Don't joke around like you give a shit about how wrong it is. If you want your goddamn orgasm, you'll come get it. Otherwise, I'll just go to sleep." Sanzo sat up and crossed his legs, leaning forward with a cold glare, as Gojyo pensively dragged on the cigarette, refusing to make eye contact. "Don't tell me I've quelled your immeasurable passion."

"You haven't. I just want to make things feel right again. I'd like very much to sleep with you, Sanzo." Gojyo shook his head again, his voice muffled by his hand over his mouth. He didn't like the way his chest was tight; it made him feel like a small child, but he found the strength to stand and saunter towards the bed. Sanzo watched as Gojyo tossed the half-finished cigarette into the ashtray, wasting precious nicotine, but he was clearly indifferent to it. He stripped his shirt off and sat on the bed beside Sanzo. Sanzo's eyelid twitched with irritation, and Gojyo waited for a slap or a palm strike that didn't come. He wasn't rejecting him outright. "You've done too much for me," Gojyo muttered in as tender a voice as he could muster for a man. "It's time I returned the favor. Stick it in me."

"You want me to do what?" Sanzo replied, his brow shifting to an unreadable expression.

"I mean it, you should do to me what I've been doing to you." Gojyo's voice was gentle, almost as though he were speaking to someone he cared about. Gojyo got to his feet, slid his pants off, and tied his hair back. Sanzo continued to stare, his eyes running up and down Gojyo's chest and legs. Without clothes on, he looked much smaller: slender, though thicker than Sanzo. Sanzo stood up, and moved closer to Gojyo, almost touching him, fingers just outstretched. He studied Gojyo's face, trying to read his game, but there was nothing he could read in his sharp features, nothing but anxiety and repression. Gojyo bent his head forward a bit, tempted to plant a kiss on Sanzo's forehead, but knowing he shouldn't. Sanzo finally nodded, and began to strip his robes down to his waist. Gojyo dropped to his knees on the futon, and Sanzo slowly removed his clothes and circled Gojyo like a shark.

**(Suggested Track: "Time Is Running Out," Muse)**

"Do you think I get some sort of sick pleasure out of letting you fuck me? I don't." Sanzo spoke slowly, deliberately, measuring each word. As he dropped his robe from his body onto the bed, his bandaged burns were revealed. Gojyo restrained a frown, his eyes following him, as Sanzo pursed his lips around his cigarette. "Do you think I actually enjoy our nightly encounters? I don't. They are for your benefit." Sanzo peeled his shirt from his chest and dropped it beside his robe. The bandages shifted, burnt skin showing briefly, but Gojyo didn't care. Gojyo didn't even need to drink to erect himself; Sanzo's slender waist, firm muscles, and shapely hips were enough. He wanted him, no matter what was coming out of his mouth.

He wanted him, that was certain. He just couldn't bring himself to fuck Sanzo, something in his soul wouldn't let him. He knew that it had to go the other way this time. His dull eyes followed the pacing priest, the glowing tip of the cigarette dancing in the moonlit room. "You look like a whore." Gojyo flinched as Sanzo reflected his own initial sentiment; the way the words dripped lazily off his tongue made him feel worthless. Sanzo rolled the cigarette in his teeth, and circled Gojyo again. "Are you dead, Gojyo? I don't even recognize you."

Sanzo was behind Gojyo, and Gojyo closed his eyes and shook his head, preparing himself. He felt a jolt as Sanzo pressed one foot into his back, forcing him flat on his belly and knees bending his ass in the air. Gojyo winced as his thigh pressed into one of the wounds on his belly, but withheld a grunt of pain. Sanzo circled around in front of Gojyo, who bowed his head as if he had a modicum of respect for the man before him, but Sanzo grabbed Gojyo's hair and pulled his head back up. Gojyo stared into Sanzo's eyes. Purple, world-weary, utterly unreadable. Sanzo could see Gojyo's eyes were wide- intimidated, unsure- and he pressed his lips against Gojyo's lips, and his tongue into Gojyo's cheeks. Gojyo inhaled deeply, smelling and tasting Sanzo.

His scent… there were no words adequate in Gojyo's mind to describe it. He didn't smell clean, but he didn't smell dirty, either. He had a soft musk, like old paper, like sand and dirt, like warmth. His flavor was the same- he possessed no words to describe it. Sweet, salty, sour, bitter- none of them fit. He couldn't tell what was on his taste buds, other than it was warm, wet, and savory and he liked it. It was almost as good as an orgasm. Sanzo drew back from the kiss as abruptly as he'd begun it, and roughly grabbed the back of Gojyo's neck. Gojyo was breathless, stunned, but Sanzo was in control.

He unzipped his jeans and yanked them down past his crotch, revealing only what was necessary. Gojyo barely had a second to survey Sanzo's erect manhood- it was average in length, and looked clean- before Sanzo put it into Gojyo's agape mouth. Gojyo had never seen it this close before, and only now did he wonder if he'd ever been this hard during any of their previous encounters, but that no longer mattered. Sanzo kept one head on the back of Gojyo's head, muttering indistinctly as he tried to ease the head of his penis against Gojyo's tongue. Gojyo looked up at Sanzo, wide-eyed, unsure, childlike, but Sanzo looked away from him. He didn't have to tell him what to do. Gojyo closed his lips around the shaft, offered a tentative suck, and ran his tongue along the bottom of Sanzo's dick. Sanzo sighed softly, and Gojyo did recognize the distinct sound of relief. He drew his lips tighter, careful to keep his teeth out of the way. He ran the full length in and out of his mouth a few times, keeping his tongue moist and against the head as much as he could. Sanzo didn't speak, only managing a few soft gasps, but never moving his hand from the back of his neck.

Gojyo tried to keep his mind blank, but it kept driving him back to the same thoughts: Sanzo tasted good. He tasted like the world. Gojyo moaned softly, indicating his enjoyment, but Sanzo's fingernails dug into the skin on the back of Gojyo's neck, reminding him to stay silent. He muffled his protest against Sanzo's flesh, bringing his lips tight around the shaft. Before Gojyo could continue, Sanzo yanked his flesh from Gojyo's maw, and Gojyo panted for air, staring at the stiff rod wet with his own saliva. He ignored his own pulsing erection, and controlled the urge to grab Sanzo's and finish the job. Sanzo leaned over Gojyo, staring down at him derisively, the cock still temptingly close to his mouth as Sanzo wiped the drool from Gojyo's open lips with his middle finger.

"You disgust me," he hissed, and slowly paced back behind Gojyo. Gojyo shivered with anticipation as he felt Sanzo press his palms into his back above his pelvic bone, and the weight shift as Sanzo got his bearing. Gojyo closed his eyes, quaking with anticipation that only dissolved when Sanzo slowly entered the hole, sending a chill through his whole body. Gojyo cried out, pained as he was stretched in a way he was sure he wasn't supposed to stretch. He could feel Sanzo's every contour inside his body, throbbing like a bull's heart. He withdrew and thrust again, faster this time and more painful for it, but as Gojyo felt the pain even worse, it started to feel good in a sick way. On his third entrance, Sanzo hit a good nerve, and Goyjo moaned aloud. Sanzo stepped on Gojyo's toes, and leaned over as he pressed himself deep against Gojyo's prostate. "You make one more noise, I'll kill you," he whispered, and Gojyo grabbed the pillow and pressed his face into it to smother his cries. Sanzo slowly, slowly, slowly pulled his cock out, and thrust it back in with force. Gojyo felt his heart jump into his throat, but didn't have time to recover as Sanzo gripped his hips and began to buck quickly. Sanzo was inexperienced, and it was obvious to Gojyo he was only doing what felt good for him. Even so, Gojyo was somewhere between pain and pleasure, and the pleasure was building up like boiling water. Sanzo had begun to grunt softly with each thrust of his hips, the sound like a drum, echoing his own heartbeat. He was clumsy, and his inexperience showed with his every motion. Gojyo winced, pressing his backside into Sanzo as he tried to keep himself in.

"S-Sanzo, slow down," Gojyo pleaded as quietly as he could, hoping Sanzo didn't take him the wrong way and stop. He had lost count of how many times this treatment had already driven a wave of orgasmic pleasure through his body, but he wanted it to last, pleading with his own mind, _'One more minute, give me one more minute, I'll never ask for more!'_ It hurt like hell but felt wonderful at the same time. He knew Heaven and had seen it now, but Sanzo, no, Sanzo couldn't. He growled, and then, once more, very slowly drew his cock out, then rammed it back in. Gojyo bit the pillow again, as Sanzo continued to crash into Gojyo, bending his hips, pushing Gojyo out and stretching him. Gojyo braced himself against the leg of the bed with one hand and pounded the floor with one fist, feeling the gashes on his chest strain as he tried to breathe, tried to hear himself think, and failed on all counts. Before either of them could realize it, Sanzo let out a sharp breath, and Gojyo felt him cum inside him, the heat like a fever inside of him. His own cock was damp and throbbing as it released its pressure, and he left his fluids spilled on the floor, too weak to do anymore. Sanzo slowly withdrew his member, and Gojyo fell forward onto his chest, his naked body still hunched over.

"You liked that," Sanzo muttered, as he shuffled to the washroom. "Sick bastard." Gojyo failed to find words, but instead let his quivering hand flop lamely through the pile of his clothes. He found his cigarette pack and matches, and rolled onto his back. His hands were shaking like he'd been beaten. He managed to place a cigarette on his lower lip and began trying to light his lighter. Sanzo was over him, after he finished washing himself, and he took the lighter from Gojyo and one of the cigarettes from his pack. Sanzo lit his cigarette first, then handed the flickering flame back to Gojyo so he could light his. "You never answered me. Are you dead? You're starting to look like a corpse." Gojyo panted, unable to summon any more words. Sanzo scoffed. "You're going to want something for that blood."

Sanzo vanished back to the bathroom, and Gojyo felt a towel land on his belly. He picked his head up, looking for the blood Sanzo spoke of, and realized that one of the gashes on his torso had been opened. He tried to rearrange the bandages, but he couldn't sit himself up to see. With a deep, reluctant sigh, Sanzo knelt over him and fixed them himself, and pressed the towel over the blood that had seeped onto the floor and marred his skin. As Sanzo's pale hands flitted across the natural tan of his belly, Gojyo took a slow drag on his cigarette. He rolled the smoke in his mouth to try and forget the taste of Sanzo's tongue, even as he dabbed at the wounds he'd opened.

"Thank you," he murmured, shaking his head, then tilting it back. Sanzo didn't reply or ask him what he was thanking him for, but instead roughly dragged Gojyo's body straight, put the pillow over his head, and dropped the quilt over his body.

"Just go to sleep, Gojyo," Sanzo ordered wearily, repeating Gojyo's instructions from the first time they lay with one another, and he took the cigarette butt from Gojyo's lips and smashed it in the ashtray. Something in his voice seemed to sound gentle, but Gojyo filed that notion under post-sex delirium and let his eyes close, ignoring the terrible insecurity of feeling like a child, pushing aside every ache in his body. He simply slept.

* * *

In the morning, Hakkai entered Gojyo and Sanzo's room. The latter was fully dressed, smoking his first cigarette of the day and staring out the window. Gojyo was tangled in the quilt like he was in a spider's web. Sanzo glanced at Hakkai, and greeted him with a nod. Hakkai nodded back, and knelt by Gojyo.

"Blood?" Hakkai looked at Sanzo. "What happened?"

"He tripped," Sanzo replied, not moving the cigarette from his lips. "He bent his waist the wrong way and it opened."

"Oh." Hakkai didn't believe him, and Sanzo could tell. Hakkai began to examine Gojyo's body, his face stuck in its usual smile, hiding his worry. Gojyo opened his eyes as Hakkai looked over the bandages on his belly. "Good morning." Gojyo smiled slightly, not speaking. "Did you sleep well?" Gojyo nodded, the smile on his face fading. The pain of his still-open wounds and the bruises on his hips and the soreness of his insides were starting to rock his stomach, and he couldn't think straight. Hakkai put his hand on his forehead. "Hmm. You don't look well, but you don't feel feverish. Gojyo, do you feel well?" Gojyo rapidly shook his head, and the severity of the pain finally won out over his gag reflex. He quickly rolled from his back to his knees, pushed himself to his feet, and stumbled to the toilet. He heaved, and Hakkai rushed after him, pulling Gojyo's sloppy ponytail back over his shoulders as he emptied what little was in his stomach. Sanzo shook his head and sighed.

"You overdid yourself," he muttered, and filled a cup with water from the basin. He left it in Gojyo's reach. "I'll go take care of breakfast." Gojyo retched harder at the mention of food, and Hakkai shooed Sanzo away with one hand. Hakkai rubbed Gojyo's back, as he continued trying to bring up stomach acid.

"Gojyo, has Sanzo been hurting you?" Hakkai asked in a serious voice. "There's something very wrong between you two." He pulled Gojyo upright, and forced him to drink the water. Gojyo shook his head, and immediately leaned over to reject the water. The pain of his injuries echoed back, made worse every second he had to bend his middle, until even swallowing made him more nauseous, catching him in a vicious cycle. Hakkai sighed softly, and stood by his friend, who still couldn't and wouldn't speak.

There was something wrong, and Hakkai knew it.

* * *

**End Notes: **Perhaps not a lot of changes from the original, but still a few little details here and there. Next week? Half of it is brand-spanking new. See you then, and don't forget to leave a review!


	4. 3: Enlightenment

**King Rat: Deep Water**

**Author Notes:** About 50% of this chapter is new material. For the record.

Also, cover art! Full view here: (slash)p8q6ehk

Finally, I wish to make a quick note on pronouns: as Kanzeon Bosatsu is, in universe, a hermaphrodite, I have chosen to use gender-neutral pronouns for hir from here on out; specifically, se (equivalent to he and she) and hir (meaning his and her.) I'm going to check back to hir first appearance and ensure that I make this consistent.

Enjoy!

**Disclaimer: **Saiyuki is not mine.

**3: Enlightened**

Gojyo was not used to discomfort- not in this sense. He had starved before, he knew the pain of an empty stomach. He knew dehydration, he knew headaches, he knew hangovers, and he'd been beaten up more times than he could count. His first time being penetrated wasn't even the first time he'd been in so much pain he'd thrown up, and he blamed that more on his opened wounds anyway. However, the discomfort was more than just the soreness from how roughly he'd been treated, nor the continuing sting of his healing wounds. It felt like a worm in his heart, writhing and twisting against his ribcage- guilt? No, why would he be guilty? Gojyo could only lean on the wall of the car and grumble under his breath, staring, mute, out at the vast, empty expanse of snow-obscured land. "Indigestion," he muttered to himself, waving away the unpleasant sensation- or at least pretending to. He didn't notice that the two in the front seat had their eyes on him in the rear view mirror, each for their own reasons.

**(Suggested Track: "Do It With a Rockstar," Amanda Palmer and the Grand Theft Orchestra)**

That night, Gojyo made himself comfortable in his own, albeit small, inn room for once, kicking his feet up over the edge of the bed and folding his arms under his head. He was tired from a day on the road, and still feeling sick. He'd tried to settle his churning stomach with a few- well, a few dozen- gulps of sake over dinner, but it hadn't helped. He heard the door to one of the adjoining rooms open and shut, followed by light footfalls across the floor.

"What'cha need, bro?" He didn't sit up, expecting Hakkai to respond. He did not, but the footsteps silenced. In less than a breath, Sanzo's hands were on his shoulders, his eyes only an eyelash away from his.

"You didn't forget, did you?" Sanzo growled, the bed creaking as his weight shifted over him. "I'm here to put you to sleep." Gojyo could almost feel the wheels in his head slowly turning, muddling through the alcoholic haze.

"Uh... I'm not hard. Ain't gonna get hard- drunk," Gojyo mumbled, and tried to push Sanzo off.

"You don't have to be hard," Sanzo drawled into Gojyo's ear, leaning closer. "Lift your legs."

"B- Sanzo-"

"Do you want to fuck or not?" Sanzo snapped, already midway through removing his shirt.

Gojyo had no response- Sanzo, coming on to him? Gojyo could only take the sneer in Sanzo's lip and the bulge in his pants one way. "Fine. I'm okay with hate-fucking-"

"Shut your mouth. I don't want to hear you." Sanzo dragged Gojyo's pants from his body, and Gojyo bit down on his arm and braced himself on the headboard. Sanzo spit into his palm, rubbed it onto his already-stiff manhood, held Gojyo's legs over his head, and plowed himself deep into Gojyo in a swift, violent jab. Gojyo yelped into his arm, unable to stop the tears in his eyes from streaking his cheeks. Sanzo's motions were fast and unpracticed, as they had been, but he had clearly found the lump of nerves that made Gojyo's toes curl and was doing everything he could to strike it with the head of his cock, a hammer to his anvil. "I dare you to make a single noise," Sanzo snarled, but Gojyo shook his head, still seeing the contract sticking out of Sanzo's robe. The walls shook, the aging paint starting to chip off as the headboard hit the wall over and over and over. Sanzo came in less than three minutes, and Gojyo couldn't complain, still shaking from his shoulders down. "Did you like it? Was that good for you?" Sanzo's voice held none of the tenderness this sentence usually came with, but instead was soft and dangerous as he pulled out, still dripping.

"Y-yeah." Gojyo's hand drifted to his legs, which were slick with his own fluid. "Was... good... sleep..."

"Then sleep," said Sanzo, his lip still curled and his brow furrowed, swiping his shirt and robe from the ratty carpeting and slipping back out of the room. He was gone like a blue moon, leaving only the scent of his sex and sweat and Gojyo's own quivering confusion.

He barely remembered it in the morning through his dizzying hangover and the day-long nausea. He didn't have time to think about it around the day's attack by a group of marauders. He did remember that night, when Sanzo dragged him from his sleeping bag and deeper into the copse they'd parked in.

"Let's go further out. Gods, you smell foul." Sanzo yanked Gojyo by the wrist, ignoring that Gojyo stumbled over the roots and rocks jutting from the ground through a thin layer of snow.

"W-wait- you really wanna do it? Out here?" Gojyo felt the grin in his cheeks- somehow, this was more debauchery than he was used to, and that was never a bad thing. Sanzo grunted, then pushed his face into the bark of a tree.

"Drop trou and hold your tongue." Gojyo took a breath and obeyed, and Sanzo was inside him again. "Colder than a-" Sanzo grunted, and Gojyo's jaw popped open, his outcry escaping in a squeak. "Corpse!" Gojyo's forehead kept hitting the tree, and the rapture rolling from his belly up was threatened to be eclipsed by the bark in his skin. Sanzo made no noise but for a few hisses and guttural growls, and it was all Gojyo could do to keep himself from shouting. Why did it have to hurt so much to feel this good? Sanzo finished with all the heat and effort he had the previous night, and pulled back. He hadn't even left enough time for his muscle to finish the spasm, and stood, shuddering, as Gojyo collapsed to his knees. Both panted thoughtlessly for what felt like a long time, Gojyo on the ground, and Sanzo with his head tilted back, staring towards the branches obscuring the moon.

"Thank you. I'll find my own way back." Gojyo was the first to speak.

"You really do like that." Sanzo yanked his pants back up, brushing the snow from his knees. "You... freak. You want me to do that."

"You let me do it enough. I still owe you that." Gojyo shook his head.

"You... owe... Idiot!" Sanzo tossed his robe back over his shoulders and turned away. Gojyo waited, listening to the sounds of the forest around him and shivering in the winter wind. He found a cigarette in his pants pocket and smoked, letting the nicotine calm his shaking. He finally had the presence of mind to question his situation- since when was he letting Sanzo top? Why wasn't he insisting on the other way?

"Do I... like it?" He dragged on his cigarette slowly, the ash dissolving quickly into the snow drifts. He shifted his weight- the moisture in his pants was starting to chafe. "I dunno. But... does he think I do?" He snorted. "Maybe he just don't care. Maybe I don't either."

Gojyo made it back to camp a half-hour after Sanzo, but though his libido was satisfied, he couldn't sleep. Instead, he settled himself in his pack with a bottle of sake and sipped it until dawn came and he finally conked out.

That was the precursor of what the next seven nights would hold. Gojyo started drinking heavily before bed, numbing himself for the moment Sanzo would come and pull him from his bed, flip him to his belly or push him against the wall. It was quick, and it was violent, but Gojyo couldn't or wouldn't say no. He didn't want to say no, and his body didn't say no either. Even when Sanzo was pounding him against a cold shower tile, or pushing his face into the carpet and making his cheeks sting with rug burn, he got off in a good way. It was better than coming in a woman- it made his toes curl, his cheeks hot, his belly quake, his mind was blown, and he didn't have to cuddle after. Even being drunk didn't dull that sensation, and that was a good thing, because the pain in the morning turned his stomach inside out every time. _'If I had to feel this while I was trying to get off,' _he thought to himself,_ 'then I probably wouldn't.' _

Gojyo didn't care that Sanzo was near-brutalizing him with the ferocity of his strokes and how hard he gripped his thighs and hips. He thought the fingertip-shaped bruises under his clothes looked cool, and the soreness played into the pleasure of the orgasm and stung back as a nice reminder in the morning. The only problem were the words that came out of Sanzo's mouth every time they fucked.

"Sick freak, how can you like this?" His voice was like gravel around his cigarette- Gojyo wasn't sure when he'd started smoking during the act. He couldn't talk back or say anything, focusing too hard on keeping his legs wrapped around Sanzo's waist. For their tenth time out, Sanzo had pinned him on the floor of the inn room they shared, scraping Gojyo's back and bumping his head on the floor with each thrust. Gojyo had lacked the presence of mind to grab a pillow. Gojyo tried to hold himself up, but Sanzo's hand shot out and dug his fingers into his scalp, pulling on his hair and holding his head to the floor. Gojyo felt tears spring to his eyes from the sudden rush of pain, but bit on his lip and held back the outcry. With a few last gasps, Sanzo finished, and abruptly dropped Gojyo. Gojyo caught his breath and pushed himself to his elbows as Sanzo drew back and exhaled a long drag of smoke. "You make it so difficult." Sanzo rubbed his face, fingers catching on the bags under his eyes.

_'You're one to talk,' _Gojyo's snap instinct was to retort, but he caught himself before his mouth opened. Instead, he wiped his eyes and smoothed his hair back. "Thank you," he said, hanging his head low as Sanzo stood. The light from behind him illuminated his silhouette, the crook of his elbow as he took his cigarette in deep, his slender back and waist contrast to his sharp shoulder blades. The light glinted off his eyes, narrow like a snake's. Gojyo felt like he was standing before an unkind god. The sentiment was proved, when Sanzo reached out and grabbed Gojyo by the neck.

"You're still thanking me?" Sanzo lifted Gojyo up. "How dare you!" Gojyo held his tongue again, but he felt an old terror welling up in him. Instead, he made his limbs limp, a rag doll in Sanzo's hands, and let Sanzo throttle him. "I don't want your filthy gratitude!" Sanzo threw Gojyo down and dropped his cigarette onto his bare thigh. Gojyo yelped and swiped the ash off of his skin, and pulled his leg in to watch the welt rise. However, Sanzo brought his fist down onto Gojyo's head. "Don't. Make. A sound." Gojyo curled up again, cringing as his nerves and muscles all contracted. The alcohol wasn't numbing the pain anymore. Sanzo left him alone there without another word.

And Gojyo still couldn't resist. A blizzard had cascaded all day and into the evening, and Hakkai had been loathe to travel, so they had stayed, mostly to themselves but for a few hours of card games between all but Sanzo, who had isolated himself with his newspaper and blazed through the cigarettes he had on hand. Hakkai had noticed the bruises on Gojyo's neck, but asked nothing. Gojyo said little himself- he was anticipating it, waiting for it, desperate for it, and afraid of it. He entirely lost count of how many bottles of sake he'd emptied before Hakkai cut him off.

The pouring rain continued into the night. Sanzo came to his inn room again, but this time, he had a gentler hand. Gojyo wondered if mounting him on the bed, on his hands and knees and kneading his hands on the small of his back was his way of offering mercy, or an apology for hitting him. But the hate still spilled out; "Make some noise, damn you. Tell me you can feel it." Gojyo unclenched his jaw, but he was too accustomed to holding back, and nothing came out. Sanzo put his hand on the back of Gojyo's head mid-thrust, and Gojyo's forehead hit the wall on the next push. "What do I have to do?!" Sanzo pulled back, and flipped Gojyo onto his back. "What will make you react?!" He panted, catching his breath, and pushed his thumb and fingers down over his neck again. Gojyo's breath caught in his throat, but Sanzo dove onto him and forced a hard, sloppy kiss onto his mouth. Gojyo choked briefly, but Sanzo pulled back, then kissed him again. The light in the room seemed to dull briefly, as Gojyo was overwhelmed by the rush of his taste, and licked his lips. He tried to sit up, but Sanzo pushed him back down and spread Gojyo's legs again. His cock was hard and hot, and his motions forceful. Gojyo finished after less than a minute, still reeling, eyes rolled up into his head. Sanzo withdrew once Gojyo ceased his spasm, still hard, still wet, and he stumbled for the door, eyes narrow and lit with inexplicable rage.

"W-wait." Gojyo held out his hand, reaching for Sanzo, and Sanzo pivoted on his heel, only briefly dipping to grab his robe. Gojyo tried to catch his breath and rolled himself up to his knees, trembling against the rumpled sheets, before losing balance and tumbling to the floor. He landed on his hands and knees, and Sanzo's eyes fixed on him. Gojyo lost all will, and clamped his mouth shut.

"Fucking corpse, tell me what you want!" Sanzo clenched his fists and strode back towards Gojyo, his erection already sinking. Gojyo lowered his eyes, ready for the hit, but everything inside of him glaciated. He knew what he wanted to say, but he was struck dumb with the weight of it all. The rage left Sanzo's face and voice, and he glared down at Gojyo. "What do you want?" His voice sounded calm, but Gojyo cringed because he could sense the tempest under Sanzo's eyes, he could feel it like an oncoming storm. Sanzo gritted his teeth. "Come on." He spread his palm and slapped Gojyo across the face. "I'm hurting you, why aren't you doing anything about it?" He wound back and slapped him again. "Fight back." And again. Gojyo didn't flinch, didn't move, stared to the floor and blanked his face. "Dodge." He hit him again. "Something." Gojyo's cheek was starting to bruise. "Anything!" Sanzo seized him by the neck again and lifted him from the floor. "Pretend it hurts! Pretend you like it! Pretend it means a single fucking thing to you!"

"It... it hurts." Gojyo looked away, and Sanzo dropped him. "I want you to stop hurting me." He folded his knees in, and the worm that had twisted its way into his heart finally unfurled itself into a cogent thought: "I love and hate the way you make me feel, and I don't know what to do anymore."

"You smell of death!" Sanzo's tone was still sharp. The walls seemed to close in around them, the darkness ensuing. "You'd let me kill you just so you can get off?!"

"I've been good, haven't I? I behaved, just like you asked." Gojyo felt the bitter smile spread his lips thin, but Sanzo could hear the plea in his voice. "Don't that contract work both ways? I have to fuck you, same as you have to fuck me." He put his fists on the floor, his cheeks sore from forcing his smile, his back and body aching from the abuse. "I'll do what you want, so both of us can sleep. And if you have to hurt me so you can get off, then fine. I'll be okay."

Sanzo sucked in and spit out a succession of deep breaths, his chest expanding and contracting rapidly, and he finally screamed aloud, wordlessly, senselessly. The cold lamp light illuminated an emotion Gojyo had never seen strike his cheeks before, but one he couldn't name. Anguish? Confusion? Pain? He threw his empty hand at the ground, his eyes lit by the moon outside rather than the darkness around him. "You King of Rats, would I never had to smell your corpse again!" With that, he stormed out and slammed the door behind him. Gojyo crawled up onto the bed, shaking as the adrenaline left his body, like the opening of the door had vacuumed his energy out.

"That son of a bitch actually feels bad about all this." He fished his pants out from under the bed, found his lighter and cigarettes. "He feels the way I did. And god damn did I hate that feeling." He lit up and rolled from his belly to his back, the smoke drifting into the air. He kicked the lamp off of the end table, killing it for good with a tinkling crash, and chuckled to himself. "But this is Enlightenment, isn't it? Fuck the darkness."

He woke two hours later, tangled in his bedsheets that stuck to the sweat beading his skin. His stomach churned, and the room appeared like some giant had picked it up and was tilting it back and forth. He staggered from his bed into a wall, then into the commode, and his stomach turned out. It still made his nose run and his eyes water, but his throat was so sore from more than a week of this that all of that barely registered. More than that, he didn't notice when the door to his room opened and shut again- he only knew it had happened when he felt someone's hands on his back, thin fingers rubbing his shoulders. He couldn't turn around to look, and yet the touch was comforting. He tried to look up around tears through his eyes into the darkness to thank Hakkai, but he couldn't quite see who it was and had to turn his head down to keep everything coming out of his mouth in the toilet. All he knew was that when he finally collapsed onto the floor, whoever it was had left him, and he clenched his fists tight.

"No more."

The next night, as the party moved on westward, Gojyo began to take steps to protect both him and Sanzo. They made camp for the night near a half-frozen riverbed for their nightly entertainment, but Gojyo missed most of the games. He drank himself into a stupor long before Sanzo could make an advance, and passed out deeply enough that no rousing would wake him. Nothing could have woken him, except the stench of his own sick on his clothing in the morning. 'Not going to drink that much again,' he decided without a second thought, tacitly thankful that Hakkai had laid him on his side. Putting on his shirt after washing it in the icy river only made him double-down on that decision.

The night after that, Gojyo passed out in an inn tavern. He'd drunk slower, drunk more water, but still got himself loaded to the point where his vision went black and his eyes no longer opened. He still had to be carried to the party's shared inn room, but woke in the early hours of the morning. Sanzo was sitting at the end of his bed, staring at him over the edge of his newspaper. Gojyo opened his mouth to try and protest, but Sanzo held his finger over his own lips. It wouldn't have done him any good anyway- Gojyo clammed his mouth shut to try and swallow the coming nausea. "You need a bucket." Sanzo put his paper down and brought the wastebasket closer. Gojyo rolled to the floor and held on tight as though the bucket was about to roll away. He could find no words of gratitude- his mouth was otherwise occupied. He fell asleep when his stomach was empty, without another word from Sanzo.

The next night, at another inn, it was Goku who greeted him when he opened his eyes with his gut churning and his intestines twisting into knots. Goku was still asleep in a chair beside his bed, and had in his hands an empty chum bucket that he must have acquired from a fisherman. The smell of rotting fish was more than enough to trigger his gag reflex. When his stomach finally emptied out, he shoved the bucket back into Goku's lap and rolled over to return to sleep.

In the morning, Hakkai pulled Gojyo aside from the breakfast table. "I've been counting for the past three days. You've consumed approximately double the amount of blood a person has in their body in spirits. You need to stop."

"What the hell are you talkin' about? I always drink like this." Gojyo folded his arms and turned his eyes away. Goku and Sanzo were watching their conversation, Goku with worried interest, Sanzo with annoyance.

"No, you haven't. You've been drinking much more lately, and you've been sick every day for the last two weeks. I won't have it anymore, Gojyo." Hakkai was still smiling as sweetly as he always did, but he rested a firm hand on Gojyo's wrist. "I don't know what's causing this- if you're stressed from being on the road so long, or if you're bored, or if it's something else- but you can tell me anything, I won't judge you. But you're making yourself sick."

"Well, duh. I kinda noticed." Gojyo rolled his eyes.

"Goku saw blood in your vomit this morning." This halted Gojyo, as Hakkai cocked his head. Morning light made his deep green eyes look kinder than usual, despite the seriousness of his message. "You're hurting yourself. Please, for your own sake-"

"What he's saying," Sanzo interrupted from the table, "is that if you're going to try and kill yourself, I'll loan you my pistol, but find a way that's quicker and that we don't have to clean up after." Both Gojyo and Hakkai turned to look at Sanzo, Gojyo with a glare, and Hakkai with a small sigh.

"Something along those lines." Hakkai took hold of Gojyo's shoulder again, making their eyes meet though Gojyo tried to look at the floor. "But more than that, we're in too high-risk of a situation for you to be at any less than your best."

"Fine. Fine! Just 'cause you asked so nicely." Gojyo tightened his arms anxiously. "I'll cut back. I will."

"Thank you." Hakkai's smile brightened, and he pulled Gojyo back to the breakfast table to begin the day.

From there, it stopped. Gojyo stopped drinking, and Sanzo stopped coming to him in his bed. Gojyo didn't even mind anymore. He wouldn't deny that he was in the mood for sex- because he was. He really was. He almost felt himself start to itch from it, like he was going through withdrawal. The alcohol withdrawal was just as bad- he still threw up each morning for a few days after stopping cold turkey, but it petered out after that.

"Just a fluke. That's all it was," Hakkai had reassured both Gojyo and himself after two days without either alcohol or sickness. "Too much drink, perhaps a bit of exhaustion." Gojyo managed a weak smile, but he couldn't pretend that things were normal.

He still behaved the way Sanzo wanted him to act- quiet, docile, chewing his lip when provoked and holding his tongue with all his might. But Sanzo offered him nothing, and though Gojyo wasn't sure why, he didn't care. Hakkai noticed his timid behavior, but excused it, thinking, 'Perhaps he's still feeling unwell.' The trouble started when it became true two weeks after he stopped drinking.

"I didn't drink, I swear!" Gojyo found himself pleading around pale lips and his own queasy, green hue. He tried to kick dirt over the mess, wishing he'd made it just a few meters further from their camp site, wishing the snow hadn't already melted so he could have used that instead. Hakkai sighed, pushing his monocle back up his nose and looking away. "Bro, wait-"

"No, I believe you." Hakkai turned back towards him. "I can't smell it in your sweat, and I normally can. It's not like you've bathed it off yet. Let's just hope you ate something bad."

"Didn't you cook everything we ate last night?" Goku looked up from tying his shoes. Hakkai considered this, then chortled nervously into his fist.

"Well, let's just see how the rest of us fare!" Sanzo and Goku both winced at the thought.

Gojyo was the only one who got ill that day. However, he was ill the day after that, and the day after that, and so on every single day. Every morning, he was ill, and sometimes during the day or even in the evening. He spent much of the time in the Jeep asleep, complaining of tiredness whenever awoken. He complained about the smell of exhaust, and soon, the smell of food- and they soon started to make him ill as well, whenever the smell became too much. Worse was when he was unable to even look at food, let alone eat it. Goku, of course, reaped the benefits of this, as they had ordered or prepared enough for four and Gojyo would shove his portion to Goku and mope away from the table, covering his mouth and nose. After Gojyo consumed nothing but water- and failed to retain it- for a day, Hakkai intervened yet again:

"My qi-gong should be able to heal you enough to let you eat," he offered as he, Sanzo, and Goku waited for their breakfast at a cafe table and Gojyo avoided it from a meter away. "I should be able to patch up whatever it is that's ailing you."

"Wait, won't that let you read my mind and shit?" Gojyo winced, as he knew exactly what was in his mind. "I mean, surface wounds and all are fine, but-"

"I've gone deeper than that, and you know it. I would never read too deeply into your ki without your expressed permission. Your business and scars are your own." Hakkai opened his hands. "I'll cure what internal ailments I can find without looking too closely. Deal?"

"Deal." Gojyo joined them at the table, and Hakkai enclosed Gojyo's palm in his.

"Hmm." He pushed a few pressure points on Gojyo's palm, and Gojyo grimaced as a burning sensation spread through his veins. His stomach went numb, then his head, and the nausea receded for the first time in two weeks. "Better?"

"Yeah." Gojyo shook his hand off, examining the soft flesh under his fingers where Hakkai had pressed. "So, did'ja see what it is makin' me sick?"

"Unfortunately, no." Hakkai maintained his blithe smile, and Sanzo scoffed and began to drum his fingers on the table. Gojyo hid a frown with a blank look. "I suppose I'd have to go deeper."

"Let's leave it for now. Food's up." He waved to the waitress, and managed to consume a full, solid meal.

Even this therapy from Hakkai wasn't enough, as it only seemed to help him keep food down about a third of the time, and never the previous night's dinner. His strange illness seemed to only progress, with aches and pains in his ankles and back springing up from nowhere, and while Hakkai tried to cure his woes, he couldn't find anything noticeably wrong. He dragged Gojyo to doctors in two separate towns, to no avail- no potion nor pill resolved his ailment. It seemed nothing would help, and frustration with the situation only seemed to rise by the day. Things finally came to a head after three weeks.

The Sanzo party found themselves stopped one morning just outside of a small mountain town, having car troubles. The snow had long melted, and April was beginning to warm. The wind was gusty, the air clear, and the trees were green with newborn leaves. The season had turned pretty, but relations between the party were, at the moment, sour at best. Sanzo was sitting on the steps of the inn, smoking one after another and adding to a pile of butts on the ground. Goku was chasing a pigeon, ignored by the adults of the group. Gojyo was laying on the porch flat on his front, smoking very slowly and weakly dragging in the fumes, watching Hakkai through wearied eyes and ignoring his chills. Hakkai was arguing with the one among them who shouldn't have been able to argue: the car.

"Now, Hakuryu, I know that Gojyo has been ill in your back seat twice in the past three days, but you must be merciful to him. He cannot help where he has to vomit, especially on the bumpy roads." Hakkai spoke to the dragon, who responded unintelligibly with a series of chirrups and trills. Gojyo sighed, as Sanzo gave him a soft glare. Gojyo tried to ignore it as best as he could.

"Yes, we have taken him to see an apothecary. We've taken him to two. Neither could help him. They gave him medicine, and it didn't help." Hakuryu squealed. "Yes, they must be idiots unworthy of being called doctors, but that doesn't mean we can do anything about it." Hakuryu snorted. "The priest? No, Sanzo's not magic. He can call on the power of the gods, but that's not magic. Not really." Hakuryu chirped a few times. "I tried using my qi- no, what do you mean?" Hakuryu and Hakkai both looked over at Gojyo, and then back at each other. "If they want to keep things under the surface, they will, it's not my place-"

"Hakkai, tell the Jeep to get over it and just transform!" Goku stomped his feet, and his pigeon flitted away. Hakuryu whined and dove into Hakkai's satchel. Hakkai sighed.

"He says he's not going anywhere with Gojyo." There was a distinct clicking as Sanzo cocked his pistol, but Hakkai hugged his satchel/dragon/mode of transportation to his chest.

"Just leave me here." Gojyo pressed his mouth into his arm, staring at the sandy ground. "I'm useless. I'll only be in your way."

"Okay!" Goku bounded towards Hakkai. "Get the Jeep ready, let's go!"

"Stupid monkey!" Sanzo and Gojyo snapped at the same time, as Sanzo slapped Goku over the head with his fan.

"I was being sarcastic," Goyjo added.

"It's hard to tell when you talk like that!" Goku covered his head, but Sanzo withdrew the fan.

"We are not going to go anywhere without Gojyo. We're friends, and you know if it were you, Goku… Never mind." Hakkai sighed and revived his smile, folding his hands. "Well, Hakuryu scouted about last night. He tells me there's a Buddhist sanctuary about twenty kilometers up the mountain."

"Then we shall go, and I shall try to consult the spirits for the source of Gojyo's illness. I suspect our enemies have something to do with this." Sanzo glanced at Gojyo again, who shrunk from his gaze.

"Then we shall walk." Hakkai's smile was as peaceful as always, but Goku and Gojyo moaned in disgust. Sanzo rolled his eyes, but folded his hands within his robe and stood. He walked directly past Gojyo and Hakkai and started his way up the dirt path. Goku, still complaining, scampered along behind him. Hakkai helped Gojyo to his feet, and Gojyo dragged himself forward.

"I can't believe you guys are really putting up with me." Gojyo slouched, and Hakkai ran his arm around Gojyo's neck and helped him stay upright. Gojyo focused on the back of Sanzo's head, following the sun he perceived through his bleary, sleepy eyes. Hakkai rubbed Gojyo's cheek with his hand, and lifted his chin up.

"I'll take care of you, like you took care of me."

"Aw, come on, we're not still hung up on that old news, are we? Will you stop being my friend when you don't owe me anymore?" Gojyo chuckled, and Hakkai laughed as well.

"I'll always owe you in some way. You gave me the kick in the pants I really needed right when I needed it. You made me live when I wanted to die." Hakkai gave Gojyo a very brief hug, one that Gojyo did not reject. "No matter what this is, I'll stick with you." Hakkai had watched Gojyo like a hawk since the first day he fell ill, and he knew now more than ever that Gojyo was unhealthy- would Gojyo, in a clear state of mind, have shared an embrace? He had to do something, even though Gojyo wouldn't let him any closer.

Hakkai wasn't the only one watching Gojyo carefully. A certain youkai prince had chanced to see Gojyo vomiting violently in the street while passing by, and went to his subordinates with his concerns. His two loyal retainers, without question, followed the heroes towards the mountains and had watched their departure. Once they were well out of earshot, Yaone slipped into daylight and gathered Sanzo and Gojyo's cigarette butts and put them in separate sample bags. Since she couldn't tell the brand from the butts alone, she was certain would take a while to check through and determine which belonged to whom. She wanted an alternative, and with a jeweler's glass, she soon found it near where Gojyo had been laying. A single long red hair came into view, and Yaone picked it up with a pair of tweezers and put it in a test tube. "Doku," she called over her shoulder, and Dokugakuji rolled from his hiding spot on the roof and landed beside Yaone. "I've got enough."

"Good. When will you be able to examine it?" Dokugakuji asked. His brow was knit, he shuffled his feet, already impatient. He'd been pensive since Kougaiji had shared what he'd seen, and Yaone could imagine why.

"As soon as we return. Lord Kougaiji asked me to put a rush on it." Yaone passed the samples to Doku, and he tucked them into a leather pouch on his belt. "He's concerned about your brother, nearly as much as you are. He won't have some strange illness take him down." Dokugakuji nodded, and hung his head.

"We'll do what we can to help him, right?"

"If it can be cured, I will make the medicine myself," Yaone assured him with a smile, and he returned it gratefully. They summoned their dragons with a whistle, and were off into the skies, back to their realm, to work in the enemy's favor.

Five hours after setting off on foot, well after four healthy young men should have been able to walk up a mountain, two of the party found themselves still en route. Hakkai and Gojyo were far behind Sanzo and Goku, because Gojyo had been forced to stop several times to regurgitate stomach acid. There was nothing else left in his stomach, and the effort of this much extended physical activity was taking its toll. Hakkai kept close to him, supporting him, rubbing his back, and reassuring him that he would be alright. It seemed that this was all he had left in his repertoire.

"I feel like I'm going to die if I have to walk any further," Gojyo moaned, hunched over in pain as his heart throbbed. The only thing that kept him from vomiting further was that his stomach was, for the moment, completely empty. Hakkai kept offering him water to keep his throat from burning, but Gojyo could only gargle it and spit it out, feeling nauseous when it touched his tonsils.

"It's only a little further. Look, we can see it." Hakkai pointed up the mountain. The monastery was a mere half-kilometer away, its wooden gate rising over the rocky path, but to Gojyo it looked like another nine.

"I can't make it. Just leave me here to rot." Gojyo slumped to the ground, and Hakkai sighed, finally feeling the limits of exasperation. "And I'm being sarcastic!"

"Well, good news. It looks like Sanzo's coming back for us. And he has friends." Hakkai pointed to the road ahead, where a few shorn men in plain robes followed Goku and Sanzo back down the path towards them. Gojyo lifted his nose to the air, and took the air in deep.

"That incense on their robes… it smells really good," he mumbled, and he finally managed to get down a gulp of water. His elbows and knees were wiggling under his weight, but the scent seemed to give him enough strength to keep his chest upright. In a matter of minutes, Sanzo and the monks following him arrived. Sanzo indicated Gojyo with a nod and a loose gesture, but not eye contact.

"Is he still ill?"

"He can't stop being ill. I'm surprised the smell of incense seems to be relieving him rather than making him nauseous again," Hakkai remarked, picking Gojyo up to a stand by his flaccid limbs. He fell to his knees again, unable to keep himself upright for lack of energy, and groaned.

"My nose burns." He pressed his face into his arm, rubbing away the smear around his mouth. "I must have marked this trail in puke. Betcha blind hikers can follow the path by the smell." Hakkai chuckled and shrugged. Sanzo took a few steps towards them, but two of the monks stepped in and picked Gojyo up by his arms.

"Idiot. This better be enough to make you quit this." Sanzo lit a fresh cigarette and unclenched his teeth, and the monks hauled Gojyo up the trail towards the monastery, dragging his feet on the ground, with Hakkai close behind.

Gojyo was forced to kneel on the sanctuary floor with a bucket in front of him, but it seemed that the stronger the incense was, the better he felt. He was able to groggily support himself as Sanzo spoke to the head priest, explaining their mission and that they were struggling to progress due to his illness. Goku made faces at Gojyo from Sanzo's side, and Hakkai stood by his side, one hand on Gojyo's shoulder. Gojyo struggled to even decipher the words Sanzo said in his fatigued mind.

"… I ask for access to your inner sanctum, that I may confer with the spirits at this place to seek answers for this unenlightened soul." Sanzo momentarily glanced over his shoulder at Gojyo, who suddenly noticed how cold and bloodless his face felt, and turned back to the head priest. "I will return your favor by blessing three of your students of your choosing."

"Master Genjo Sanzo, I could never refuse you!" The head priest pandered from his seat, spreading his hands and smiling like a fox. "We will grant you privacy, and I shall select three souls who need your guidance the most." The head priest turned behind him and unlocked the door to a chamber of the monastery's relics, and led the residents from the main sanctuary. Sanzo entered the holy chamber alone, and Goku hung over Gojyo wearing a chipper grin.

"Sanzo must be really worried about you if he's willing to do something in return!" Goku patted Gojyo's cheek. Gojyo tried to come up with a retort, but his head was getting too heavy for him to think. Instead, he muttered indistinctly and stared at the very pretty ceiling. Oh, such a very, very pretty ceiling. Such a beautiful spinning ceiling. And such a hard floor under his head, and then the ceiling was gone, and everything else with it into darkness.

Gojyo opened his eyes, unsure of how long he'd been unconscious, but he was still staring up at the ceiling of the main sanctuary. He was surprised that Hakkai and Goku weren't leaning over him, shaking him like a rag doll, but he pushed himself to a sit. Oddly enough, he felt better- he could feel fluid in his stomach for the first time in six hours. The sanctuary was entirely empty, free of dust and footprint, as though nobody had ever set foot within it, and the light was much brighter than he remembered. Gojyo smelled something sweet in the air- much like the incense, but stronger, more like jasmine or plumeria. He looked to the window and saw not the mountain they'd been on, but unobscured sunset sky, and Gojyo realized he was dreaming. The shadow of a phoenix fell across the floor behind him, and Gojyo whirled towards the source of light. Kanzeon Bosatsu, in all hir glory, walked towards him from a door that must have led to the white-hot sun itself. He may have seen hir a few times before, but never this clearly, never this close. Gojyo couldn't stop from staring at hir breasts, exposed through hir sheer robes, nor could he hold back a stupid grin. The bright light seemed to come from hir, making his skin feel pleasantly warm as se came closer. 'Am I going to get to touch the goddess?' he wondered as se stopped before him and offered him a hand. Se smiled a seductive little smile, hir dark ruby lips gleaming, and before he realized it, his hand was in hirs and se pulled him to his feet. Se placed hir hands on his sides, hir thumbs traced slow circles on his stomach, hir smile soft and devious under lidded bedroom eyes.

"Did you enjoy your time with Sanzo?" Gojyo suddenly felt ill, but it was in his mind more than his stomach. With those words, se had ceased to be beautiful to him. He wanted to step back from hir, but hir hands held him tight. He felt like a small child, he was seeing his stepmother in hir face, his heart began to race. "Don't be afraid, I promise I won't tell anyone." Hir lips spread wider, a sly glint in hir eye. "I sent you a present. I'm glad you received it well."

"A present?" Gojyo squirmed a bit, wishing se would stop touching him. The nausea was starting to return- the smell of incense was cloying and overwhelming. Se seemed so large, even though he stood taller than hir, and he didn't have the strength to pull away from hir. "I didn't receive anything."

"Oh, but you did, and here it is." Se pressed hir thumbs alongside his navel. "Don't flatter yourself, though. It's not a present for you. You're just my delivery boy." His middle suddenly began to swell, and se let go of him, leaving Gojyo to panic and thrash at the heavy orb of flesh forming above his hips. Kanzeon Bosatsu giggled, and Gojyo flinched. "Sorry, love, but you will have a very difficult pregnancy, and it shall be as merciful as the gods were to your mother. Ensure Sanzo receives my present, won't you?" Gojyo yelped as hir shadow vanished and se with it, and he sank to his knees under the sudden weight. He felt like he was possessed, and he could feel the demon moving in his stomach.

"Stop, damn it, I want to wake up!" Gojyo cried out and dug his fingernails into his flesh in rebellion.

"It's no dream, Gojyo," Kanzeon Bosatsu's voice echoed through the empty air. "You're going to bear child. You have a promise to keep."

**(Suggested Track: "The Whale Song," Modest Mouse,** to end of chapter)

"Stop, stop!" Gojyo screamed as he awoke and shot upright like his back had been burned. Hakkai and Goku both jolted back as Gojyo thrust himself forward, his hand flying down to his stomach. He sighed with relief to discover it was flat, and lay back down on the floor. His head was throbbing, his stomach was aching, and he knew from the dim mid-afternoon sun and the dirt on the floor that he was awake. He rubbed his head and groaned, and Hakkai offered him water.

"You must be dehydrated. Please, try to keep it in your stomach this time." Gojyo sat up again, took the offered water and gulped it down. He shuddered, but thankfully it wasn't coming back up. "Did you have a nightmare?" Hakkai rubbed Gojyo's knee.

"How long was I out?" Gojyo brushed Hakkai off, looking at the floor tiles.

"Just a few minutes." Hakkai leaned to try and meet Gojyo's eyes, but Goku pushed himself in front of Gojyo's face on hand and knee.

"You were whimpering like a baby!" He grinned, and Gojyo grimaced. "Baby pervy kappa, baby pervy kappa!" Goku bounced as he chanted, and Gojyo stopped right as he clenched one fist to hit Goku in the face.

_'Baby kappa,' _he remembered, dropping his elbow and pushing Goku back by his face. He finally met Hakkai's gaze. "Bro, how can you tell when you've been spoken to by a god?"

"You would have to ask Sanzo, I fear." Hakkai cocked his head and scratched his chin, eyes flitting to the sanctuary where Sanzo surely still prayed. "I don't think I've ever seen a god in a vision. Gojyo, do you think you had a vision in your dream?"

"Nah." Gojyo looked away. "It was just a weird dream." He rubbed his head, as his blood began to flow again. He couldn't get Kanzeon Bosatsu's words from his mind, nor the pain. He searched his mind, desperately trying to deny it, but his heart throbbed against his chest and he knew it to be true. It had to be. "I could use some more water, and some air. That incense is starting to kill me." Hakkai nodded, refilled Gojyo's mug, and handed it to him.

"I'll take you outside, if you like. Goku, stay and wait for Sanzo, let him know where we went-"

"No, I'll go myself." Gojyo pushed himself to his feet, hiding the shaking in his legs and arms as frustration started to build. "Stupid corrupt priest won't care if I'm gone." Hakkai looked him up and down, unfathomable thoughts clouding his mind, and folded his hands.

"If you're sure. Just, let me know if you need anything, okay?" Hakkai smiled kindly, hiding the fear in his eyes. Gojyo huffed to himself as he turned away from Hakkai.

"Quit acting like my mother!" Gojyo snapped, and he strode from the sanctuary to the main yard. He lit a cigarette, puffing it rapidly and burning it to the butt as quickly as he could. Hakkai followed him to the door and watched as he strode down the hill for the temple orchard.

"This is not something I do to my friends, but you have left me no choice," Hakkai sighed, and allowed his mind to search over Gojyo's chi. He felt the same things he'd felt before on the surface, the remnants of his most recent wounds; the effects, but not the cause. He delved in deeper. There was nothing interrupting Gojyo's energy flow, but he felt an imbalance; there was more energy than there should have been. Hakkai felt his monocle drop from his cheek, and his face blanched. "Oh, Gojyo…" Hakkai covered his mouth, and watched as his friend vanished into the apple trees. He tried to think, replacing his monocle and scratching the back of his head.

"Oi, Hakkai, did you think of something?" Goku asked from the floor.

"In a manner of speaking. I think Gojyo is in more trouble than we know," Hakkai replied, turning back to Goku with a reassuring smile. "But I'll go talk to him. No doubt he'll explain himself."

Gojyo had a fiery anger burning in his gut, and he had nowhere to put it. _How the hell did this happen to me?_ He clenched his fists. _Fucking merciful goddess! As merciful as the gods were to my own mother- I am a man, this isn't supposed to happen!_ He pulled his fists tight, gasping for angry breath and glaring at the ground._ I don't want a child. I never wanted to bring an innocent kid into this miserable world. Why would she give it to me?!_ He tried to catch his breath, to no avail. The answer came to him on a gust of wind through the brown petals drying on the ground. _This is a punishment for sleeping with their beloved priest. A present- my ass! Like he'd actually want a child, let alone one of mine!_ Gojyo looked up at the sky, raising a futile fist. "At least my mother and father loved each other!" He yelled aloud. "The father of this child will never love it- let alone me!" He turned and drove his fist into a tree, breathing heavily as his knuckles stung. "You made me ill… you made me ache… you want to torture me for nothing!" His throat was already burning, but he couldn't hold the rage back anymore. "I've gone along with your stupid mission! I don't deserve this!" He felt misery seize him. It only took him a second to decide on an escape route. He pulled the lunellum from his shakujo by its chain, and stared at the sharpened edge. "I could end this. I could end this so easily."

"Gojyo." Gojyo turned at the sound of his name, and Hakkai was standing three meters from him, perched halfway up the hill, arms folded behind his back. His cool was unimaginable, and were he any calmer, contagious, but Gojyo lifted the blade and pointed one edge to his abdomen.

"You won't wanna watch this, Hakkai." He smirked, though darkness poured from his eyes. "You might know better than me, but I need to cut something out of my belly."

"Gojyo, stop." Hakkai's voice and face were serious, but Gojyo wasn't flinching.

"You can help, you know. I need to know where to cut. The gods are torturing me, and I'm going to remove their little torture device." He pressed the blade into his middle. "That'll show 'em. That'll show them that I won't be their pawn!"

"Gojyo, stop, it's not a torture device, it's a child!" Hakkai dove forth and tried to grab the sickle from Gojyo. Gojyo tumbled back, and brought the blade to his neck. He didn't care how Hakkai knew; he didn't have time to ask.

"Why would you even care? I'm not your lover!" Gojyo knew that would hurt Hakkai, but it didn't show on his face. "I'm just a half-demon bastard who should have been drowned at birth! The gods hate me, and that's why they did this to me!"

"Gojyo, it's an innocent child-"

"And you think it deserves life? To be tormented like I was! Fuck's sake, think I'd rather die than put a kid through what I went through." He was wise to Hakkai's game- he knew why Hakkai kept repeating his name, trying to bring him back to his own mind, but he could see right through it. He braced himself on his knees, battling back regret, but resigning himself; "I always knew I'd never make it out of this world alive." He felt blood trickle from a small cut where the blade was pressed. He tilted his head back, letting the cigarette hang off his lips. "Hakkai, can you at least smile for me? I haven't been happy for more than a month, and if I'm gonna do this, I'd like to end my life and its with a smile."

"Gojyo, don't do this." Gojyo realized that Hakkai was grasping the power limiter on his left ear, ready to take it off.

"That's a stupid idea," he chuckled, sliding the blade a bit deeper against his skin. "You wanna do it yourself? You know you can't control yourself when you do that." Every breath he took was restricted by the pressure on his throat. Hakkai was clearly trying to stay calm, and he forced his hand from his ear.

"I heard you say the father would never love you or this baby. Give me a chance to prove you wrong- who fathered this child?" Gojyo laughed even harder, as Hakkai struck the problem directly. It was as though he'd been kicked in the chest.

"I couldn't tell you, Hakkai. All you need to know is that he won't take care of me, and it won't matter in a few seconds." He tried to move the blade forward again, but his instincts kept willing him against it. "Don't take your other eye out over this, buddy, this is what the gods have forced me to do."

"It doesn't matter, then. I'll take care of you," Hakkai strode towards Gojyo. Gojyo moved to dodge back again, but Hakkai flipped over his head and was behind him in a split-second. He quickly disarmed Gojyo, thrusting the shaft of the shakujo from his hand and yanking it behind him and away. He threw the weapon to the ground and caught Gojyo around the waist, lifting him off the ground like a child. "This is part of our test too!" Gojyo kicked and screamed for a moment, enraged with frustration and beyond reason, but he froze when he saw Sanzo and Goku standing and watching from the top of the hill. Hakkai noticed them too. "Lovely afternoon, isn't it?" Hakkai's smile returned, and Gojyo fell limp, letting Hakkai manhandle him.

"What the hell are you doing?" Sanzo clearly wasn't buying it, eyebrow cocked, zero amusement at what otherwise might have been funny.

"How long have you been there?" Gojyo kept his eyes low, barely mumbling. Sanzo rolled his eyes and tapped the ash from his cigarette towards the rocks in the path.

"Not long enough, apparently. What is going on?" Sanzo glared directly at Gojyo; he knew it was his fault. Hakkai chuckled carelessly.

"I think we should all sit down and talk. I don't think Gojyo should have his weapon right now, though." Hakkai slung Gojyo over his shoulder, holding him with one arm and gripping him tight. Gojyo could do nothing but stare at the ground in shame, pinioned by Hakkai's surprising strength. He picked up the shakujo with his free hand and strode cheerfully back towards the monastery. Goku turned to Sanzo with a smile.

"Welp, looks like Gojyo doesn't need our help anymore at all!" Sanzo scowled and batted Goku atop the head, as was customary, before turning to follow Hakkai back up the hill.

Sanzo acquired quarters for the evening after giving blessings to several of the younger students, and he was chain-smoking with a scowl as he sat at the table with his friends. Hakkai had observed that he never seemed to be in a good mood after being forced to do his duties. Goku had fun- since he made fun wherever he went- following Sanzo and doing the exact opposite of helping with the situation with cheerful suggestions and childish needling. Hakkai had dragged Gojyo to their quarters as soon as they were able, tied him to the leg of the table by both ankles, and forced him to drink broth and tea to soothe his nausea. With the exact nature of the problem made clear, Hakkai had finally managed to suppress Gojyo's vomiting, and his fathering instinct drove him to nourish. Gojyo, however, didn't want any part of it, and rather than eat chose to bore holes in the wood with his eyes and try to suffocate himself in his own skin. He knew that Hakkai was angry with him under his calm surface for chasing Kanan, and that he would have to deal with it sooner or later. Even worse, he had to deal with the rest of the party. Now that Sanzo was finished with business, he wanted to know what had happened between Hakkai and Gojyo. "You go first, Sanzo," Hakkai had suggested, his ever-present smile betraying nothing. "What did the spirits tell you?"

"That Kanzeon Bosatsu tests us yet again," Sanzo muttered, lighting a fresh cigarette as the one in his mouth demised. "She tests Gojyo especially. Why do you think we chased you?"

"For a moment, Sanzo, I thought you actually cared about us," Hakkai remarked with a soft, airy chortle.

"Tch!" Sanzo inhaled the cigarette smoke deeply. Gojyo stared at the tobacco enviously; he hadn't had a smoke in hours, and he no longer cared that Sanzo's brand sucked on toast.

"So, Gojyo, why were you and Hakkai fighting? What did you do?" Goku leaned on his elbows, grinning eagerly and bouncing on his knees.

"Oh, you automatically assume it was my fault? Stupid monkey!" Gojyo spit at the table, and Goku started to retort before Hakkai could answer for him:

"That you are tied up and I am not is a very good indicator," Hakkai took a sip of his tea before continuing, and Gojyo scoffed and folded his arms. "Gojyo was very upset, as he was approached by the goddess Kanzeon Bosatsu and informed of the nature of his test. I had to keep him from doing anything foolish." Gojyo looked at Hakkai from the corner of his eye, silently thankful that he hadn't given a gruesome blow-by-blow.

"What is the nature of his test?" Sanzo asked, his voice still flat. He was eyeing Gojyo more suspiciously now, and Gojyo started to feel that oppressive sensation of the walls closing in around him. The oiled paper on the windows might as well have been open to let miasma pour in, and Gojyo's intestines squirmed as he tried to think of a way, any way, that Sanzo didn't have to hear the truth. And yet, there was no Heavenly intervention to silence Hakkai:

"Merely that he must carry a child that he conceived." The silence in the room was palpable. Goku's jaw dropped, Sanzo stared at Gojyo with undeniable, teeth-grinding rage. That moment of silence was Gojyo's last reprieve, and it was broken as Goku burst into laughter and tears of mirth, rolling on the floor and clutching his ribs, and Sanzo managed to form the seething rage in his throat into words.

"Tell me this is a joke. Now."

"I could, but I would be lying." Hakkai sighed after another gulp of hot tea. He patted Gojyo's back, as he tried to sink under the table and through the floor. "But there is a _father_ involved. Gojyo, did the Goddess tell you who the father was? Or even how this child was conceived?"

"I don't know who the father is," Gojyo lied. "And the… child," He practically spat the word, "Was conceived the same way almost every other living piece of shit in the world was."

"Slut!" Goku, the exception to the rule, laughed and kicked his legs in the air. Sanzo had finished his fresh cigarette in less than thirty seconds and started up another as Goku continued to bawl with laughter. "Oh my god, this is the best thing ever! And we'll probably never know who the dad is!" He sat up and leaned towards Gojyo. "Hey, how many men did you sleep with? Fifty? A hundred? Fifty-hundred-billion?"

"Shut up! That's not a number!" Gojyo started to lunge across the table, but the rope tying him to Hakkai left him flat on his stomach, rattling their cups on the tabletop.

"Now, now." Hakkai yanked Gojyo back to the floor, forcing him to settle back into a sit. "Gojyo will tell us what we need to know when he's ready. For now, we must consider what's best for the child."

"You plan on having it?" Sanzo raised one twitching eyebrow, staring at Gojyo with utter disgust. Gojyo managed to sit up and lean over the table towards Sanzo.

"I don't plan on anything," Gojyo retorted. "_Gonou_ won't let me get rid of it, and-" Hakkai's hand slammed the back of his head, bashing his face on the table.

"Did you say something, Gojyo?" Hakkai asked, saccharine-sweet as he let go of Gojyo's head. Goku had stopped laughing when Gojyo used Hakkai's former name, and the cigarette had dropped from Sanzo's lips. The new silence felt like the ceiling had caved in.

"I said," Gojyo continued, as he wiped his bleeding nose, "that you might be able to make me carry this parasite, but I don't care about this stupid test or it. I might just dump it in the river and be rid of it." With this, he focused his wrathful gaze on Sanzo. Sanzo's upper lip curled, and his brow wrinkled into a hateful, black look.

"Fuck you!" Sanzo pushed back from the table and walked out of the room. He smacked Gojyo in his broken nose with the fan as he passed, and Gojyo yelped in pain to cover it again. Hakkai sighed as the tension began to wind down.

"Gojyo, I can't imagine how you're feeling, but you can't take it out on us. If we have told you once, we've told you many times, we are your friends and we will support you. Goku, don't you agree?" Goku thought a moment, as Hakkai healed Gojyo's face.

"Of course! It'll be like a little cousin or something." Goku cheered up quickly. "I've never had brothers or sisters or cousins or knew anyone with a baby!" He looked upwards as he thought. "Babies are cute though! Even if they do smell kinda funny."

"Yes, and when the baby gets older, you can have a playmate. Surely, you will love the baby's toys more than the baby!" As Hakkai worked Goku into a giggly, childish, baby-crazy frenzy, Gojyo found himself feeling very sorry for what he'd said to Hakkai- he seemed so happy at the thought of the baby. Gojyo knew what he'd lost. However, he had no regrets for what he'd said to Sanzo.

_'This is all your fault. You call this Enlightenment? I'd rather burn in hell.'_

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**End Notes: **Ahh. Now things get twisted. Leave a review, chapter 4 will be up in a week!


	5. 4: B-st-rd

**King Rat: Deep Water**

**Author Notes:** This happens to be my birthday weekend, so you guys get presents! A quick note: This chapter had some bad, BAD dialogue. It was one part in particular, the fight scene at the beginning of the chapter. I have fixed it. You're welcome!

**Disclaimer:** Saiyuki and its characters are not mine. This story is.

* * *

**4: Bastard**

Some things never change. Traveling, for one. No hardship could end their destined journey- over the two months since the incident at the mountaintop temple, they'd traveled an unimaginable distance, though they had their diversions, their high roads and low roads, and the occasional turnaround. However, Shangri-la was broad, and, at the moment, infested with mad youkai. That didn't change from day to day either, and this June morning was no exception.

The air of battle didn't change either- always hot, always tense. This morning, Sanzo had alerted the others to a dark aura in a rocky gorge, and they'd gotten out of the Jeep just as the ambush party burst out of the crevasses shadowed by the dawn light. Gojyo was used to it by now, but the things that were changing had restricted him. Still, his life was in danger, and nothing would stop him from defending himself. In spite of the changes, battle came easily to him, and it seemed this was the one joy Gojyo could relish right now.

The shirring noise from the shakujo's chain was nearly a familiar comfort, as it whipped through the air. Gojyo easily sliced through three maddened youkai in the pack of perhaps thirty that surrounded the party. The numbers had changed, and so had their battle tactics- not out of improving their efficacy, but out of necessity. He and Hakkai were back to back, as he'd been tied to Hakkai's left arm by his left arm for the past two months and he wasn't going anywhere if he wasn't going with Hakkai. Sanzo and Goku were standing on the other side of the Jeep, Goku with his staff extended and at the ready, Sanzo with his gun drawn and his sutra protected in his teeth. The demons stepped over the bodies of their fallen kin, no regret, no remorse, not even a sense of loss.

"Hmph, pitiful." Sanzo was trying to pick a target, eyes roving across the gang. "Just a set of insane idiots, not even trained assassins."

"It's weird, I don't think we've seen any really good fights lately," Goku concurred, though he still watched the youkai creeping along the walls and around them with cautious eyes. They stared at the party like they were pieces of meat, as one of the underlings edged closer, teeth bared, licking his lips with a vulgar kind of hunger.

"They're all so pretty. They're certainly a good-looking set of humans… except maybe the fat one."

"Who ya callin' fat, you fuckin' jerk?!" Gojyo roared, swinging his shakujo again and spraying the offending youkai's blood on the ground. He stepped forward, causing Hakkai to lean from his defensive stance, and sliced through another row of youkai in a blind rage. With one fourth of the pack laying in pieces on the ground, Gojyo stepped back towards Hakkai, reining himself back in, and wiped the blood spatter off his face.

This was the change that hurt the most. He did, in fact, have a small, round, firm bulge forming under his navel and stretching his middle, making obvious to those who knew that a baby grew under his ribcage but appearing to anyone else that he'd been hitting the sake a little too hard. However, Gojyo's vanity didn't change. "Now, which one of you motherfuckers has something else to say about me?" Gojyo glared from eye to eye, holding the blade forward in his hand. The frenzied youkai laughed, amused at the sight of the tall, slightly-chubby man fighting like an acrobat, and Gojyo only roared again and launched himself into the fray, dragging Hakkai back with him. The extra weight slowed him, and most of the youkai in front of him were able to get out of his way. They had brains enough to move towards Sanzo, and this was where Goku drew the line.

"Stop it!" Goku burst forward, wiping out the demons nearest him, choking them against the cliff face with his staff against their tracheae. Hakkai twisted around as Gojyo defended his back, raised a wall of his chi and pressed the demons back against the cliff face. Sanzo defended himself with his hands, until Hakkai's reach extended to him. Goku let down the now-unconscious youkai and jumped over them to the next set. "I'm sick of playing with you!" He banged two heads together, knocking their owners out cold.

"We don't play games with idiots," Hakkai added with his usual wide grin. "We get bored of winning." Hakkai released his chi, and the remaining youkai dropped like they'd been electrocuted. The energy of battle dissipated, and Gojyo leaned against the Jeep as the adrenaline drained.

"Last goddamn thing I needed this fuckin' early in the morning." He reached for his vest pocket, expecting to find his cigarettes, forgetting that Hakkai hadn't allowed him a box for over two months now. "Think that'll be it for today?"

"Oh, who knows?" Hakkai giggled, and held his hand out to Gojyo. Goku and Sanzo had begun to store their weapons, and Gojyo handed the shakujo to Hakkai, as he'd had to for the past two months. It was a symbolic hand-off, if nothing else, as Hakkai yanked him along as he went to tuck it in the trunk. He then circled the Jeep and rubbed the hood. "Sorry about the delay, Hakuryu." The Jeep emitted an understanding chirp, and Hakkai started the engine. Gojyo grumbled, folding his arms as Hakkai delayed his boarding.

"Untie me, damn it." Gojyo tapped his fingers impatiently on the edge of the Jeep. "You took away my cigarettes- my lungs are starting to turn pink, asshole!- you won't let me drink, and I can't even fight well!" It was the same familiar rant Hakkai heard after every tussle they got into, and Hakkai sighed and got into the car. Gojyo groaned and got into the seat directly behind him, wearing a scowl that could crumble mountains, with his hand yanked forward and Hakkai's hand pulled back.

"Cheer up, Gojyo. We killed all those jerks who called the baby fat!" Goku chirped, hopping in next to Gojyo and patting his rounded tummy lightly, like he was tapping a tight drum. Gojyo instinctively lifted his knee into Goku's chin, and began to bite the fingernails on his right hand to get the stress out. Goku whined to Sanzo and Hakkai; "He's bein' a jerk! Make him stop!" but Sanzo lit a cigarette and both he and Hakkai ignored the monkey.

Hakkai was worried about what Gojyo would do if he did untie him and return his weapon. In spite of his complaints, he often found Gojyo trying to sneak drinks from unattended cups and begging smokes off of Sanzo if he did have to leave Gojyo's side for even a moment. Neither Sanzo nor Goku allowed him to get away with it- Goku out of genuine concern, and Sanzo by ignoring him- which was a small consolation. He also didn't want to risk Gojyo doing anything stupid when even Sanzo and Goku weren't there. Gojyo had made it exceedingly clear- he did not want the baby.

Whenever Hakkai talked about Gojyo's pregnancy, Gojyo wouldn't engage in the conversation, and the repartee went as follows: "So, when do you think you conceived?"

"I want it out of me."

"I'm guessing you're at least four months out by now."

"The longer you wait, the harder it's gonna be."

"Do you think you want a boy or a girl?"

"Neither."

"Have you picked any names?"

"Why bother naming something I'm getting rid of? Take a hint- I want it out!"

Hakkai never gave him the satisfaction of an answer leading to an argument, but he knew Gojyo hadn't really smiled in two months. Hakkai was offering Gojyo all the help he could- moderating his hormone levels to lessen his nausea and enable him to eat, easing his muscle aches and pains, and even boosting his energy. Gojyo didn't ask, but he knew what Hakkai was doing when he reached and took hold of Gojyo's wrist at morning, mealtimes, and at bedtime. He could feel the relief washing through him, and he always said "Thanks," but he never acknowledged what he was thanking him for, and not a single conversation about Gojyo's condition ever went further than that.

Gojyo didn't tolerate Goku talking about the baby well either, especially since Goku was already calling the unborn child his 'little cousin.' Even in the car now, Goku was pushing his luck:

"Is little cousin okay after all that fighting?" Goku reached for Gojyo's middle again, but Gojyo swatted him back.

"Don't touch me." Gojyo scooted as far away from Goku as possible, glowering at the stone walls surrounding them.

"Both of you shut up," Sanzo said from the front seat, and Goku whimpered.

Sanzo had taken the news about the pregnancy as badly as Gojyo. Hakkai could not, for the life of him, tell why, but Sanzo refused to speak to Gojyo unless it was absolutely necessary, and he took every opportunity offered to insult him. Without confirmation, Hakkai only had assumption: 'Perhaps he's still angry over the insult about his own birth, as Gojyo never did apologize.' He watched the static fly in the rear view mirror as the two briefly met eyes while Sanzo reached back to hit Goku with the fan. 'I don't know if he will, either.'

Hakkai had to imagine that Sanzo was still angry with him, too; the first day Gojyo was tied to Hakkai, it was right hand to left hand, so Gojyo could sit in the front seat next to Hakkai to make the ride easier. This left Sanzo in the back seat with Goku. This arrangement did not end well for Goku, who found himself getting beaten like a pillow every fifteen minutes the entire day and left Sanzo enraged from dealing with him in such close quarters.

After a single day of this, the rope switched arms and Gojyo was moved back to the back seat, where he suffered Goku's adoration and fawning much of the day, but to Hakkai's estimate, Goku was taking a lot less abuse from Gojyo than Sanzo. Since the rope was only a meter long, Gojyo wasn't able to get across the seat to whack the monkey, so he simply had to suffer it until Goku got close enough. However, Hakkai found that it was just as difficult sitting next to Sanzo, who was in a constantly sour mood- more so than usual. He was recompensing for the lack of cigarette smoke from Gojyo and seemed to have doubled his intake. He snapped much easier than usual, and when he wasn't actively angry at someone or something, he was silently fuming, laying in wait like a tiger ready to pounce at the next minute annoyance or distraction.

It was all of these things combined that made the days difficult, but the nights were even worse. Sleeping arrangements had become nearly impossible. In fact, Sanzo would refuse to sleep in the same room with Gojyo even if there were four beds available. Hakkai would plead and argue, begging for civility, but it was the only time Gojyo and Sanzo would talk to each other directly, but the conversation hit the same notes every time, as they had the previous night:

"What, you think I'm fuckin' contagious?!" Gojyo threw his socks at the wall, less than a meter from where Sanzo was standing. Sanzo sucked his cigarette down, and glared with fire in his gaze at Gojyo.

"I don't care what you are. I don't care where you sleep. I don't care about you. I will not sleep near you." Every word was spat through gritted teeth, his fists clenched, arms stiff and shaking with poorly concealed rage.

"What the fuck've I ever done to you?" Gojyo stormed a few steps closer, dragging Hakkai behind him, but Sanzo's lips drew thin and tight.

"Get away from me. Get out of my face." Sanzo didn't move, eyes fixated on the wall behind Gojyo. Sanzo's tone was flat, his face wiped of emotion, and his body still stiff. Gojyo's unstoppable force met Sanzo's immovable object, and their argument ended the way they did every single time:

"Fine, I'll sleep in the fucking hall!" And Hakkai found himself leaned against the door the entire night while Gojyo sulked in the hall, with the rope looped under the door.

This was the way it had been for two months. This was the worst change, in Hakkai's mind, because there wasn't nearly as much joy in the party as there had been, and it made every day long. And yet, Hakkai could see the light at the end of the tunnel- he wasn't blind. As Goku began to whine to Sanzo about getting kicked, and Sanzo began to insult Goku and hit him with the fan, Hakkai could only remind himself, 'This, too, shall pass,' and drove on, despite "big cousin's" moaning, his best friend's sulking, and the time bomb sitting beside him.

* * *

It was late before they reached another village and disembarked outside of the town's only inn, and at realizing Sanzo's identity, the entire town was driven into an excited frenzy:

"My gods, the Sanzo pilgrims!"

"They're here! They're really here!"

"How did you get past the youkai embargoing the trade route?" Someone who seemed to be a leader had accosted Sanzo and wrapped his arm around his shoulder, partially shielding him from the excited housewives and tradesmen, who'd come from their homes and surrounded the party, while bombarding him all the same. Sanzo looked disgusted at having his arm grabbed, and Hakkai stepped in before his foul temper could surface.

"You mean that group of forty-odd youkai in the gorge east of here?" He cocked his head, still beaming as he pulled Sanzo's shoulder from the mayor's grasp. "They won't be troubling you any further."

This resulted in a huge uproar, and the party was showered with admiration, and the local tavern owners paid for their dinner. At the pleading of the leader Sanzo elected to go among the people during the evening, flatly reciting old sermons that he'd picked up from other monks and had memorized rote. (Hakkai couldn't be fooled- it was just so he would not have to spend time with Gojyo.) Goku decided to go along (more than likely, Hakkai imagined, for the same reason) even if all he could do was cheer Sanzo on and tempt Sanzo's wrath. This left Hakkai and Gojyo to procure lodgings for the night.

The innkeeper offered them four rooms, but Hakkai gently corrected her, saying they needed just three, and Gojyo could say nothing. He'd tried arguing over the past two months, but Hakkai shut him down with nothing but a look. They'd even had to sleep either in two beds dragged next to each other, or, to Gojyo's disgust, share a single bed. Tonight, there was just one bed in the room, and Gojyo'd had to ignore the questioning look from the receptionist as she handed them the key. "Just give the other two their keys when they get back- you can't miss them." Hakkai smiled sweetly, and the receptionist bowed her head as they went on their way.

On normal nights when it was just the two of them- at least, the old normal- they would go to the bar, drink a hot sake, play some cards, and maybe even hit on some floozies. However, since Hakkai was making the calls rather than Gojyo, Hakkai dragged Gojyo to the inn's little stack of books beside the desk and selected one for himself. "Would you like one?" Hakkai turned to him, smiling, and Gojyo's eyes briefly darted between the attached tavern door and the miniature library.

"No." He glared at the floor, and continued to drag his feet as Hakkai escorted him up the stairs to their inn room. Hakkai had carried the bags, insisting that Gojyo shouldn't carry anything heavier than 20 kilograms, and set them down neatly beside the window. There were two beds, and Gojyo stood back, motionless, as Hakkai dragged them together.

"Why not make yourself comfy?" Hakkai fluffed the pillows on the bed, and patted the mattress. "You must be so sore." Gojyo grunted at Hakkai's sympathy, but sat down anyway and began to dig in his bag. "You know, you really have started to show!" Hakkai untied himself from Gojyo and tied the other end to the edge of the bed, and started unpacking some of his things for convenience's sake. Gojyo scoffed, yanking his bag onto his lap. "It's cute, really. I'll probably have to find you some looser clothes soon. Then again, I'm not really certain just how far along you are, and I can't quite tell, so I can only guess you're just out of the first trimester." Gojyo sighed, trying to block out Hakkai's energetic babbling as he continued to flit about the room, straightening up this and that like it was his own home. "You are showing a little more than I think you should, though- your basal height's just a bit higher than it should be. Well, perhaps it's just because you're so thin, or because you're a man, so you look bigger." Gojyo tried to ignore him, tried to ignore how Hakkai's gaze occasionally flitted to his middle. "Is it possible you're further along than that?" Hakkai turned back to him as Gojyo found a nail file in his pack and started running it along the edges of his fingernails.

"Don't know. Don't care. Can we just quit this stupid game? I'm so over it."

"Well, we can at least put a minimum on it- when's the last time you had sex?" Hakkai went to wash his face, and Gojyo cringed hard, feeling his every nerve contract. The memory stung his cheek to think about it.

"I don't wanna talk about it."

"I see." Hakkai re-entered the room, and sat on the bed beside Gojyo. He hid his surprise well- this was the first time he got an answer relating to Gojyo's condition that didn't translate to 'Fuck off' in some way. "Well, when you are ready to tell me about it, I'll be able to factor that in how I'm caring for you."

"Yeah, sure," Gojyo scoffed, rolling his eyes. "I'll let you know when hell freezes over." Hakkai took a seat, back to back with Gojyo, and rested his hand on the small of Gojyo's back, and flipped open his book with his other hand. Gojyo could feel the relief flow through him, and lowered his head. "That, uh, feels better. Thanks, man."

"What are friends for?" Hakkai smiled, then removed the rope from the bedpost and tied it back to his own wrist. Finished that, he focused on his book, leaving Gojyo to his own devices. Gojyo sighed, and started to file his nails for the fifth time in six days. He couldn't imagine how they were growing this fast, but he was sick of it.

"Stupid… things… keep getting longer!" He glared at the offending keratin as he ran the file along the edges of his fingers. "I file for hours and never get them even a little shorter!" Hakkai, with one hand on his book, glanced over his shoulder at Gojyo with a smile.

"Ah yes, I know many women notice their fingernails and toenails growing faster when they are expecting. Why, your hair grows thicker too. Haven't you noticed? It's quite nice, really." Gojyo gritted his teeth and glared at Hakkai- he had thought the conversation was over. "I'm just saying, some of them like to have manicures and pedicures and be pampered rather than complain. After all your complaints, you should enjoy the opportunity for some fun. I miss your smile, anyway." Hakkai went back to his book, and Gojyo hung his head.

He missed smiling too.

Pregnancy, in a word, sucked. He didn't like waking up with morning sickness because Hakkai hadn't been able to suppress it while he was sleeping, or feeling nauseous every time he opened his mouth, not to mention heartburn when he ate anything bitter. Feeling tired whenever he did anything more strenuous than chew gum was an utter ___joy_. More at issue than that was just knowing it was there. He didn't like to be reminded of the baby, of his shame, of the emasculation sent from on high. He hated feeling the slight weight in his middle, and was always disgusted with himself when he touched it. He even felt nauseous when his hand even brushed against his stomach. Even worse, he felt desolately cold and lonely because he hadn't had sex in over three months, and hadn't slept well for the same period of time. The worst of all, however, came at that moment, when all of it welled up on him and he couldn't hold it back anymore.

Gojyo leaned his face into his free palm as his anger withered into deep sadness, and he began to bite his lip to silence his sobs. He couldn't keep them back anymore, and he hated it. Everything about it started to sting. Hakkai could hear him, could feel his back shudder, and he folded his book and turned to Gojyo, rubbing his back with his free hand.

"It's okay. You've been holding it back so much, I know you have." Hakkai carefully cut the rope from Gojyo's wrist, leaving Gojyo with both hands free to rub his eyes. "If you won't tell me anything else, tell me why you're crying."

"I'm not crying, it's just... something in my eye." Gojyo tried to hide his face, swallowed every sob, but the flow wouldn't stem. Hakkai kept rubbing his back and shoulders, and he knew he wasn't fooling him. He turned on the bed and sat forward, legs over the edge. "You don't know how it feels to be rejected, bro. At least someone loved you. I ain't got a family. My brother loved me, but he vanished. Everyone abandons me- even the asshole who fathered this kid."

"Of course I know the pain, Gojyo. I was left as a child too, you know that." Hakkai turned his legs over the edge of the bed, as Gojyo forced his tears dry. "Perhaps someone loved me, but I had no mother to speak of, I was raised by nuns. I know the pain the same as you, I know the sting of loneliness. And I know how lonely you were, and how you must be now." Hakkai leaned against Gojyo's shoulder, resting his cheek on his arm. "So why are you rejecting your own child?"

"That's just it; I want to protect it from that." Hakkai now saw through Gojyo's facade to the pain he had known was underneath, bloodshot veins streaking his eyes, dejection turning his lips down. "It's a freak accident, a mishap. It'll probably be born with the same red hair and eyes as me." He wiped his eyes, but the tears kept coming.

"We don't know that, Gojyo," Hakkai said softly, and began to stroke Gojyo's hair, untwisting the tangles. "I only know that the products of human and youkai intercourse are born with those markers, and whatever entwine led to the child you carry can't have been like that- after all, you're already half-youkai." He giggled, scooting a bit closer to Gojyo and pushing his bag to the floor. "I don't think I've ever heard of a quarter-youkai, and I, for one, am excited to see what one looks like. I thought it was impossible." Hakkai folded his hands over the bulge in Gojyo's middle. Gojyo shivered, and jerked away from Hakkai's touch. Hakkai continued to smile and folded his hands on Gojyo's knee. "Gojyo, I've been meaning to ask; are you angry at the child for existing? You know it's not his or her fault."

Gojyo had to think about it. He knew only that he had just been angry with the gods for victimizing him. He forced himself to look at his vanishing abdominal muscles. He remembered the vision of Kanzeon Bosatsu, of the demon writhing in his belly. And yet, it wasn't a demon. He thought about the last time he'd seen a baby- it was before they'd left Chang'an for India, and it was only in passing. The child was only a few months old, dressed in pink and yellow, laid in a pram in front of her mother and sleeping. Gojyo remembered what his instinct had been:

_"Man, lookit the cute little bastard." _He remembered smiling at the little girl, as her mother pushed her away. _"Bet mama loves you, right? Bet you love mama, too."_ Who was he kidding? He loved kids. He loved every kid he met. The demon in his belly wasn't a demon at all, it was just another kid. His kid. Right now, it wasn't even bigger than a lemon, and it was only just there. And yet, he'd spent the last two months fantasizing about tearing it out of him, even at the cost of his own life. Gojyo realized that he had been an utter monster in his spite and hung his head.

"I'm a rat, Hakkai. No. Worse. I'm a King of Rats. I should be wiped out like the other vermin crawling the Earth, because I don't even have heart enough to care for this thing." He folded his arms over his chest. "Damn it all, even if my kid is taboo, I was too, and I needed someone to protect me." He folded his hands over his stomach. "This kid is mine. Even if..." Gojyo sighed. "The goddess told me the kid's not _for_ me. The kid's for its father. A gift, and I'm just the delivery boy."

"She has an odd sense of humor, doesn't she?" Hakkai rubbed his chin. "But... the baby is still yours. She can't stop you from caring."

"Damn right she can't. 'Sides, he won't care anyway." Gojyo slid his hands down to his middle, planting his fingertips against where the skin pushed his shirt the most. "I'm gonna protect this little guy. Nobody else is gonna do it, even if I'm the worst person possible to do it."

"Gojyo…" Hakkai rested his hands on his shoulders. "I'll protect him too. The child's other father should be the one to do so, but unless you can figure out who it is, I will. You're stuck with me, you know. I said I'd care for you, after all." He laughed softly and shook Gojyo's shoulders. "Besides, we can't really be sure who the father is, right?" Gojyo tried to move back away from Hakkai, but Hakkai didn't notice, instead tapping his lower lip. "I suppose that until the child's born, it will be very hard to discern who fathered it. And even then… Surely, he might have some distinct facial features…" Hakkai trailed off, and Gojyo hung his head.

"Y'know… I, uh, I didn't sleep with that many men. Not many at all. I preferred women…" He winced, as he realized that the past tense on "prefer" was a slip of the tongue, and shuddered when he realized it was true. When had that happened? Hakkai, of course, noticed and was utterly tickled pink.

"I always thought you would be dominant in any sex you had," Hakkai giggled.

"You try to be nice to a guy, see what you get," Gojyo chuckled in response, digging his fingernails into his rounded flesh. "I get this." Hakkai sighed contently, and pushed himself off the bed.

"You have a weird definition of being 'nice.' But since you've finally cheered up, I'll show you what happens when you're nice."

* * *

When Goku and Sanzo returned, Goku immediately went to check on Gojyo and Hakkai- after all, just because he was terrified of Gojyo beating on him didn't mean he wasn't worried. He was surprised to see Gojyo sitting on the bed with one hand in a bowl of water while Hakkai had pulled up a chair next to the bed and was filing the fingernails down on the other. To his surprise, Gojyo was smiling, but it didn't change that this was not a scene he expected between two men. Goku rolled his eyes and stuck his tongue out, and followed Sanzo to his room. "Looks like Gojyo's not angry right now, but he and Hakkai are being all girly." Sanzo didn't respond, instead slamming the door behind him hard to the point where it bounced off the lock instead of locking. Goku opened the door and hung behind Sanzo, who huffed between peeling off his priestly garb and pivoted on his heel to glare at him.

"I don't care. You have your own bedroom tonight. Go to it, or don't- again, I don't care. Go bother Hakkai. Don't bother me." Sanzo put his hands on his hips, and Goku stomped his feet.

"You're so mean all the time! What is wrong with you?! Are you gonna act like this with our little cousin?" Sanzo clenched his fist at the mention of the "little cousin."

"Shut up. I don't want to hear about it. Get out."

"You're mad at Gojyo 'cause of the baby, aren't you?" Goku frowned, and Sanzo hid his surprise that Goku had managed to get something right. "That's why you don't wanna be near him at all, huh?"

"I don't want to be near him because he disgusts me and he always has." Sanzo threw his gloves at the floor and untied his sash. "Shut up and get out or I'll kill you."

"No." Goku scowled at Sanzo, standing firm and glaring at him. Sanzo smacked Goku in the head with his fan.

"Do as I say." Sanzo's knuckles had drained of blood, and it was rushing to his cheeks.

"You're mean!" Goku planted his hands on his hips. "How would you feel if the goddess decided to seat you with the baby instead of Gojyo? You wouldn't want him thinking about how gross you are all the time!"

"Out!" With that, Sanzo threw the fan at Goku, sending the boy flying into the hallway with the momentum. Sanzo closed and locked the door behind him, grunting with exasperation and seating himself on the bed. He lit a cigarette and folded his arms, then lay back to fixate on the ceiling and try and push everything out.

Out. Out. Out. Out of his room. Out of his bed. He wanted Gojyo out of his head. It wasn't easy to ignore Gojyo, not when he made such a big show of pouting and sulking, and he just wanted to stop seeing his face. He couldn't name the twisting feeling in his heart, but he wanted it out.

Goku rushed into Hakkai and Gojyo's room, and immediately complained, "Sanzo's even less priestly after he acts like a priest!" Hakkai giggled, and Gojyo rolled his eyes.

"Don't even bother with his old man ass, ya dumb monkey." Gojyo stopped briefly to examine his hands. "He's just mad 'cause he can't fake being decent." Hakkai giggled; Gojyo was acting like his old self, despite having filed and polished fingernails.

* * *

Hakkai, Goku, and Gojyo stayed in the room together for a while, which turned into a game of Mahjong (which Hakkai won) and then a game of War (which Hakkai won) and finally, a very long game of strip poker. Goku was down to his underwear, undershirt and diadem when Hakkai kicked him out, and Hakkai wore Gojyo's headband and boxers on his head as a sign of total victory. Gojyo was curled up on the bed, hiding his nakedness from Hakkai with his hands. "Okay, game over, you win again, can I have my clothes back?" Gojyo bowed his head over his naked chest, staring at the small lump of his belly. He generally didn't mind being naked, but he didn't like having his weight gain this apparent.

"No, I will hold onto the spoils of victory until tomorrow," Hakkai laughed, before removing Gojyo's underwear from his head and folding them and planting them under Hakuryu. Hakuryu trilled in complaint, and moved to a different perch. Gojyo rolled his eyes and covered himself with the blanket. Hakkai stretched out on the bed behind him, and put the headband over his eyes. Gojyo grumbled, and folded his hands behind his head. And here was his trouble.

He still couldn't sleep alone. He would daze in and out, but the dreams never started- he was always distracted by a cold feeling in his chest, and rest didn't happen. He was sure he hadn't had a restful night of sleep since the last time he got drunk, and even then, he didn't dream. He didn't have many options, though- he didn't want to sleep with Hakkai. He would have gone for a walk in the hopes of getting himself tired, but he didn't feel like getting arrested for public nudity and obscenity again. He didn't want to get drunk- he knew full well that would just fuck up the baby, and at this point, he cared about that. He groaned, got to his feet, wrapping the blanket around him like a toga, and went to the window.

The street was dark, lit only by a few scant streetlights and the blinking, shimmering stars. There was nobody else there, nothing to see, nothing to distract his mind. He sat on the sill, watching the shadows slowly shift across the wall, his mind adrift. He sighed, and started smoothing his hair out. It _was_ thicker, wasn't it? He chuckled, but silenced when he heard Hakkai murmur in his sleep, and kept quiet, and considered his situation one more time.

_This kid is mine, isn't it? _He pressed his thumb over his navel. _You're in for hell, ain'cha? I don't even know what I'm going to do with you. I might love kids, but I don't know nothin' about bein' a dad. Shit. I dunno, guess for the moment, I just have to keep you alive._ He smiled, dragging his hand over his stomach and trying just to focus on that. _Stay alive. Even if your father don't love you, even if I can't, you gotta stay alive._

After a few minutes of contemplation, he heard something hit the window, and looked out the window again down at the street. "Jien," he murmured, shocked to see his brother standing there between lamplights. He crawled out the window onto the ledge under it. "Ji- Doku, what are you doing here?" He leaned forward carefully, as Dokugakuji scaled the wall and sat beside him, and wrapped his hands around his wrist.

"I know it's been forever, but you have to come with me," Dokugaku whispered, though he kept looking over his shoulder, steadying his feet against the brick-red shingles. "I'm concerned for you, bro. You have to come with me, and you can be safe under my guard." He leaned towards Gojyo. "Kougaiji's not willing to send assassins after you in your condition, but we can't stop chasing Lord Sanzo, so I have to take you out of the picture. I'll take you somewhere safe, where you can rest! No more fighting, no more nothing until the kid's born-"

"You mean you ___know_?!" Gojyo slid back from Dokugakuji, wrenching his wrist out from his grasp. Dokugakuji was jerked forward, but caught himself and slid across the roof towards Gojyo again.

"We saw you sick and didn't know what else to do but try and help you. Yaone had to run your hair through a couple hundred tests before she got to pregnancy." Doku looked down and away. "She has no idea how the hell it happened, and nor do any of us; half-breeds are supposed to be sterile." Gojyo gritted his teeth when Dokugaku called him a half-breed. "I'm glad you found out about the kid, too- I was scared you'd've killed the thing by now- but you must know you're at risk. Kougaiji's orders are to reclaim the Sutras and kill you pilgrims if you get in his way, and as much as you have to live your own life, I gotta protect you and the kid." He kept edging closer and closer to Gojyo, feet scratching the rough shingles as Gojyo kept stumbling back and away. "Besides that, Yaone told me there's something odd about your pregnancy and she wants to examine you closer-"

"Am I a damned experiment now?" Gojyo demanded, grabbing the ledge of the window with shaking hands. He picked up a loose shingle off the eave and held it in the window, aiming it at Hakkai's head, ready to wake him. "You think I want to be examined and babied like some damned child? I grew up, bro, I can protect myself-"

"Listen to what I'm saying- Yaone thinks there's something wrong." Doku managed to straighten himself up, walking up the roof. "It's bad enough that you're not even supposed to be pregnant- you're a man, and you're not supposed to have a viable bloodline-" Gojyo punched Dokugakuji in the gut, causing the demon to grunt and stagger back. He only managed to catch himself before falling off the roof, but Gojyo fixed Doku with an even, merciless stare.

"I don't care about any of that. If something's up, I'll burn that bridge when I get to it. I like a good surprise." Gojyo's upper lip curled as though he'd been spat on. "I can protect my kid myself. I'm not going with you."

"I'm not sure you get it- I ain't givin' you a choice." Dokugakuji straightened up and lunged for Gojyo, and pulled him off the ledge to the overhang. Gojyo could feel himself slipping, but there was gunfire. A bullet grazed Doku's arm, and he let go of Gojyo, and both men slid down the ledge towards the overhang. Gojyo caught himself, but Dokugakuji slid off and to the ground. He groaned as he checked himself for where the bullet hit. It looked like an intentional miss, but there was a burn where the bullet had just missed him. As Gojyo began trying to scramble back up the roof, he looked at the smoking gun in Sanzo's hands, as the priest stood at his window, robe folded down, still staring down the sight directly at him.

"Get back inside before someone sees you." Sanzo adjusted his aim to point at Dokugakuji again, but Doku knew better and fled down the street, gone before Gojyo could take a second look. "It's bad enough that I could hear you." Gojyo scaled back up the roof to Sanzo's window ledge, clutching the bed sheet around him as he started to close the window. Gojyo stopped him with one hand and crawled into Sanzo's room, panting to catch his breath.

"What the hell are you doing up at this hour anyway?" Gojyo managed to get back to a stand, adjusting his toga tighter to his body, as Sanzo went to unlock his door. "Why are you protecting me?"

"Get out." Sanzo opened the door and pointed out into the hall. Gojyo scowled bitterly and shoved past him.

"Don't even know why you bothered helping me."

As Gojyo passed him into the hallway, Sanzo scoffed. "You really think I'm just going to let you and the bastard get hurt?" Before Gojyo had a chance to turn around, Sanzo slammed the door behind him.

Gojyo stared at the door, and couldn't stop himself from leaning and pressing himself against it. His nose was still sensitive, so could still smell Sanzo in the air even when he was gone. Earth, incense, yellowed paper, sunlight. Gojyo tried to feel Sanzo, imagining the warmth of the priest against his belly in his embrace. Those moments were richer in his memory. What had felt stiff and uncomfortable in the heat of the moment was turning to withheld, aching passion full of unspeakable desire in his mind. He felt a groan against his tongue, swallowed it and gasped softly. He finally forced himself from the door, and shuffled down the hallway with his heart throbbing.

_You saved me. I don't deserve it, but you saved me. I don't get it- don't you hate me?_ He remembered the contract- Sanzo had to give him comfort if he behaved, didn't he? Maybe that would make that awful, cold feeling go away, or at least help him forget how helpless he felt.

He turned back towards the door and silently pleaded with Sanzo to forgive him, even if he didn't know what he had to be sorry for.

* * *

**End Notes: **Man, do I wanna hug Gojyo sometimes... he suffers so much for our entertainment. In order to get back on schedule, there will be one more week of consecutive updates, and then I'll be returning to the every-other-week schedule. Boy, the holidays set me off, huh?

I do like to respond to reviews, so from the past few chapters:

**RodiSquall: **Thanks, as always, for all your corrections! I hope I've tamed the spellcheck this time... but probably not. Go get you some coffee!

**DarkAmberDragon:** The new stuff has started kicking in- little scenes here and there. There's a bunch that's new starting in chapter 5!

**Damaged Emerald:** It's okay, you don't need to have read the original! Just enjoy it for what it is. Thanks for reading!

**IC2014: **Hey, you know what they say- be careful what you wish for! Maybe he'll find the silver lining to it all soon.

Don't forget to review!


	6. 5A: Want

**King Rat: Deep Water**

**Author Notes:** This begins the real expansion of the story- not just our main character (ugh, that is such a bad joke), but the material. This and the next chapter were originally one, but after doubling it in length, I split it up. So, enjoy!

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Saiyuki or its characters, do not profit, and wish I could. But I don't.

* * *

**5A: Want**

Silence could be painful, which was why Gojyo always talked. He and Goku played cards and games, Go Fish and War, right down to "I Spy" and counting birds, until they got bored out of their minds and began to argue over nothing. This always led to roughhousing, even as Gojyo's pregnancy had progressed. Goku tried not to hit Gojyo in the stomach, as big of a target as it was, but instead would give him noogies and yank his ears. Gojyo had no such restrictions, willing to pull hair and twist nipples if it would give him an advantage. There were never any winners, though, and the fight would always end with Sanzo whipping around and whacking the two of them atop the head with his fan. As Hakkai viewed it, in a fight between Gojyo and Goku, Sanzo always won.

However, after Sanzo saved him late in the night, the silence didn't matter. Gojyo would allow the quiet to needle him, letting his spine and neck tingle, nagging at him for hours on end, if he could get what he wanted. The very next day, Gojyo committed to "behaving" in the back seat- sitting quietly, hands folded in his lap, staring at the backs of Hakkai and Sanzo's heads and daydreaming. Goku tried to spur him into playing games, but Gojyo resisted.

"Come on, you're so boring!" Goku moaned, after failing to get Gojyo to break out the deck of cards again. "Are you getting sick again? Is it 'cause of little cousin?" He grinned slyly, expecting his taunt to get a reaction, but Gojyo rubbed his thumb and ring finger against the sides of his head. Disappointed, Goku sat back in his seat and folded his arms. "Man, you're lame." Sanzo scoffed, but Hakkai let his gaze linger in the rear-view mirror for a moment too long as Gojyo hunched over, staring at the Jeep's floor.

Hakkai had noticed that Gojyo was acting like he had before learning of his condition, but had chosen not to say anything about it. Perhaps Goku was right- perhaps he was "sick again." Further pregnancy symptoms seemed like the most obvious root.

As the baby grew, Gojyo grew with it, and his body was taking the brunt of it. Swollen ankles and random aches and pains were normal, but for a body not designed for its current use, worse problems were inevitable. Gojyo started to quietly complain of back pain, which was a significant red flag to Hakkai. Considering how little Gojyo was talking with his mouth clamped shut and his eyes on the floor, if he was mentioning it, Hakkai knew it had to be much worse than he let on. Even his chi influence wouldn't be able to suppress all of it, and he could only help when Gojyo asked for it. Gojyo's manly pride often got between him and the help he wanted or needed, so Hakkai had to feel his tension, as he dug his heels in on the floor and swallowed deeply to will out the sickness, until he either got through it or caved. Mercifully, Gojyo's nausea faded away, or at least lessened, but his aversion to most foods remained, and he began to have desperate cravings. Hakkai only realized the extent of these in the middle of Gojyo's fourth month, after a night camping in a lush forest clearing:

Gojyo was sitting away from the fire as Hakkai prepared dinner for the party. Goku had managed to take down a deer and dragged it back to camp, and Hakkai had finished the job with a knife. Sanzo muttered funeral rites, though none of the others were sure if he was being sarcastic or simply pedantic, while Hakkai cleaned, gutted, and skinned it. Hakkai had put the skin to dry on a laundry line, treated with salt and lye- "Never know when we'll need an extra blanket," Hakkai had said- he'd ground the bones to seed the earth and set up a smoke box for the bulk of the meat. He had left out just enough to make four skewers of venison chunks, and along with some chopped peppers and onions. To anyone else, this meal would have looked like camp-out cuisine. To Gojyo, though, it was sensory overload.

He had his mouth and nose covered, as he always did during meal times, because the smell of cooking meat and black pepper gave him a headache. Even when cooking was finished, the smell of hot meat lingered, and Gojyo's mouth watered against the rising bile. He kept himself as far away from the fire pit as he could without leaving Hakkai's line of sight, curling up beside a verdant and lush but crooked linden tree to try and block out the simultaneously tantalizing and disgusting smell. His stomach growled and twisted at the same time, calling out for something he knew they didn't have. "Just... shut up in there." He jabbed his thumb into his midsection. "I'm not-" he stopped when he realized he was arguing with the baby, who had not started the argument, and probably could not argue back. He sighed, and pressed his back to the tree and tried to ignore the others as they started their meal, Hakkai and Sanzo clearing their skewers onto a plate, while Goku chomped his meat off the stick. He shaded his face from view and waited for Hakkai to finish in the hopes that he could settle his stomach long enough for him to consume and digest _some_ of it. Goku noticed, however, that Gojyo was making soft gagging, sobbing noises even where he sat. He took his skewer in hand, still pulling meat off the stake with his teeth, and toddled over to join him.

"Hey, Gojyo, aren't you and little cousin hungry?" He held his stake out to Gojyo, letting him smell the dripping meat. "You got a lot of tummy to fill, so you better get started!" Gojyo pinched his nose.

"Idiot monkey, you're gonna make me sick! Leave me alone!" He buried his face in his arms, glaring at the ground. "I don't want your crap!" Goku pouted.

"Don't call me an idiot! Anyway, you can't have this one, it's mine!" Goku said, bouncing away from Gojyo. He beckoned him with a waved hand. "Come over here and have some!"

"I don't want it! Just fuck off!" With this, Sanzo put his plate down, pulled out the harisen, strode over to Gojyo and smacked him on the back of the head with his fan. Gojyo, with his face pressed into his forearms, hadn't even seen it coming, but glared over the edge of the muscle at Sanzo.

"You'll die if you don't eat." Sanzo looked down his nose at Gojyo, eyes narrow and sandals flat and rigid against the dust. "If you want to die, go get killed somewhere else- I'll find you a mad youkai if you'd like- but you're not going to do it like this." Sanzo folded his arms, and Gojyo stood up to face him.

"The smell of that meat makes me feel sick. I can't help it." He felt nausea wash over him as Sanzo's eyebrow raised and his upper lip curled into a derisive sneer. "It's not like I want to fuckin' starve to death, but I ain't got much goddamn choice!"

"What do you want to eat?" Sanzo put his face close to Gojyo's, their eyes locked. Gojyo refused to answer, glaring back.

"Quit pretending to give a shit, stinking monk, and go eat your shitty meat over there." Gojyo remained still, but he felt his shoulder tingle at another presence beside him.

"Gojyo, is there anything I can make for you? We have some other provisions." Hakkai had joined the two, but both Gojyo and Sanzo had completely blocked out his approach as he and Sanzo locked icy eyes. Gojyo felt Hakkai's hand on his shoulder, and his resolve softened for long enough for him to find an answer.

"Kimchi or pickles." Gojyo's eyes flashed to Hakkai, though the rest of him was still focused on Sanzo. Sanzo's eye twitched.

"All this complaining about how bad things smell, and you want kimchi or pickles?"

"Yes. That's what I want." Gojyo folded his arms tight, eyes and tone sharp. "You want me to eat? Get me a pickle, asshole!"

"I would, but I wouldn't know which hole to stick it in!" Sanzo snapped back, elbows tight, back stiff. Gojyo gritted his teeth, fists at the ready and elbows drawn back, but Hakkai stepped between the pair to hold Gojyo back the second he tried to lunge forward. Sanzo lit a fresh cigarette and turned away, while Gojyo tried to push past Hakkai to get at Sanzo.

"Let me strangle the stupid bastard! I'll beat him to a pulp!"

"Now, now," Hakkai could only laugh, as Sanzo went back to his place and Gojyo swore insults at his retreating back:

"You have no fucking clue how this feels! I'll beat your brains in if you fuck with me or my kid!"

Even Goku had to look over at Sanzo. "Why you gotta mess with him? You know he's in a bad mood."

Hakkai was glad that with pickled cabbage available in their cooler and restocked at every rest stop, Gojyo was eating, and it was more apparent than ever that he was eating for two. His midsection had swollen to the point where baggy clothes couldn't hide it, curving out significantly under his ribcage and lapping his waistband. Soon, his folded hands covered a considerable bump, with his belt removed and his shirt stretched. His pants were much tighter, especially around his hips, but even the baggy legs felt a little less roomy through the thighs. It could have been excused as weight gain, but his cheeks were too thin, and his neck and wrists were thinner than ever- Hakkai was certain he would be wasting away if he weren't being forced to eat sometimes. However, Hakkai could see the increase around his middle almost day to day, and he was sure Gojyo noticed it. He obviously didn't like his new, more pear-like shape, and Hakkai could tell just from the look on his face when he folded his hands over his growing middle. He would glare whenever Goku poked it and teased, but as he withdrew again, he stopped reacting. Somehow, that he'd shut down his annoyance and resorted to just covering the swell as much as he could was another red flag to Hakkai. All of this just led him to keep a close, but discreet eye on him.

_'After all, he's been good since he accepted the child,'_ Hakkai had reasoned. _'He doesn't need me to mother him. Just to be sure he stays on the right path.'_ He resolved to maintain some distance- after all, he was a man and an adult, and he had to learn to take care of himself sometime, especially since he would soon have to take care of someone else.

In spite of him maintaining his distance, Gojyo knew Hakkai was watching him, but he didn't care. Hakkai was giving him more independence (thankfully) and he had a chance to have his way. After the rope had been cut, it hadn't been put back on, and Gojyo was now allowed to summon his weapon at will. He was allowed to gamble again, and Hakkai even let him have his own room when there was room enough at their selected inn for it. He even managed to slip the rare horrible-tasting cigarette out of Sanzo's robe pocket and would smoke it in private. It may have tasted foul to the point where his tongue stung, but the nicotine was a welcome relief.

Even with his freedom, though, he couldn't return to normal. He didn't drink because even Goku would stop him if he even tried to order anything, so he'd stopped bothering._ 'After all,'_ he mused, _'Wouldn't want it fucking up the kid's brain.' _ Even worse, the one vice he could still get away with, gambling, was no longer fun. Before, when he would play, he would let his natural charm and charisma dictate the pace of the game, and he would usually use it to his advantage. Now, he felt an unfamiliar anxiety when he sat at a table with unfamiliar people where he never had before. He used to not care who looked at him, nor in what way, but now he sensed judgment and even derision. Not once had anyone said anything about his size, but it may have just been that they couldn't tell when he was sitting down. He could get over that, but the worst part about gambling was the presence of the fairer sex. Floozies loved a good poker player, after all- all the better to rob him blind in the morning. Once Gojyo did find his pace, he was still good, and it got attention. Women surrounded him, mussing his hair and flirting. He could grin and use it to torment his fellow players, but he felt nothing from their admiration, and he didn't want them to look at his lap where his belly pressed against the bottom of the table. He didn't even want them to touch him- especially not when he realized that Hakkai and Sanzo were both watching him from across any tavern they'd settled in for the night.

He hadn't changed his mind on his sudden realization that he wasn't attracted to women as much as he had been, even though the thought still freaked him out- when had he outranked the touch of a woman for men? But it wasn't men he cared about- he didn't want any man. He wasn't looking for sex, he didn't want that either. He had stopped carrying condoms in his back pocket. He didn't even feel good when a woman whispered her dirty thoughts in his ear. He didn't want them anymore.

What he wanted sat in the front seat of the Jeep, reading a newspaper or sleeping, with his golden hair glimmering in the sunlight.

Gojyo wanted Sanzo. Only Sanzo, just Sanzo, just him. He didn't know why and he would never be able to explain it, but he wanted to be pushed down and degraded, just for the sake of human contact- any other touch would have felt perverse to him. He didn't care that it would hurt- he wanted to feel worthy of attention, even if it was only for a second. He was sure it was almost impossible, but the thought of Sanzo's hands on his body were enough to ground him for a moment. However, there was a glimmer of hope:

_"You really think I'm just going to let you and the bastard get hurt?"_

Sanzo hadn't mentioned the incident to Hakkai and Goku, as far as Gojyo could tell. Hakkai had slept soundly on when he'd slipped back into their shared room, and no further mention of Dokugakuji's appearance had come up. Gojyo was thankful for this, as he was sure if Hakkai had known his brother was trying to take him, then he would have become more protective than before. Gojyo couldn't imagine why Sanzo was keeping quiet, but he had a few ideas.

_Maybe he doesn't think it's important to say anything. Maybe he thinks I can take care of myself. Maybe he doesn't want Hakkai to protect me. Maybe he just wants me to be indebted to him._

All of it maybes, none of it for sure. He didn't even care about the reasoning, but being rescued was enough to trigger another new emotion in him, one he didn't have a name for. But he knew longing, he knew desire, and he knew he wanted one more night with Sanzo. He also knew that the contract that kept his heart locked and his mouth shut was still valid.

Even he wasn't sure why he hadn't broken the contract. He knew now he could have told Hakkai just who had fathered the baby, and Hakkai would probably have taken him at his word, but Sanzo would have denied it, denied him, and never would have let him come close to him again. Gojyo only then realized that even at the depths of his despair, when he was so angry at his situation he couldn't think straight, he didn't want that to happen. Now, it was his lifeline. He behaved as well as he could so he could invoke the contract's terms, but since he knew Sanzo now loathed his very existence, he couldn't expect much. However, he did whatever he could think of. He didn't fight with Goku, he resisted his urges to horse around in the car, he didn't speak more than a word or two within three meters of Sanzo, no matter how much he wanted to:

"Gojyo, any idea what you would like to eat for dinner?" Hakkai asked, looking over his shoulder. Gojyo stared at his feet and shrugged. "Really, no preferences at all?" Gojyo shrugged again. "Hmm." Hakkai turned his gaze back to the road. "Well, if you do think of something, let me know." Gojyo waited in silence until the next rest stop, then pulled Hakkai aside.

"I don't care what we have for dinner, but I really don't want anything that has fish in it," he confided, looking over his shoulders to ensure he wasn't heard by the others. Hakkai smiled and patted his shoulder.

"Duly noted. Don't be shy- after all, your appetite is sensitive enough as it is." His hand slid down Gojyo's shoulder to the small of his back. "So, tell me, have you noticed the baby moving at all? You would probably feel it if it did." Gojyo hid a flinch as Hakkai's thumb landed on the side of his belly.

"Uh- well-" He felt the hair on the back of his neck stand up, and noticed Sanzo had come closer to the two, arms folded and glowering at the sides of their heads. He lowered his eyes and shook his head.

"Ah." Hakkai cocked his head and folded his arms, resting his chin on the back of his hand. "I would like to know, if only so I can feel it. After all, I doubt I'll have a chance to experience that ever again. Shall we?" Hakkai turned and retreated towards the Jeep, and Gojyo sighed and scratched the back of his head. Sanzo moved to follow him, but stopped a meter away from him.

"What idiocy were you talking about?" Sanzo kept his arms folded tight to his chest, eyes narrow, lips thin. Gojyo hung his head, lowering his eyes. He was too nervous to look Sanzo in the eyes, afraid of being seen as challenging him.

"Nothing important." He stuffed his hands in his pockets and walked away, feeling the extra weight under his cupped palms. Sanzo scoffed and dug in his pockets for a cigarette.

"Liar." He lit up and smoked. The smell entranced Gojyo briefly, but he pushed it from his mind, let the insult roll off his back, but something about how he said the word stuck.

But Gojyo stayed quiet. He sat still, bored out of his mind, and withdrawing deeper into it. If nothing else, the silence gave him time to think, and he found he had little other to think about than Sanzo.

_Maybe he's waiting for me to give up. Maybe he hasn't noticed that I'm being good. Maybe he doesn't care. Maybe he would rather I just leave. _

And that thought was when he thought about Sanzo less, and himself more.

_Maybe I should. Maybe if I run, I'll be able to forget how I feel. Maybe I can ignore it. Maybe I could just vanish into the ether, make a new life for me and my kid, and forget this whole stupid thing- but Hakkai would miss me- but I'd be a lot less trouble for him. Maybe I wouldn't be missed. Maybe they'd be happier if I left. I know he would. I'm sure he would. Maybe I shouldn't bother anymore._

It went on and on like that, arguing himself in circles between reasons Sanzo wouldn't give him a chance, and reasons he should give up. He kept his hands over his middle, trying to hide it, but he couldn't- in fact, it had begun to hide things from him. He couldn't see his feet, and this became troublesome when he got into the one thing that distracted him from his silent contemplation- the daily assassination attempt.

It was rare nowadays that they met any attackers with any significant skill- the worst they'd had in the last month were the most recent set, a gang of three brothers well-versed in a corrupted version of Shao-lin martial arts. They'd cornered the Sanzo party on a hill and took the high ground, and pincered them with their lackeys surrounding them below. However, even that wasn't enough to overtake them. The party divided four ways for the fight. Hakkai and Goku each took on one of the brothers without a second thought, while Sanzo held off the last. The two youkai and Sanzo had to team up to finish the last one, leaving Gojyo at the bottom of the hill protecting their backs. In spite of his combat skills, Gojyo had been reduced to taking down their mooks, but even that had become hard for him. After just five minutes on his feet, dodging and running and fighting like hell, he was out of breath. He also discovered that his footing was uneven with every step, and he was quickly cornered. However, he refused to call for help.

"I can handle this shit on my own," he decided under his breath, and roared as he redoubled his efforts. He managed to hold his own, stumbling and staggering his way through combat, until the last of the three brothers were dispatched with the Makai Tenjo spell, at which point the assailants turned tail and fled. His legs completely lost feeling, and he fell to his hands and knees, wheezing for breath. Hakkai rushed over to him, even though his wounds were not as serious as Goku's or Sanzo's, and got down in front of him.

"Are you hurt?" Hakkai put his hand on his chin and forced him to look up. Gojyo panted, but shook his head. He patted his cheek. "You can't keep doing this."

"You'd... be..." Gojyo wheezed, hugging his chest. "Surprised..." He pulled back from Hakkai and curled up, feeling the blood running down his face and arms from the scratches and gashes. "Just... help them first. You all had the worst of it." Hakkai reached for him again, but he pushed his hand away. "Go!" Hakkai chose not to argue another second, and went back to take care of their other two companions.

After their wounds had been healed, Hakkai sat Gojyo down in the back seat, letting him hand his legs out of the car and , then checked him over with a quick scan of his chi and tried to check the baby. "You strained a few muscles, but you're okay." He gave his stomach a gentle pat. "The baby's okay, too- I still sense life, and vibrant life too! It's practically bubbling over- it almost seems too energetic!" He smiled, but Gojyo shrank back.

"Stop." He turned his legs into the car and leaned his head against the back of the front seat. "Don't... touch it." Hakkai withdrew his hand and looked at his fingers.

"Does it hurt when I read through your chi?"

"No, I just don't want you to touch it!" Gojyo's voice cracked, and he tried to cover his abdomen with his arms and hands. Goku and Sanzo had watched the exchange from halfway up the hill, Sanzo smoking and Goku picking at his bandages.

"What'cha think is wrong with him?" Goku looked over to Sanzo, who didn't look back.

"He's fine," Sanzo grumbled, shifting his weight under him and sitting back against the grass. "He's just being difficult."

The next morning, which marked sixteen weeks since he'd learned of his "condition," Gojyo decided to take a different tack. The four found themselves facing another gang of youkai crawling out of the river by which they were trying to make camp. "Kappas." Sanzo wrinkled his nose and readied his pistol. "Brilliant." He kicked the Jeep door open (to Hakuryu's loud displeasure) and rushed to the front.

"I'll deal with this." Gojyo summoned the shakujou to his hand, but as he tried to get to his feet, Hakkai turned around and shoved him down by his shoulder.

"Stay back," he ordered, and jumped out of the Jeep. Goku had already followed Sanzo, leaving Gojyo alone. Gojyo watched, feeling an empty sensation in the pit of his gut as he realized what was happening. Hakkai was expecting him to watch them fight, and let himself be protected. He could see Hakkai looking over his shoulder at him, moving closer and stretching out his ki control to halt any enemy that came close to the Jeep. Then, he realized that Sanzo was watching him too- out of the corner of his eye, over his shoulder, but his eyes were fixed on him. Gojyo could almost feel his stare- like ice, sub-zero, and yet hot, like a vindictive child standing over an ant with a magnifying glass. But then Gojyo looked past it- the mad kappa with scaled claws extending towards Sanzo's neck. Gojyo couldn't stop himself from rushing from the car, stumbling his way between Sanzo and the youkai. His legs were shaking- he had no idea he could move that fast- but he caught the youkai's claws on the shaft of the spade and threw it off, then put the short blade through its neck. He dropped to his knees as Sanzo fired another shot over his head.

"Are you just waiting for someone to kill you?" Sanzo was no longer looking directly at Gojyo, as Hakkai finished the last of the youkai off. Gojyo caught his breath as the effort caught up with him, feeling his insides twist, and he had to support himself on the shaft of his spade. Sanzo looked down at him, and pointed the pistol at his head. "You were told not to get involved."

"I ain't gonna stand by and let you get killed." Gojyo released his weapon and pushed it in front of him as he fell towards his chest. He caught himself on his hands, and took another deep breath and turned his head up to look at Sanzo, straight up the barrel of the gun and into his face. "I don't care that you hate me." Gojyo wasn't sure whether to be relieved or sick to his stomach- Sanzo was looking him in the eyes for the first time in what felt like forever, or at least several months. Sanzo didn't seem to have a response, but turned listlessly away.

"I don't want to sleep here. I suggest we move on." He holstered his gun and walked around Gojyo, folding his arms in his sleeves. Hakkai moved forward to help Gojyo to his feet, but Gojyo pulled his feet under him and got to a stand. He pressed his hand into his front, smoothing down his shirt. Hakkai tried to grab at him, but Gojyo pulled away.

"I'm fine, bro." Gojyo dusted himself off, but felt a chill run down his side. No, more than a chill- a new sensation, like the shifting of a muscle, but firmer. He rested his hand there, and could feel a distinct movement within. His jaw fell open, as he realized the baby had started moving and, by his guess, was elbowing his oblique muscles. Hakkai noticed his expression- mouth hanging open, eyes distant, shoulders dropped, looking dumbstruck.

"Are you certain?" Hakkai waved his hand in front of Gojyo's face. Gojyo noticed Sanzo turning his eyes back to him over his shoulder, and wiped his face to blank.

"It's nothing." He laced his hands behind his back, trying not to touch his middle and resisting the urge to tell Hakkai that the baby was awake and alive, that he could feel it either kicking or elbowing him- he wasn't sure- but those lazy purple eyes and their constant creeping ice made him silence himself. Instead, he slouched over and shuffled back to the Jeep, shrugging off Hakkai's touch. Sanzo scoffed as Gojyo passed him to get into the back seat.

"Quit pouting. For once, you're not pissing me off." Gojyo nodded and turned his head so Sanzo couldn't look him in the eyes, but his heart was dancing in his chest.

_You do know I exist. Maybe you want me too. Please say you want me. That's all I really want._ He curled up in the seat and stared at the back of Hakkai's headrest, forcing himself not to look at Sanzo. _Please want me._

* * *

**End Notes:** In two weeks, let's see if Sanzo reciprocates, shall we?

Two quick responses:

_DarkAmberDragon**-**_ Thank you kindly! I would hope that four years of refining my style would make some improvements. Please continue to enjoy!

_RodiSquall-_ Ehe, well, we'll see what we can do about those hugs. Just gotta work on that magic pen that brings whatever I write to life...

Until next time!


	7. 5B: Reciprocate

**King Rat: Deep Water**

**Author Notes:** I admit it- I love this chapter. I just do. Quite a few changes from where it started, too, so enjoy!

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing, but I totally found my Gensomaden plushie collection. Everyone but Kougaiji, who I think I gave to a friend years ago. Still don't own Saiyuki or profit from this writing.

* * *

**5B: Reciprocate**

Under fresh bandages and the setting sun, the Sanzo party drove on from the kappa-infested creek in near-silence but for the revving of the engine. Gojyo stared out the window, heart bouncing between his ribs in his chest. The sensation of his own heart was somehow more exciting than the sensation in his belly- at least for a little while. Soon, it became apparent that the movement wasn't stopping.

_Is this what you're like when you're awake?_ "Quit that." He prodded his stomach, but quickly bit his own tongue as he realized, _I'm talking to it again._ Sanzo and Hakkai had both looked back at him when he'd spoken, the former with a raised brow, the latter with half a glance in the rear view mirror.

"Did you say something?" Hakkai asked, looking again at the road.

"No, just... talkin' to myself." Gojyo cringed, as Sanzo straightened his lips and turned back around. Goku seemed to notice the wrought expression Gojyo wore.

"Did you get hurt?" He leaned closer, and grabbed Gojyo's arm to look it over. "I don't see any cuts or bruises, not even a little boo-boo!" Gojyo pulled his arm away, and folded his arms and legs in as tight as he could. He knew Sanzo was still listening to him, he knew he could lose what he'd earned, and he couldn't afford that.

_'For once, you're not pissing me off.'_ That simple phrase was indication enough that Sanzo would be willing to honor their contract. He just had to keep it that way.

The sun sank, though June still sweltered in pulsating waves of humidity and heat around them. Gojyo's clothes stuck to his skin, his hair slick against his neck and forehead. The others were sweating as well, but Gojyo could tell that Sanzo was the only one remotely as warm as he was- _That robe has gotta be stifling._

Still, they drove on for an hour in the dark, finally finding a town in the foothills of a mountain. The river still flowed past it, powering a grinding mill near the edge of town, but there was no evidence of the youkai infestation there. It seemed based on its size that it would have been a fairly busy market town during the day- lots of three-story buildings and narrow streets. The Jeep whined as they rolled through the town, barely fitting between the sidewalks, the engine shuddering in first gear. Hakkai patted the wheel. "We're fine." He sighed as the Jeep chattered back at him. "We fit." Gojyo couldn't hide a noise that was somewhere between a chuckle and a scoff- he knew how the Jeep felt.

"Just a little too big for your britches, eh?" He patted the side of the car, which resulted in an angry whine from the motor.

They had to check with three of the town's inns before they found one with any rooms at all. There were two single-bed rooms in the one they found, which sat near the town center in the midst of the crooked and cramped streets. Gojyo couldn't imagine how they weren't more popular, especially with how rowdy their tavern was. Hakkai figured it out as they carried their things up to the rooms on the second floor (or, more accurately, as Hakkai carried his and Gojyo's bags, Goku carried his own pack, and Sanzo silently marched behind them, empty-handed.) "You can hear the noise from below as if you were in there." He nodded towards the shuddering floorboards. "It may be convenient to the town center, which is why all the off-shift workers are unwinding below, but anyone actually wanting to sleep may have some difficulty."

The rooms were spaced around the corner around from one another. As they opened the first one and Goku bounded in, Sanzo drew his face into a sterner-than-usual expression. "Sleeping with him will make sleeping at all impossible." He glowered at Goku, who had started jumping on the bed.

"Ah, you'd rather we gambled on it?" Hakkai giggled, and Gojyo looked away to hide a guilty look from Hakkai. "That's fine by me, we could use a meal anyway- I don't feel like sleeping yet myself." He glanced over to Gojyo, who turned his face further away. "How about we just put our things down for the moment? We'll sort it all out later."

Hakkai took Gojyo down the hall and set their bags on the bed. "Freshen up," he encouraged Gojyo, gesturing towards the bathroom with a nudging motion. Gojyo shrugged, and washed his face and the back of his neck in the bathroom sink. He tried not to look at his reflection- as of the past few months, he never liked what he saw. He splashed some cold water in his hair, wringing it through his bangs. He stared into the basin for a moment, then sighed- he felt that odd twitching in his stomach again.

"I thought I told you to quit that!" He groaned and gave his midsection a light slap. Hakkai popped his head in from the other room.

"Oh, is she acting up?"

"Who the hell said it was a 'she'?!" Gojyo threw his arms rigid to his sides, as Hakkai entered and approached.

"Let me see." Without waiting for permission, Hakkai's hands landed on his belly. He ran them all over, and finally stopped when he found the movement. "Ah! There she is."

"I'm still askin' about that 'she.' Get off." He pushed Hakkai's hand away. Hakkai's smile broke to a rather hurt look for a moment, but he pushed a small smile back to the surface.

"Does it really bother you that much? And..." He folded his arms and tucked his hands against his chest. "I'm calling the baby a 'she' because it might help you get used to the idea of a little person living inside you, coming into your life. You keep saying 'it.'"

"It's livin' inside me, I got that part." Gojyo strode past Hakkai out of the bathroom, and Hakkai followed at his heels. "And I know it's gonna come out eventually." He dropped himself onto the bed and started to dig through his bag. "I don't get why you wanna start calling it a girl, though!"

"Perhaps that's my own bias." Hakkai crouched in front of Gojyo, looking up at him over his middle. "Perhaps I would like it to be a girl. Somehow, it seems right- the eldest in the family should be a daughter."

"Family," Gojyo repeated. The word felt soft and unpleasant on his tongue, and the disgust must have showed in his face from Hakkai's reaction:

"You do want a family, don't you?" His hand reached out again, then twitched back. Gojyo sighed.

"It's fine," he relented under his breath. "I just really hate when you do this in front of the others." Hakkai smiled, and he put his hand on Gojyo's side.

"If you'd rather I keep this between us, that's fine." His smile seemed much more natural as he rolled up the bottom of Gojyo's shirt and slipped his hand against the taut skin. "I know your family life has been very, very limited. But this child will be your family- our family. I'll be a proud uncle, and incredibly happy. You will be too- you'll see." Gojyo shivered as the baby's movement gravitated towards Hakkai's touch. "There you are, darling." His eyes showed a deep warmth, and Gojyo settled back against the bed. Hakkai's hand was strangely soothing, and Gojyo wondered if he was manipulating his chi. He couldn't feel the usual tug at his energy flow- maybe this contentment was natural. He shifted his weight further back, relaxing the muscles in his back. Hakkai seemed encouraged, smiling a little wider. "Is there any way you can tell me when you conceived?"

"No." Gojyo lowered his eyes.

"Hmm." Hakkai seemed nonplussed, rubbing his chin with two fingers as he thought. "By my guess, you must be at least twenty weeks- since we learned of this about sixteen weeks ago. But your basal height-" he stopped, putting his hand under Gojyo's navel and the other at his hips. "It's been consistently too high." He put his other hand behind his back, and tapped his index finger on the fullest part of his belly. "You've got a bit too much here, but I'm sure you've just gained extra weight because you're so skinny. I shouldn't try and apply female standards to you, it's not really fair." Gojyo grumbled, ignoring the heat in his cheeks.

"How you know all this shit, anyway?"

"I picked up a book when I found out you were expecting." Hakkai withdrew his hands and went for his pack. He held out a book to Gojyo- 'A Medical Guide to High-Risk Pregnancy.' He set the book on the bed beside Gojyo. "I've picked up one or two or six at nearly every town we've stopped in since." Hakkai took out a few more books: 'Baby Basics,' 'A Home Guide to Midwifing,' 'Cooking for Two,' and a set of knitting patterns for baby clothes. "There's more in the Jeep's boot, too." He giggled, as Gojyo gaped at the books. "Poor Hakuryu is so tired of carrying them all, but I read whenever I have a chance."

"Guess I ain't noticed." Gojyo took the first book and flipped a few pages over. He didn't understand most of the bigger words, but he saw diagrams and pictures that sort of made sense. Hakkai smiled serenely and sat back on his haunches.

"At twenty weeks, the baby is about twenty-five centimeters long." Gojyo noticed a dog-eared page and flipped to it, as Hakkai summarized what Gojyo saw printed. "He or she has fully formed arms and legs, fingers and toes, and eyelids. His or her ears should be formed as well, and you may notice her react to noises. In the next few weeks, you will start to notice him or her react to motion- he or she may already be able to feel you walking. A fine layer of hair-"

"This thing can hear me?" Gojyo cocked his head. His hand moved to his middle without him noticing, and Hakkai smiled.

"You've been talking to her, haven't you? She'll recognize your voice. It'll be her favorite sound in the world." Hakkai put his hand over Gojyo's, and Gojyo slouched his shoulders.

"If you're gonna do this, can you at least call it a he?"

"If you prefer that, then yes. A little boy will be delightful. He'll be just like his mama." Hakkai stood up, and Gojyo jumped to his feet.

"That 'mama' shit stops right there! I'm Daddy, motherfucker!" He thumbed his chest, and Hakkai laughed a pleasant, amused laugh, clapping to himself- clearly, this was a victory for him.

"Let's go eat. You must be famished- and so is he." Hakkai put his hand on Gojyo's shoulder and escorted him from the room. Gojyo hid his disabused look behind his turned back, and forced his hands into his pockets. Saying it out loud made it seem much more real: he was going to be a Daddy. This wasn't going to end when this _thing_ was out of him, was it?

* * *

Under Sanzo's harsh stare, all thoughts of "Daddy" vanished. He was just him, with something extra, sitting as quietly as he could amongst the raucous party in the inn tavern at their table beside the stairs and shutting everything else out. He 'behaved' as best as he could. He didn't complain at the plate of chicken and limp asparagus unceremoniously dropped before him by a disgruntled and exhausted waitress. The sight of it made bile jump into his throat, but he choked it down, hiding his gagging into his vest collar. Sanzo and Hakkai drank a few beers over dinner, while Goku tried to engage Gojyo in conversation around mouthfuls of rice. Gojyo folded his arms and stared at the wall, legs shaking restlessly, and ignored Goku. Goku groaned, and pounded his fist on the table in front of him.

"You're no fun. Why do you look so mad? Does your tummy hurt?" Sanzo and Hakkai both looked, as Gojyo lowered his head.

"I'm just tired, okay?"

"It is near midnight, isn't it?" Hakkai took out the deck of cards. "And we haven't agreed on who's sleeping where." Sanzo sighed and put his cigarette out.

"Fine. Same rules as usual?"

Three hands of poker, no bluffs, highest hand wins. For a moment, all Gojyo could hear was the tapping of the shuffling cards against the table and blood rushing through his veins. This was his game to win- or lose.

"Okay, winner of this round gets the first bed." Hakkai as he dealt five cards to each of them, each card sliding across the table as smoothly as a swan on water. Goku picked his up for the first peek.

"Aww, only two tens?!" He slapped the cards back down.

"Three nines." Sanzo didn't tip his cards, but none of the others would question his word.

"Fuck all." Gojyo tossed his worthless hand back to the center of the table.

"Four aces. Lucky me!" Hakkai laughed. Goku and Gojyo grunted and groaned and rolled their eyes, and their merry mass murderer shuffled and dealt again, leaving himself out. "Next bed to the winner of this round." Goku picked up his hand first again, and groaned, already disappointed.

"Two sixes! So lame!"

"Two queens." A hint of a victorious smirk crossed Sanzo's visage- he shouldn't have been so cocky, except he must have known how bad Gojyo's luck would be that night:

"Fuck all." Goyjo sighed and threw his cards back into the pile. Hakkai raked them back towards himself and shuffled one more time.

"Oi, Gojyo, winner of this round gets to sleep on the floor with Hakkai," Goku suggested. "Deal?"

"You're on, monkey. Watch me." Gojyo's words were daring, but his tone somber- he had never wanted to lose a card game more in his life. He draped his arm over the back of his chair and slouched, as Goku leaned forward with anticipation, bouncing in his seat. Hakkai dealt ten cards, and each man stared at his face-down hand. Goku picked up his hand, and squinted with disappointment.

"Ohh, three eights. Gojyo, what do you have?"

Gojyo stared at his hand of four kings and an ace. He looked between Hakkai, Goku, and Sanzo, and finally sighed. "Fuck all." He tossed the cards back in the pile, and quickly began to shuffle the deck again.

Three hands, bluffs were fair game, and the lowest hand won the prize. Gojyo would never tell the others that he had changed the rules.

"I'll switch with you," Hakkai offered as he took the deck from Gojyo. "I'll stay on the floor with Sanzo, you can have my bed."

"Deal's a deal, and I'm a man of my word." Gojyo sat back again and folded his hands in his lap. Even Goku wore a pitying look now.

"Man, why do I feel so bad for winning?" He put his chin in his hand and moaned to himself. Sanzo sneered and got to his feet. Hakkai got up as well, taking a step to follow him.

"Will you switch?" Hakkai held his hand out, and Sanzo turned back to him, eyes full of that ice that was all too familiar to Gojyo. Sanzo didn't have to answer. Hakkai lowered his hand, and bowed his head. "Then, will you at least be kind to him for tonight?"

"Only if he behaves himself." Sanzo turned on his heel, taking a newspaper off the bar as he passed. He ascended the stairs, newspaper under his arm, and Gojyo hung his head.

"You shouldn't have to stand up for me." He had no idea why getting what he wanted felt this shameful, but his insides were swimming. Without Sanzo staring him down, he could release all the terrible that he'd bottled up for the past two hours and put his head in his hands. Goku moved his chair closer to Gojyo's.

"Cheer up!" He patted his back, though Gojyo tried to slouch away from him. "You can't mope just because things are hard, because things get better!"

"Do you have any idea how stupid you sound?" Gojyo shrugged Goku off. "Goddamn stupid philosophy monkey." Goku tried to latch back on, but Gojyo held him at arm's length.

"Just think about how he would want you to feel," Hakkai reminded Gojyo in his other ear. "Besides, if the baby likes Goku, you might be able to pawn him off sometimes." Gojyo groaned, and relented. Goku hung himself over Gojyo, squeezing his bulging tummy with happy hands. Gojyo gritted his teeth, his eye twitching, but resisted the urge to peel the handsy monkey off of him. Hakkai backed off and laughed, as Goku wrapped himself around Gojyo like an octopus. Goyjo was finally forced to smile, and set his hands on his own middle around Goku's. Hakkai imagined he was warming up to Goku's touch, but he couldn't be sure- he couldn't read his expression.

Gojyo didn't know what it was, but the feeling of a kind hand on his middle was somehow incredibly welcome. Suddenly, he was absolutely certain of what he wanted from Sanzo.

* * *

**(Suggested Track: "Breezeblocks," as covered by Konoba on Youtube. Originally by Alt-J.)**

Gojyo stared at the door to his and Sanzo's room, and braced himself. Hakkai had tried to carry his bag out of his room for him, but he had insisted on going alone, and now waited at the doorjamb with it slung over his shoulder. He knocked twice and got no response. He stepped back from the door, shuffled his feet, and waited about thirty seconds. He knocked again, once, and waited. No response. _Of course not._ Gojyo sighed, and turned the handle on the off chance that Sanzo had left it unlocked. The hinges clicked and the door swung open. _Huh. So much for off chances. _

Sanzo was seated on the bed, smoking a cigarette and reading his newspaper, as was his nightly ritual. Sanzo glanced up over the edge of the paper, over the rim of his reading glasses, for less than a moment, then continued to read. Gojyo dropped his bag, knowing he would get no other greeting; what little acknowledgment he got was enough. He grabbed his soap and toothbrush and trudged to the bathroom to prepare for sleep. The floorboards creaked under him, almost insulting him, but the tile of the unusually clean bathroom felt good against his aching feet. He splashed some water on his face, rubbing the filth of the day off. He caught a glimpse of himself in front of him, and looked up to stare at himself in the mirror. He couldn't remember the last he'd looked himself straight on, and was quickly reminded why. His eyes were ringed blue from lack of sleep, his cheekbones hollow, and his hair was uncooperative and wild. He yanked his vest and shirt off, and his gaze drifted back to his reflection. He looked at his frame, his round middle, and cupped the swell in his palms. It was heavy in his hands- the weight of his burden. He pressed his nose against the mirror, another sigh escaping his lips.

He couldn't stop wishing it would just go away. It wasn't even a matter of not wanting the baby. He wanted to turn the clock back to before the pregnancy, to when Sanzo could stand him, or when Sanzo would touch him, or even when the two were just mutually spiteful. He didn't even understand why he longed for Sanzo now- Sanzo had hurt him so badly, and he'd tried to avoid it, but now he wanted it back. And yet, it seemed hopeless. It was obvious Sanzo didn't have even an ounce of interest in him, and Gojyo wasn't sure what was more painful: hatred or indifference.

"You." Gojyo glanced to the washroom door, where Sanzo stood, glasses off and paper in hand. Gojyo wasn't sure when he'd come up, but he straightened up as Sanzo stared him down, arms folded. "You threw the card game."

"I did not." Gojyo smirked back at him- the look Sanzo was giving him was just daring him to pick a fight. "You look at my cards? I didn't peg you for a cheater."

"I can tell when you're lying." Sanzo clicked his tongue and tossed the newspaper down.

"Can you really?" Gojyo let the drawl slip out, a real smirk escaping to his cheeks. He set his hands on his hips and leaned closer, just daring Sanzo to throw an insult. "What's my tell?" Sanzo gave him no reaction, just the flat reply:

"You open your mouth." Gojyo scoffed, but he felt a fire inside- _It's almost like it used to be_. Then, Sanzo's tune changed, his brow wrinkled, and his tone darkened: "I know you've been trying hard to behave. You want sex, you sick pig?" Sanzo's tongue might as well have been dripping venom at those words. "Honestly, what's the point? No doubt you've been getting it a thousand other places. Your condition hasn't slowed you down- why let that get between you and your selfish-"

"I haven't had sex in more than five months," Gojyo interrupted. He tilted his head back and looked away; an awful, sick, hollow feeling had replaced the defiant joy of trading insults. "Last time was with you." He paused, and smirked for a moment. "Of course, you're not going to believe me, because my mouth is moving." He picked his clothes up and folded them on top of his bag, still trying to hide his misery with a smile all the while. He was sure the illusion would break if he had to look Sanzo in the eyes. "Truth be told, I don't even want sex."

"Then what do you want from me?" Sanzo folded his arms, and Gojyo hung his head as he rose to a stand. The hesitation was back, the pressure was upon him like a storm. With a soft growl, Sanzo closed the distance, seized him by his shoulders and slapped him across the face. "Talk! I know you want something from me, that's why you're acting like a goddamn statue. Talk!"

"How often do you tell me to shut up, Sanzo?" Gojyo chuckled softly, feeling alive briefly as his cheek stung. _This is familiar._ Sanzo narrowed his eyes and swung his hand back again, but Gojyo held up one hand. "I just want you to hold me. Just for a little while. Just for a minute." He took a half-step back from Sanzo towards the wall, stuffing his hands in his pockets. "You ever held someone before? I did it once. It's nice. It's kind of like sex, but since you still gotta use your body, I thought it'd fall under the contract."

"That fucking contract." Sanzo looked like he was tasting something foul. "I regret that piece of paper every day. What you propose is more disgusting to me than sex." Gojyo shrugged, his shoulders slouching.

"Fine, I'll just go to sleep. Can I have a pillow for the floor, or should I just fold my clothes into one?"

"Shut up and lay on the bed." Sanzo retreated a few steps towards the bed, still barely looking at Gojyo through narrow eyes. "You look like you'll cry if I refuse you, and that's even worse." Emotions beyond Gojyo's grasp brightened every synapse in his mind, joy flooding his every feature, his posture upright, his smile deep and childlike. He wanted to hug Sanzo, but that would be pushing it. He dropped his pants to the floor, kicked them at the corner, crawled onto the bed and covered himself with the sheet. Sanzo removed his sandals and robe, neatly hanging the latter, then folded the sutra into a neat square, his motions gentle and delicate. He tucked it into the sleeve of his robe, and removed his belt. He seemed to contemplate the wall for a moment, then turned out the lamp and approached the bed.

Moonlight cast a blue hue over the room, dampened by the curtains, but Gojyo could still see Sanzo move in the dark. He crawled over the sheet, the bed creaking under him, and lay on his side beside Gojyo, on his side and staring at him. The gaze was like a dead fish, blinking so rarely, and Gojyo couldn't quite look at him straight. Instead, Gojyo edged as close to Sanzo as he could without touching his face, and wrapped his arms around the priest's thin chest. Sanzo seemed to recoil when Gojyo pulled him into his embrace, his body pressed against the curve of Gojyo's stomach, but he didn't pull away completely. After a moment, he almost seemed to settle into his arms, a mouse no longer struggling against a snake.

A content warmth flushed Gojyo's cheeks, and he rocked Sanzo against him. He couldn't hold back the soft sigh that escaped his lungs and crossed his lips. He stroked the smooth skin of Sanzo's back, silently wishing Sanzo would move just to prove he was alive. All he had was a pulse and the feeling of his breath against his breastbone. Then, Sanzo's hand drifted its way around Gojyo's side and landed on the small of his back, resting there, and it was enough. Their hearts beat slowly, in sync with one another, and Gojyo imagined for a moment in the stillness that he and Sanzo had some form of togetherness, some form of being one.

_That's... that's what I want? No. I can't want that. He's never gonna want that. Never._

They stayed entwined for a few minutes, but Gojyo was starting to feel sweat on his skin and ice from inside. He started to unwrap himself from Sanzo, but froze when Sanzo grabbed his arm. "Don't move," he muttered, and Gojyo realized that the hand that had slid to his back was now on his side. "That_ thing _is moving."

_Shit._

"Uh, yeah. It does that sometimes. I can't help it." Gojyo tried to pull away again, but Sanzo wrapped his other arm around the small of Gojyo's back. "H-hey-"

"Shut up." Sanzo glared into Gojyo's eyes. Gojyo couldn't respond- Sanzo's gaze was unreadable, unfathomable. He couldn't imagine what was going on behind those eyes. Finally, Sanzo's lips moved again, each word deliberate: "How many people did you sleep with?"

"You're going to need to be specific about a 'when' on that." Gojyo slid his hand off of Sanzo and onto his own side. "I don't think I've got a count for the whole last twenty-two years." Gojyo hid his coy smile into the pillow, but Sanzo grabbed a tendril of his hair and yanked it to keep his attention, forcing him to face him.

"Fine. Specific? Between when you signed our contract and when you got knocked up. How many women did you fuck?"

Gojyo didn't even need to think about it. "None." Sanzo scoffed- he didn't seem surprised.

"How many men?" Ah. There was the question he'd wanted to ask, and Gojyo had the answer to that one too.

"One." Gojyo let a melancholy smile slip as Sanzo finally released his arm. "Am I lying, Sanzo? Do you think I'm lying? I'm not. You're the only one-" He started to sit up, but Sanzo leaned towards him.

"Before you fucked me. Before." He spoke faster- he was starting to look frantic. "How many people did you sleep with in the month before that?" Sanzo demanded, still staring into Gojyo's eyes. The ice was melting, but now Gojyo was starting to see fire.

"Nobody. I had nothing, Sanzo, no luck for months." His skin started to crawl; his eyes started to itch. "I had to bleed my own damned poison every night since we started this damned mission and for at least three months before that. By my count, that's a really fucking long time. More than nine months ago." He laughed bitterly, as Sanzo's hands shook against his skin, and concluded, "If I got this thing stuck in me before then, then I have no idea when it's comin' out, because it clearly ain't human." Gojyo sat up and got out of bed, turning away from Sanzo as he went to retrieve his clothes. He stopped, facing the wall, and found the bravery to add: "It's only been you." Sanzo sat up as well, his hands clenched into fists.

"Are you telling me I'm the fucking fath-"

"You're nothing you don't want to be, High Priest Sanzo." Gojyo glanced over his shoulder as all the coyness and cleverness fell out of his voice, watching the horror wipe Sanzo's features, and didn't even try to hide the tears streaking his cheeks as he pulled his pants up. He grunted as he tried to button them, and failed to make the waistband meet. Sanzo jumped from bed and grabbed Gojyo's shoulders.

"Don't talk to me like that!" Sanzo throttled the other man in his grip. Gojyo couldn't be surprised by his rage, but it made him laugh against his own foolish tears. He braced himself, waiting for Sanzo to hit him again. The pressure of Sanzo's tempest swallowed him. Now in the eye of the storm, Sanzo dropped his voice considerably- soft now, but more dangerous than ever. "I fathered that thing?!"

"It doesn't matter, does it?" Gojyo kept his voice low, but managed to look back into Sanzo's eyes. "You don't care about it, and I'm bound by our contract not to tell anyone I ever did anything with you. I'm a man of my word, ain't I?" Sanzo sharply inhaled, the gasp shaking in his throat, and Gojyo looked down again. "I just wanted a minute of warmth, Sanzo. It's all I wanted from you. I'll never ask you for anything again." Gojyo pushed Sanzo's hands off of him, but staggered into the rack with Sanzo's robe from the effort. He bounded back and moved towards the door. Sanzo stood still, his hands shaking, body stiff and eyes wide, as Gojyo pushed the door open. He turned back to Sanzo for a moment. "I'll leave you alone now. Don't wait up for me. I'll just... sleep in the hall." Sanzo remained in place, fists clenched, finally finding the strength to scowl at the door as Gojyo closed it. Gojyo leaned against the door for a moment, and slid a cigarette he'd nicked from Sanzo's robe out of his pocket into his mouth. He felt the blow through the wood behind him as Sanzo punched the door, and couldn't help but chuckle as Sanzo swore something indiscernible about his mother. He lit the cigarette, shoved one hand in his pocket, and strolled down the hallway to the stairwell, relaxing in the scent of the smoke.

He had gotten what he wanted, didn't he? Why wasn't he happy?

* * *

**(Suggested Track: "Don't Trust Me," 3OH!3)**

Gojyo emerged to the street, and began to make his way out into the twilit city. His pants were sitting at his waist only from his hands stuffed in his pockets and by the grace of the gods, but there wasn't anything he could do about it now. He didn't know where he was going, taking random turns through the narrow streets, looking for anything that might distract him from the tumult in his mind.

_He knows now. I told him straight. That's what he wanted, isn't it? Of course he's angry at me, he doesn't want me to be honest with him. What does he want? What did he want? What do I want now?_

He felt the last bit of warmth from Sanzo fade off of his chest, and felt the cold creep in around the humid night air. He sighed, stopping for a moment and feeling the swishing, drumming sensation of his own heartbeat.

_Nothing_. _Not anymore._

He let the cigarette dangle off his lower lip as he wandered down the dark streets, passing like a shadow between lamp lights, and twisted his hand up under the round of his middle.

The baby was still moving, and it was very active for whatever reason. He still wasn't used to the movements, and from the way it felt to him, it was very cramped even in his round belly. He realized his legs were tired, strained from the extra weight, and he leaned against a wall and folded his hands atop the bump. The baby had finally stopped, as suddenly as he'd started, and Gojyo sighed to himself.

"Stupid little bastard. If you hadn't started up, I could have been happy just a little longer." He ran his finger down one of the stretch marks that had formed, his finger tracing the groove. "The goddess must loathe me, or I must be dead. I feel like I'm in hell already." He hadn't realized, but he'd slid his legs out under him and started to sway his hips against the wall. The baby twitched back in response to the rocking motion, twisting around again. "I should'a known you were gonna get in the way. You're draggin' me down, kid. What am I gonna do with you?"

"Gojyo," a soft female voice spoke, and Gojyo looked up to see a familiar threesome before him. Dokugakuji, Yaone, and Kougaiji were before him, all staring at him, and he quickly straightened up and shoved his hands back in his pockets. He had no idea when they'd arrived, when they'd sneaked up and surrounded him, but god, did he hope they hadn't heard too much.

"The hell are you guys doin' here?" He looked at each of them in turn- the movement in his belly now overshadowed by the squirming in his stomach. Dokugakuji traded a glance with Kougaiji.

"I didn't want to believe it, but-" Kougaiji stopped when Dokugakuji put a hand on his chest, and Yaone stepped towards him.

"Come with us." She held her hand out. "We don't want to fight you."

Gojyo stared at the trio. Yaone looked like her pockets were full of tricks and traps, Dokugakuji's sword was slung across his shoulder, and Kougaiji didn't need a weapon at all. Gojyo was alone, unarmed, pregnant, and tired. He simply chuckled, and edged along the wall, eyes darting to find an escape. "Why do you wanna mess with me? I've got nothing you want. All I can offer you is my undying love and a couple dirty stories, and maybe not even the former." He grinned nervously, sidling along the wall towards the main street. Yaone blocked him, her posture shifting as her hand slid to her hip. "Look, this ain't even a fair fight. I'm alone. If we're gonna rumble over the sutra, let me at least go get them so we can have some goddamn fun with it-"

"We don't care about that." Kougaiji stepped forward and stretched one arm to block his path to the street, and leaned towards him. His face was close to Gojyo's, like Sanzo's had been, and Gojyo flattened himself against the wall. "You're my friend's little brother. We're not going to let his niece or nephew get hurt. It wouldn't at all be fair."

"Get away from me." Gojyo shoved Kougaiji back with the flat of his palm. "I don't want you to protect me." He pushed himself off the wall and took a step forward, drawing his shoulders up and back. "I don't need your pity!"

"It would be no fun to fight you if you're at a disadvantage. You're coming with us." As Kougaiji spoke, Dokugaku slid around to Gojyo's other side, and Gojyo summoned his shakujou.

"If you think I'm going down without a fight, you got another thing comin'!" Gojyo thrust the back blade at Doku, who jumped back and drew his sword. Yaone slipped her hands in her pockets and whipped them back out, surrounding Gojyo with what looked like cherry bombs. Gojyo wasn't going to stick around and find out, and he vaulted over them into the narrow alleyways. His heart was pounding, and his body was protesting the effort, legs aching, stomach twisting, head spinning, but the thrill of the chase felt so good. He could hear them behind them, Kougaiji shouting orders at the others.

"Doku, west, Yaone, east! He can't have gotten far!" He kept moving, but he heard footsteps behind him. Then, he realized it was also all around him- his own footsteps rang in his ear like the blood rushing through his head. _Since when did I walk this fucking loud?!_ He found another crossroads, three directions he could run, but heard a whistle behind him as he skidded to a halt and tried to catch his breath.

"He's this way! Hurry!" Yaone shouted from behind him, and he swore to himself and turned left. He saw a large shadow looming down that path, the blade in his hand looking ever bigger in the crooked streetlights, swore again and ran straight ahead. He had no idea where he was going, and the streets kept getting more and more narrow. Worse, a dull pain was starting to roar up from deep in his bowels, and he was feeling the strain.

_I can't fight them, I can't run forever- what the fuck am I gonna do?!_

He soon found his last option closed when the street dead-ended at a stone wall. He turned around, and saw Yaone close behind him, spear in hand. He tried to hide, but the light from the outer streets was too much. She smiled, a sympathetic look in her eyes.

"I don't want to hurt you."

"Same here." He kept his shakujou at the ready, and she didn't lower her spear. "Just let me go. That way, nobody gets hurt."

"I'm afraid I need to act in the interest of the baby." She moved closer, swinging the spear back.

"Then I need to act in the interest of me." He rushed forward, releasing the chain on the shakujou. She caught the chain on her spear and move into the opening, elbowing him in the breast. He wheezed, but shoved her back.

"Please stop!" She moved forward again, as he sidestepped and got back into a fighting stance. "I don't want to hurt you or the baby!"

"Bad news, sweetheart-" he punctuated this by rushing in, blade out. She caught him again and threw him back and shoved her hand into her side pocket. "It's a fight! Someone's gonna get hurt!" He swung the other blade around, but she caught the shaft on her arm and threw some sort of powder into his eyes. It stung and burned, and he began trying to rub it off. It only made it worse, and he staggered back, coughing and choking as he inhaled it.

"What..." He hacked, trying to spit it out. "The hell-"

"Table pepper." She caught her breath as he tried and failed to do the same. "It's relatively harmless." By the time he could look up again, she was joined by her male cohorts.

"Yeah," he coughed, and slumped to his knees. "Harmless."

Cornered, exhausted, and dizzy, Gojyo no longer had any defense when Doku and Kougaiji grabbed him and lifted him off the ground. The shakujou fell from his hand. Gojyo struggled to get loose, yelling hoarsely for help, as Yaone pulled out a length of rope and quickly tied Gojyo's wrists and ankles. One of his boots fell loose as he struggled, but he was tightly contained as Dokugakuji slung him over his shoulder. Gojyo grunted as his brother's shoulder pressed against his swollen middle.

"You're gonna be okay." He patted Gojyo's back, as Yaone wiped Gojyo's eyes and face clean with some chemical Gojyo couldn't place by smell. Kougaiji scoffed as Gojyo tried to turn his face away. "We'll make you comfortable, little bro. I'll stay with you as much as I can to keep you company, and we'll take care of the kid." Dokugakuji shifted Gojyo's weight against his chest, and Gojyo tried to be as much dead weight as he could. It was fruitless, as Kougaiji led them out of the alleys. It seemed he remembered the path they'd taken into the alleys, and soon they emerged onto the main street.

"Come on, bro, I don't wanna go, I just want to go back to my friends." Gojyo tried to struggle as they moved down the street towards Kougaiji's long-distance dragons.

"Don't worry about them. Don't you worry about anything anymore." Doku didn't make eye contact, coldly staring into the distance as he clamped Gojyo firmly to his shoulder. Gojyo looked over his shoulder. He could just see the sign for the inn the others were staying at, and his last bit of strength rose to his throat.

"Damn it all, if you ever gave a shit about anything, you'd help me now!" He screamed, not even knowing who he was screaming for, and tried to thrash against Dokugakuji, but Doku didn't even bat an eye.

"Yaone, can we chloroform him, or do you have a gag?"

"A gag will suffice, I think," Yaone replied, glancing between the brothers in worry. "I would make him unconscious, but it would probably harm the child." Yaone let Dokugakuji pass her, and he stopped, allowing Yaone to tie a rag around his mouth. Gojyo tried to bite through it, but it was no use. He whined and moaned through it, still trying to get loose, but Doku's grip was firm. Kougaiji scoffed quietly as he circled the two.

"Quit complaining. It'll make this a lot easier on all of us." Kougaiji mounted his dragon, as Gojyo tried to tell him _exactly_ what he thought of him and his mother through the gag. Doku set Gojyo side-saddle and Yaone helped him tie Gojyo's wrists to the saddle horn. Doku mounted behind him, and dug his heels in.

Gojyo watched the city fade behind them as the dragon rose in the air. _Well, I'm fucked. Last fucking thing I wanted tonight._ He felt himself go lightheaded, and he passed out as they ascended past the rooftops.

* * *

Hakkai and Goku waited for Sanzo and Gojyo the next morning at the same table as the previous night in the now emptied tavern. Each was looking around and scratching their heads with anxiety over the rice and eggs at their places; Goku because he wanted to eat and couldn't until everyone was there, and Hakkai because he didn't know how the night had gone between the warring parties. Sanzo entered and joined the other two, and glanced between them. Both looked at him expectantly, and he cocked his brow.

"Don't stare at me like that." He took up the newspaper at his place and flipped it open. "Where's the lecher?"

"If you mean Gojyo, then we should ask you the same question," Hakkai said, rising from the table. Sanzo flipped a page over, hiding the anger rising in his cheeks behind the newsprint.

"How should I know? I'm not his keeper."

"He slept in your room last night." Hakkai's fingers twitched, but he kept his voice calm. "You know he's been volatile, Sanzo." Sanzo scoffed softly.

"He's an adult, he doesn't need me to sit him." Sanzo put the paper down and tossed it aside. "He left. Said he was going out and that he'd sleep in the hall." Hakkai backed away from the table and turned towards the door, then whirled back on the others.

"Goku, come on. Gojyo's done something stupid."

"Alright! It wasn't me this time!" Goku quickly wolfed down a bowl of rice, as something seemed to hit Sanzo. His eyes widened with horror, and he rested his hand on his forehead in thought. Hakkai folded his arms and tapped his feet as he waited for Goku to finish.

"Sanzo, do you have something to say?" Hakkai's eyes were fierce, and Sanzo couldn't help but be slightly intimidated. He looked away from Hakkai before he spoke.

"Kougaiji's man, Dokugakuji, tried to take him away before, offered him 'help.'" He bowed his head. "Given the situation, Gojyo may have agreed to go with him if asked again."

"Gojyo would never accept help from an enemy, even if he needed it." Goku threw his chopsticks down and jumped to his feet. Hakkai grabbed his own hair, but Goku clenched his fists. "He's too hardheaded, and he's not that stupid!"

"Then he could have been taken against his will. He could have been taken before… if I hadn't intervened…" Sanzo's eyes were distant, and Hakkai's jaw fell slack in panic.

"You didn't tell me- why didn't you tell me?! Why didn't he tell me?!" Hakkai began to pace in place, then took a big gulp of coffee. "It doesn't matter! We're going to look for him. Now!" He grabbed Goku by the back of his cape and pulled him out the door. Sanzo followed, but dragged his feet, his head hung.

Goku was not stupid. Naive, maybe, but not stupid. He knew regret when he saw it. He knew what Sanzo's slumped posture, and the shell-shocked look in his eyes said: _"This is my fault. This is not what I wanted to happen. This is all my fault."_

* * *

**End Notes:** Love this week's suggested tracks, too, especially the Konoba cover. Good times. Those of you reading for the first time probably didn't see this one coming, but as I've said elsewhere, it wouldn't be any fun if things didn't go awry!

Chapter 6A in two weeks. Until then, don't forget to review!


	8. 6A: Crimson Nightmares, Clover Dreams

**King Rat: Deep Water**

**Author Notes:** See, now, chapter 6 is where the expansion really started, probably because I let so much potential slip in the original write. At one point in this, I literally got into editing the middle of a paragraph, and seventeen pages happened between two sentences. Chapter 6 has been split in two, but because the first part is this long and I have previously received complaints about the length of my chapters, I was tempted to split this part in two. I decided against it. So, strap in, 'cause it's a long one!

* * *

**6A: Crimson Nightmares, Clover Dreams**

"My, my, my." Kanzeon Bosatsu pushed a curling strand of hair behind hir ear, leaning over hir scrying pool. "My, my, my my my." Se tented her fingers for a moment as she thought, then dragged hir finger down the center of hir scrying pool, dividing it two ways. On one side, se could see the three Sanzo party members who remained together, running down a road se could only just make out. On the other, Gojyo was being dragged off the back of a dragon and into the dust, too weak and delirious to get to his own feet. "My, my, my." Se sighed and sat back in hir chair, then glanced over hir shoulder. "Jiroushin, I'm complaining over here. Would you do me the courtesy of listening?"

"A step ahead of you, milady." Jiroushin emerged from the portcullis with a tray in his hand. "Sorry, the water took a few minutes longer than usual to boil."

"Perhaps the air pressure is bad today. It seems an ill omen." Se took the teapot and hir cup. "Do sit, please." He took one of the empty chairs across from hir and set the tray on the table beside hir. "I do so rarely have company these days, do I?" Se cast her eyes over the two cups that remained empty.

"What's irking you so today? You seem fitful." Jiroushin poured his tea and hirs, his lips pursed as he considered his statement. Even in all his years of service to hir, he was unused to seeing hir as annoyed as he had since the Sanzo party began their pilgrimage- he shouldn't have had to ask.

"It's those silly boys again." Se gestured to the images in hir pool. Goku, Hakkai, and Sanzo were searching the narrow streets of a labyrinthine city on foot, though most of the effort came from the former two, while Gojyo had roused enough to stumble between Dokugakuji and Kougaiji. "They make my job so difficult. I have a promise to keep, and I will not fail my loyal subjects again." Se sighed again, deeper this time. "Days like this make me wish I had a pack of cigarettes."

"I imagine the stores are still open." Jiroushin smiled, his expression warm- he knew when his mistress needed comfort. He leaned forward, interested. "What did they do this time?"

"They let themselves be split. Again." Se gestured to Gojyo. "And at a time when they need each other more than ever. You know, I didn't _have_ to do it this way-"

"But it was more fun this way."

"But it was more fun- no." Kanzeon refused to let him be right in finishing hir sentence, as he hid a smirk behind his teacup. "They must all become closer as a group, a team- a family, you might say. Those two especially, considering my purposes." Se traced a line between Sanzo and Gojyo's heads in the water, enlarging their images. Even in the picture on Kanzeon Bosatsu's mind, static crackled between eyes that refused to meet. "For a moment there, I thought they'd finally overcome their doubts about one another, but I was wrong. I didn't realize how far they'd slipped. This little development just flies in the face of everything I've worked for!" Se slapped the water, and the images vanished. "Gojyo is in more trouble than he realizes, and Sanzo will lose the bonds he's built with his other companions unless he can get his act together."

"Perhaps you need to send a message," Jiroushin suggested, shrugging a noncommittal shoulder.

"What would be the point? Gojyo is, shall we say, somewhat locked down at the moment. There's little he can do about the situation right now." Se dragged hir fingernail across the surface of the water again. It rippled around the image of a dust-worn, dilapidated fortress as Kougaiji and Dokugakuji frog-marched Gojyo, who struggled and tried to wrest himself from their grasp, into the massive, awesome front doors with Yaone half a meter behind them. "And Sanzo- well, that hard head of his doesn't do me any favors."

"No, he doesn't listen to you." Jiroushin sipped his tea. Kanzeon seemed to remember that se had a cup, and dropped a sugar cube into it. "But he might listen if you give him a reason to."

"So he might." Kanzeon smiled, eyes alight- inspiration had struck. "And just because he doesn't listen to me doesn't mean he can't hear reason. I just need to find someone who can reason with him." Se turned back to hir scrying pool, forgetting hir tea again, and moved the image back to Sanzo. "I know your mind, Konzen. I can fix this. I must, after all- we all have promises to keep."

* * *

"Please don't do this." Gojyo shut his eyes tight. He had no idea when it had become dark, nor when he'd been strapped to a wooden board and stripped of his clothes, with nothing but a brick laid over him to cover his decency. He also did not know the name or face of the man wearing the horn-rimmed glasses that reflected moonlight from a high, narrow window in an otherwise nearly pitch-black room. He wore a ghastly, pale robe- a doctor? A priest?- and an eerie grin. Gojyo closed his eyes because he didn't want to see any more, but he couldn't cover his ears.

"But I must, as you say, _do this._"

_Don't. Whatever it is, don't._

"You see," the doctor continued, peeling a pair of gloves onto his hands, "I've never had a subject quite as unique as you." Gojyo grimaced and twisted against his bonds. "Ah, ah, ah, none of that." The doctor's rebuke was nearly sing-song, and Gojyo's stomach swam. The man with the shiny glasses circled behind him and tightened the leather straps, then tilted the board back, leaving Gojyo up at an angle and forcing some of his own weight onto his wrists and ankles.

"Lemme go, you freak! You're cuttin' off the circulation!" Gojyo leaned his head forward, ready to bite, but the man was already long out of his reach.

"All the better for you to just let it happen." His eerie smile widened, deepened by the shadows that obscured the rest of his face. "I must know exactly-" he tiptoed his knobby fingers up the curve of Gojyo's middle- "what is inside you. My curiosity will never be sated otherwise." This made Gojyo's lower lip quaver.

_A weak gesture- that's not you._

"It's a baby." Gojyo looked down at his own flesh, silently imagining its contents. "Y'know, a little person. Please don't hurt it-"

"Hurt? Never." The eerie smile hadn't flinched, but Gojyo could see the myriad tools reflected in his glasses, the scalpels and syringes, laid out neatly on paper on a tray somewhere below Gojyo's view. "But I'm so curious, you see. After all, you're one of a kind. You're rare." He fixed his gloves a little tighter, teeth gleaming as his smirk spread wider. "I will never see another like you- never another chance." Gojyo cringed, and the doctor laced his fingers behind his back and started to pace around the table. "So tell me, what do I do with something like that?" His gaze never moved from Gojyo, as much as Gojyo tried to twist himself away. His dainty steps echoed with a liquid splash with each footfall- the floor was wet-

_Blood? His? No. No-_

"Just put me back in the cell." Gojyo closed his eyes and lowered his chin, cowering and cringing as the doctor circled him. A vulture in white.

"Perhaps I could improve your baby!" The doctor whirled around and clapped his hands. "Yes, you're a half-and-half, how about a half-and-half baby? A little half-ostrich maybe." He gasped, and covered his mouth in mock eagerness- or was this genuine eagerness? "Ooh, or a shark! Why, I know of sharks that eat their way out of their mother! Won't that make giving birth so much easier?" Gojyo whimpered aloud, as the doctor vanished from his sight.

"I don't wanna die. I just wanna love my kid. Can't you see it- little bugger, all red hair and baby smiles- why would you wanna take that from me?"

_Red hair. Just like you._

"Who ever said anything about taking it?" The doctor was like a shadow in the dark, thought Gojyo could still feel his presence pricking the hairs on the back of his neck. "But it was never yours to begin with, was it?" Gojyo clenched his fists, until the doctor sprang up before him, scalpel in hand. "First things first! I must find out how and where you carry!"

"SANZO!" Gojyo cried out, and flattened himself against the board.

"Just hold still-" The knife neared, and Gojyo writhed back, but there was nowhere for him to go.

"Sanzo, god damn it, if you ever gave a shit about anything-" Gojyo squirmed in his own skin, praying as quickly as he could, all to no avail.

"But I don't." That wicked grin spread even further, more teeth than he could have ever imagined in a human mouth. Tears, hot and wet, escaped onto Gojyo's cheeks.

"S-Sanzo, please- wherever you are- help us! I p-promise-" Gojyo stammered as the knife traced his taut skin. "I won't complain. I won't make noise, never again-"

_But why?_

"I'll do anything!"

_Don't, don't say that-_

"I love it when a patient talks dirty." The man in glasses had a maddening gleam in his eyes, his twisted grin on a hollowed face finally apparent in the moonlight. "Say my name again!" His hand back- the blade rushing forth-

_"SANZO!"_

* * *

"Ukoku." Sanzo sprang awake, the name still on his lips. Hakkai glanced away from the sun-stained road to look at him.

"Hmm?" Sanzo couldn't answer Hakkai's unspoken question, only gazed out across the paddy of green rice that seemed to stretch beyond the horizon. He knew Hakkai wouldn't stop expecting an answer, and finally offered one.

"I... had an unusual dream." Hakkai tapped his fingers on the wheel, clearly expecting more. "... About someone I met many years ago." He continued to look away, mind distant. His chest ached with a dull throb. "But... why?"

"Why what?" Goku leaned forward, clearly putting his nose out to be whacked back, but Sanzo sat back in his seat and opened the newspaper.

"It's... not important."

The party had traveled on from the town where they'd lost Gojyo a week before, but not before thoroughly searching every nook and cranny of the city. Every bar, every card house, every house of ill repute had been checked and checked again. Lacking a picture, they had to describe him: "About yea high-" Hakkai held his palm at about the level of his own head. "Long, red hair, reddish eyes." He touched his cheek. "Two scars. Muscular figure, but somewhat overweight." This description got nothing but raised eyebrows and shaking heads. For two days of searching, it seemed he was just in the wind, or that he'd run, that he'd been taken away or simply abandoned them. "Until we ask him," Hakkai declared at Sanzo's suggestions to all of the above, "we won't know which."

At the end of the third day, they got their first solid clue- they spotted the shakujou on the table at a second-hand stall. Hakkai gasped like he'd stepped on glass and rushed for it. "This..." His breath rattled in his throat, eyes wide. He whipped his head up to glare at the middle-aged, balding man running the stall, an ugly look that Sanzo had never quite seen on his face before. He planted his fists on the table, and spoke in a tone completely opposite of his flat, pleasant, polite timbre. "You need to tell me exactly where you got this."

"Chill out, man- it was sold to me!" The shopkeeper protested, as Hakkai leaned in towards him.

"Gojyo would never sell it, you impudent-" Hakkai started, voice gravelly, his face turning crimson and his hand moving for the limiters on his ear, but Sanzo held a hand before him to halt him.

"This is a divine weapon." He glanced at Hakkai, and Goku came forward, held his wrist and started to pat his shoulder to calm him down. He turned back to the shopkeeper. "I should know." He picked the shakujou up. "If this is rightfully yours, you should be able to summon it to your hands."

"Hey, nobody told me about that-" The shopkeeper had a thin coat of sweat covering his face and head as all three of the Sanzo party fixated on him.

"Think of it, and it appears." Goku held his hand up, and his nyoibo appeared in his grip. "Now you try." He stared at the man, thin-lipped and unamused. Beads of sweat rolled down the unfortunate man's brow. He didn't even bother to hold up his hand.

"Okay, I found it in the trash."

"What trash?" Hakkai narrowed his eyes.

The shopkeeper abandoned his stall, with Hakkai and Goku grasping an arm each and Sanzo a few steps behind, to lead the trio into the back alleys behind the industrial part of the city, close to their inn. He gestured loosely to some trashcans. "It was there." Hakkai released him and kicked the cans over and started sifting through.

"When did you find it?" Sanzo asked into the man's ear. The man shuddered.

"Like two days ago. I don't know how long it was there, though." Just then, Hakkai cried out, and Sanzo and Goku both looked up. He was holding a familiar, though filthy boot.

"He was taken." Hakkai threw the shoe down and bent his head into his forearms. "How... how could he run away without shoes?"

"I swear to god, I had nothing to do with this!" The shopkeeper dropped to his knees. "I didn't take nobody, I didn't do anything like that-"

"Of course you didn't, you dunce!" Sanzo rolled his eyes, and Goku released the shopkeeper's arm. "You couldn't take a bone from a dog, let alone my bodyguard."

"It must have been Kougaiji's group." Hakkai wiped his hands on his pants, and then smeared them over his eyes. "He was disarmed and vulnerable..."

"Get out of my sight," Sanzo growled into the shopkeeper's ear, and he didn't have to think twice before scrambling away from the group. Sanzo stood back and watched Hakkai cry into his hands, as Goku crept in again to hug him.

It must have been too much for him, Sanzo reasoned, to lose two people so close to him to demon lords. The context was different, but the results were the same- a loved one with child out of his reach, away from the safety of his arms, and vulnerable to any kind of unimaginable, unthinkable harm. As such, he didn't care that Hakkai spent the next thirty minutes on his knees, weeping and trying to get his mind straight. He stood back, leaning against the wall and smoking cigarettes down to the filter one after the other, half-listening, half-watching as Goku tried to comfort him.

"He... he was finally starting to really, truly accept it." Hakkai sniffled and smeared his eyes on his hands. "He was even starting to say he was a father- he was Daddy. He was starting to be curious about the baby. Everything I've tried to build him towards- I've lost it."

"You know," Sanzo grumbled, and stubbed the last cigarette in his pack out on the wall. "They have a three day head start. Wherever they are, whatever they're doing, we will not find them if we sit here and bitch and moan the rest of our lives." Hakkai lowered his hands, as Goku turned a dirty look up at Sanzo.

"Be nice, willya?"

"No, Goku, this is his way of being nice." Hakkai got to his feet, legs quivering as the blood returned. "He's right. We will not find Gojyo here. We will have to seek him out elsewhere." He looked down at his satchel. "Hakuryu. We're moving on." Hakuryu chirruped and darted from his satchel, and Hakkai looked at the others. "He'll meet us at the inn. Sanzo, if it's alright with you, I'd like to move on tonight."

"Whatever. I just need a fresh pack of cigarettes."

They left that night and continued west. Goku had first wondered if perhaps they should go back east to look, but Hakkai countered, "We know our enemies are based in the West. We will find them out there, and Gojyo with them."

"Y'think they took him to that Houtou Castle place?" Goku wondered, but Hakkai shuddered- they had no idea how far away it was, but they knew they were nowhere close.

"Our best bet is to encounter them." Hakkai's knuckles turned white on the wheel. "If I could just talk to them, convince them that he'll be best off in our care- that's what you said he said, right, Sanzo?" His eyes darted to the shotgun seat. Sanzo nodded- he'd recounted his first confrontation with Dokugakuji at Hakkai's behest. "Yes. See, if he thinks I'm not taking care of him, I'll convince him. I'll convince him somehow."

"You're babbling," Sanzo grunted, and lit up a fresh cigarette.

"Right. Sorry." He forced a smile, but it was not the same as before- he couldn't communicate the facade to his eyes anymore. His hands shook as he drove on, and Sanzo could swear he felt an massive outpouring of chi energy from Hakkai's head and heart. He chose to say nothing of it.

The week had passed, with the fourth seat in the Jeep empty, and though Hakkai had only stopped for a few hours at a time and they'd surely traveled faster and further than they had in a week, they still were in the same place. They knew so precious little, there was no way they could know more, and the hollowness there- the not knowing and the lack of him- was the worst part.

Sanzo could not fill this hollowness with anything. He only had questions, but for him, it all came back to one thing: _I could have done something. I knew he was in danger, but I let him go out on his own. He may be a lech and an idiot, but he's carrying _someone's_ child_ _and I should have done something_.

He couldn't even fathom this instinct, and the nightmares only made it scream louder in his ear. _I could have done something. I could have done something. But- what can I do? It's not my responsibility- is it?_ He shook the thought off. _No. No, no, no. And... yet..._

Despite arguing himself back and forth, Sanzo always came to the conclusion that it was his fault, and he found himself unable to do anything. Therefore, that was what he did: nothing...

And the nightmares came back whenever he closed his eyes.

* * *

**(Suggested Track: "Aunt Betty," Middle Class Rut)**

The first moment Gojyo was led into the fortress was the moment he started planning his escape. He couldn't know for sure where he was, nor where he would run to, but he knew for sure he was going to run. He took in each detail as he was dragged past it- the mud-packed walls over stone bricks, the decrepit wood, the stone stairs he was lugged over as his bare foot hit against each one. Kougaiji was muttering something about how the fortress he belonged to a youkai warlord whose kingdom fell into ruin during the five centuries interceding his father's sealing, and so on, "blah, blah, blah," Gojyo couldn't really be bothered to care all that much. He was too busy counting windows and estimating how high of a jump it would be to the ground.

Dokugakuji was kind at first- a locked bedroom on the second floor with barred windows. It even had a bathroom attached, which Gojyo made use of promptly- he hadn't even realized he was nauseous until he'd been set back down on his own feet. "Yeah, you do that," Doku sighed as Gojyo hugged the chamber pot. "Hey- where the hell's your shoe?" Gojyo couldn't respond, mouth otherwise occupied. "Shit, you must'a lost it in the scuffle." He scratched the back of his head, but Gojyo felt a slight twist of hope somewhere in his turbulent gut- _Hakkai's gonna find that._ _Maybe he can do something with it._ "Look, I'll get you another pair- comfy ones. Looks like you need new clothes too- I think we got some downstairs."

_I don't want comfy shoes. I don't want new clothes. I want the fuck out of here._

Those words came out as a garbled 'Mmrph,' as Gojyo finished emptying his stomach out. Doku leaned on the doorjamb, and approached as Gojyo started to try and get to his feet. "Yaone said she was gonna make you some medicine, just for you. Something that'll help the nausea and shit." He offered Gojyo a hand, but Gojyo pushed him back. "Come on, bro, you're not making this any easier on yourself." Doku extended his hand, but Gojyo staggered past him and collapsed on his side on the bed.

"Just let me rest, asshole." He closed his eyes and buried his nose in the pillow. It smelled like sunlight and soap- _kinda familiar._ Dokugakuji folded his arms, looking rather hurt.

"Right, you're prob'ly tired. I'll be back with some food- baby ain't gonna grow if you don't eat." He left, eyes lowered, and Gojyo heard the lock click in the door. He rolled onto his back, grunting as the pressure shifted onto his spine, but held his hand straight out above him.

"Wonder how far away it works," he muttered, and focused on his shakujou. He could almost feel it in his hands, but it didn't appear, as if something were holding it back. "There must be some sorta barrier, or maybe it's just too far." He dropped his hand to his side, rested his other hand over his navel, and took a deep breath.

The bed was comfortable under his sore back. The morning sun through the window felt nice on his face. He wouldn't have to worry about anything in here- no traveling, no wake-up calls, no grouchy monk, no clingy monkey, and his brother's help in caring for the baby. Anyone else in his situation would have happily accepted the hand held out to him, but he couldn't help but imagine the puppet strings dangling behind it.

_The second the kid's born, they're gonna take this favor out on me. _He clenched the hand at his side into a tight fist. _Nope. Take nothing I don't need, eat nothing but what'll keep me from starving, and get the fuck out. I don't belong here- I gotta get back to my friends. _He patted his middle. "Sorry, kiddo. Daddy's gotta be selfish again."

Gojyo checked the windows first. He had heard Kougaiji mention that the youkai warlord was active five centuries ago. "That's gotta be, like, a thousand years, right?" He scratched his head. "They gotta be loose." He tested the bars with a shake- they rattled in the foundation. He smirked- Plan A was a go. He spit in his palms and started to work at the one that felt the loosest with both hands.

He persevered for over an hour, tireless, mindlessly focused on his task. He could hear the stone grinding and wearing away, until the bar popped out, taking a chunk of stone with it. "Yes! Now-"

"Try it." Gojyo froze, when he heard Dokugakuji's voice at the door. He turned, cringing, as Dokugakuji glared at him with his eyebrow raised. "But you ain't gonna fit." Gojyo silently sized up the gap and compared it to his wider figure.

"I would'a fit four months ago." He shuffled back to the bed and sat down, as Dokugakuji laid down a set of clean clothes, a plain, oversized tunic and a pair of black linen pants with a very large waistline and a drawstring.

"Whatever you say. Here, you want something that fits?" He flung the shirt towards Gojyo.

Dokugakuji said nothing more of this escape attempt through the rest of the day, but he didn't leave Gojyo alone, either. He folded his arms and stared as Gojyo changed, and Gojyo could almost feel his eyes tracing his figure. Doku had brought books as well, and he shoved one into Gojyo's hand once Gojyo was dressed. He then folded his arms and leaned against the wall, staring, affixed, as Gojyo flipped through the pages. He was only half-interested in the book- he recognized it as one similar to what Hakkai had, with a week-by-week breakdown of fetal development- and read the same few pages over and over. Still thinking, and waiting.

Dokugakuji left when Yaone called from somewhere else in the castle, asking for help with something. Gojyo threw his book aside the second he left and went back to rattling the bars on the window, hoping to get another one loose, but to no avail. He heard Doku returning (with a plate of some not-terrible stir fry), and didn't get caught at it, but Doku didn't leave that time until Gojyo had fallen asleep, sitting up on the bed with the book folded over in his lap.

When he woke, he felt the familiar urge to be ill, worse than the day before. He rushed past Doku, who was standing by the window with a bucket hooked in the crook of one arm and a spade in his hand, in his mad dash to the bathroom. He didn't have a chance to see what Doku was doing, and he almost forgot about it completely as his guts turned themselves inside out. He only realized when he was wiping his mouth that he'd been screwed. Sure enough, Doku and his bucket were gone, and the remaining window bars had been reinforced with concrete. Gojyo tried to dig it out, but it was no use- "He must have worked on it while I was sleeping." The concrete was solid, the bars were sturdy, and Plan A was down.

Plan B was the door- his theory that the castle was a little bit shaky seemed sound, and busting the door was probably safer than jumping out of the window anyway. 'No lock can hold my awesomeness,' he decided, and examined the door's lock. While certainly not five centuries old, it was definitely very old, rusty, and Gojyo could hear the gears clicking out of sync when he turned the handle. He leaned against the wall, letting his weight settle, and started to repeatedly jiggle the handle. He switched hands as they tired, but kept his ear to the wall for any sign of danger. He would stop the second he heard any noise that even remotely sounded like Doku or Yaone approaching and shift positions to elsewhere in the room, half-assing some of the exercises suggested in the book Doku had given him (as he quickly discovered trying them in earnest only served to make him nauseous again.) Once they left, Gojyo would wait two minutes, numbering the seconds, then start working on the lock again. After three hours of working at it on and off, he heard the mechanism start to creak, so he shook it harder and harder, waiting for it to break. However, it didn't, or wouldn't, and Gojyo had to stop again when Dokugakuji arrived with a tray of lunch- simple steamed vegetables and some chicken with chestnuts. It was a lot less flavorful than the last night's meal, and Gojyo figured that they were hoping something basic would be easier on his system. They were wrong.

Gojyo spent the hour after lunch sick. He couldn't find words to complain, but he knew- _it ain't been this bad since before Hakkai started fixing me._ He didn't even know where it was coming from after a while, but it was clear, thin, and smelled bitter. _That's prob'ly a bad sign. I think I just negative-digested, and I don't even know if that's a thing._ He managed to get to his feet and wipe his mouth, holding his middle. _All the more reason I gotta get the fuck out of here._ When he returned to the door to start jiggling the lock again, he noticed a bright silver bar through the gap at the top of the door- while he'd been busy, Doku had installed a shiny new padlock. "That son of a bitch noticed the lock was loose."

The door was not a lost cause just yet, though- while the side of the door with the lock was sturdy, the hinges had started to come loose. "Break the door" was plan C- "One good shove, those hinges will just fuckin' fly off!" Gojyo grinned and cracked his knuckles. Despite his gusto, this, he knew, would be a delicate operation- Doku was going to hear it when he started, so he was going to have to play this carefully and do it all in one big blow. Running on an empty stomach sounded like a bad idea on the surface- he didn't know how long he would have to run before finding anyone else, a town, a city, other people of any sort, and even then he'd be dependent on their kindness for anything he got until he was either found by his friends or he found them. However, there was also the matter of his stomach's tendency to empty itself. Even thinking about food was making his innards twist in rebellion. He weighed it for a while.

_Yeah, starving sounds a lot worse than throwing up._ He resolved to wait until at least dinner, and began to go through his options, folding his legs under him on his bed and leaning back against the wall. _Well, we can't be too far from anything. I mean, they've got food and stuff, they must be getting it somewhere- except they can move pretty quick with their dragons and shit. I mean, hell, they were catching us right after we left, but they can still get back to home base and we've been driving for more than a year. But how far out can we be?_ He set his hands under his middle- he'd found they'd ended up there often in the past two days- and took a deep, calming breath. "We're gonna make it. Somehow, we're gonna make it."

Doku gave him dinner- plain white rice and steamed chicken, no sauce, and abysmally dull- and left him alone. His stomach growled angrily back at him as it tried to digest, but it stayed down, and he waited. He listened to the wind outside for a while, but could hear no animals or even cicadas. _Must be nothin' out there- maybe there's nothin' out there for miles._ Still, he had no choice but to try and leave- the soft echoes of footsteps from below were reminder enough of that. The sun went down, the moon emerged over the sandy, cracked ground, and Gojyo watched it rise. Even though he'd spent most of the day motionless, he was already tired- _guess bein' sick takes it out of me. _He forced his eyelids open, waiting until he couldn't hear the noise below anymore, then got to his feet. His legs quaked as the blood rushed back to him, and the skin of his belly felt cold when his hands fell to his sides. "Don't worry, kid, I'll... I'll hug you when we get outside."

He steeled himself and faced the door, taking a few deep breaths, and clenched his fist. "Here goes nothin'!" He wound his elbow back and punched the door as hard as he could. The wood splintered with a nasty crunch, and Gojyo took stance and punched again, not caring about the slivers of wood digging into his knuckles. The hinges were holding, but Gojyo hadn't accounted for the termite -infested lumber and took it as a lucky boon- all that mattered was that the door broke. On the third hit, the door split in half, dangling lamely on the hinges and the lock. Gojyo barely had time for a celebratory whoop and fist pump before shoving his way out. He could hear Dokugakiji and Kougaiji yelling something from somewhere below him, but he didn't care. He dashed back down the hall, down the stairs. He yanked the door open, and was out into the moonlight.

Gojyo ran as fast as his legs could carry him, but he made it less than a half-kilometer before his legs turned to jelly from the knees down. He stumbled and fell, and his abdomen rebelled as he hit the ground, shaking as he caught himself on his hands. The pain rushed up through him in waves, his every muscle trembling from the adrenaline rush, and his barely-settled stomach now turned itself out. _Get up, run! _He screamed it over and over at himself in his mind, not even sure who he was talking to, but trying to force through the retching back to his feet, trying to get air back into his lungs. He could hear shouting behind him, could hear them approaching. _We can do this- we have to get out! If we don't, then you won't-_ A rag was placed over his nose, and he was conscious just long enough to register that he had collapsed into his own sick.

He woke next in a cell, on a plain, sagging cot. Iron bars surrounded him on three sides, a window no wider than his head sat just a few centimeters from the ceiling, and the only other furnishings in the room were a very small table next to the cot, a basin and a hole in the ground. He had sense enough to tumble off the cot towards the hole to empty his stomach again, the very force of it driving tears to his dry eyes. He was still dizzy from the chloroform, but he could smell the blood coming from his mouth and nose. He also had enough sense to hear what Dokugakuji was saying from the other side of the cell wall: "You try to escape like a prisoner, we're gonna treat you like one."

"What-" Gojyo spat into the hole. "What was I before?" He managed to look up through his tears. "A guest? Fuck you, I can't do this!" He swiped lamely at air. "If you keep me in this fucking box away from my friends, I'm gonna die!" His body shook- the baby squirmed inside of him. "Son of a bitch- I'm gonna die in here!" He got to his feet and managed to rush for the bars. "I don't want to die!"

"Then calm down, take your medicine, and do what you're told." Dokugakuji stormed off, unable to look Gojyo in the eyes.

"Fuck you, that's worse than death!" Gojyo slammed his fist on the bars and stomped his feet. "Fuck you! Fuck you! I'm gonna die and it's all your fault!" He screamed, his lungs aching, his throat sore, his whole body wracked with pain.

But it didn't matter. Doku wouldn't listen, and Gojyo no longer saw a cell, but a tomb.

* * *

Gojyo tried to do the same as he had before- he looked over every part of the cell for some way he could possibly get out. However, this was much more of a challenge than escaping the bedroom had been. The bars were clean and sturdy, the lock free of rust and wear, as though it had just been installed. The cell door only opened when Doku came with meals, or when Yaone appeared with her medicine bag. He could see her palming a rag that was probably soaked with chloroform, but he could tell from the pity in her eyes that she didn't want to use it. Dokugakuji locked the cell behind her as she unrolled her medicine bag on the cot in front of him.

"I hear you've been a little under the weather. I'm sorry this took me so long- I was trying to account for your testosterone." She selected a few packed pills, and offered a cheerful smile. "That's probably all it is- the boosted estrogen levels."

"I don't even know what that is," Gojyo grunted, and folded his legs and arms as close as he could.

"Of course- it's probably a little over your head." He scowled, glaring at her over his folded arms. She didn't seem to notice, and instead held out a handful of medicine, pointing at each one in turn. "Here- this one's for nausea, and this will help the muscle aches- you must have lots of growing pains!- and this one's just a multivitamin- you need lots of folate-"

"Not interested." He looked away. Her eyes softened, her smile faded.

"I want to help you."

"For real?" He smirked, eyes crinkling at the edges- he knew he wouldn't get anywhere, but if nothing else, he could try and have some fun. "Then let me out."

"I... I can't do that." She shrunk back from him, staring at her knees. "Please take your medicine- I worked so hard- it's for the baby-"

"Like you give a shit." She outright whimpered at this, and a new shadow darkened the hall.

"If you won't treat her with respect," Kougaiji growled as he strode down the hall, hands stuffed in his pockets. "Then she won't give you a thing." He opened the cell and rested his hand on her shoulder. She looked up at him, shocked.

"Lord Kougaiji-"

"Pathetic." Gojyo glanced at the open cell door, but Kougaiji followed his line of sight and scowled.

"Don't even think about it." He kept his hands firm on either side of Yaone's neck, and she let her head lean against his arm. His voice was eeriely serene. "I don't want to hurt you, but I told Doku I would do everything in my power to keep his unborn niece or nephew safe. I can break your legs without breaking that promise." He straightened up, and Yaone's head tilted to the side before she could catch herself. "Don't make me do that." He exited the cell, locked it behind him, and waited, leaning against the bars and glaring at the wall across from him. Gojyo scoffed, and ground his teeth together.

"I never asked for any of your help- not yours, not hers, not his-" He splayed his hand towards Dokugakuji- "None of you!" He groaned as the pain rolled across him. "Just... fuck off. All of you, fuck off."

"Please, at least take this one." Yaone put the nausea pill down in front of Gojyo's foot. "You need to eat, and you haven't kept a meal down since you got here."

"So I starve. Whatever." He kicked the medicine off the bed and onto the floor. "I'm going to die anyway. What's the point of trying?"

"Let's go, Yaone." Dokugakuji went to open the cell. "He'll eat when he's hungry." Yaone chewed her lower lip, then got to her feet. Gojyo glanced at the door, but he could still see the rag in her side pocket. He put his head in his arms, and shut his eyes tight.

He wasn't sure which would be worse- starving to death, or dying of loneliness. He resolved to find out.

* * *

The nightmares had continued, every night, every time Sanzo closed his eyes, for three weeks now. The Jeep's fourth seat had been empty for the same amount of time, and the hole was starting to affect all of them the same as a bullet hole might- a slow wound, hemorrhaging slowly, but surely draining them dry.

Goku would complain loudly about how bored he was until Sanzo would beat him with the fan, which quieted him for perhaps a half-hour, but it never stuck. Hakkai hadn't smiled- not his real smile, at least- since they'd last seen Gojyo, and Sanzo could feel the energy pouring out of him. He couldn't be sure what it was, but Hakkai always seemed weaker than he should have been at the end of the day. Sanzo wondered at them, surprised that they let it affect them so much, but both Hakkai and Goku had noticed the deep blue rings forming under Sanzo's eyes. He hadn't told them of the nightmares, and they only got worse and worse.

Even blinking was enough sometimes. He would close his eyes, but on his eyelids he could see the image of two unmarked graves in thin, sandy dirt- one big, one so, so small. He tried not to sleep when they stopped to rest, whether at an inn or when camping. He would sit away from the other two in their sleeping bags, or by the window of whatever room he was in, chain-smoking and digging his elbow into his thighs. It was always to no avail- his head would tilt and nod, he would sleep, he would dream, and the nightmares came back.

Sometimes, he would see Ukoku torturing Gojyo with clamps on his nipples and hot candle wax poured onto his skin. Sometimes, he would skewer Gojyo with long, thin needles, laughing madly as blood seeped from pierced fingers and toes. Nightmares of Ukoku threatening to "operate" on Gojyo and the baby inside him were common. Sometimes, he would see Dokugakuji digging a grave, with Ukoku standing behind him wearing a wicked smirk. A crimson moon glowered down every time, painting the ground in rust and blood. He wasn't sure when or how his memories of Ukoku had gotten so twisted, but that maddened smile didn't look out of place on his face, a smile that kept his sleep restless.

A July thunderstorm was the only relief Sanzo could imagine. Hakkai had seen the clouds roll in, could feel the oncoming pressure, and made tracks. Their map said the nearest town was another two days' travel away, but they found a farmer that was willing to give them shelter in his barn for the evening. The storm hit shortly after sundown, thundering against the thin roof, the wind rustling against the hay and rattling the tools hung on the wall. Goku and Hakkai settled their sleeping bags on top of the hay drying on the floor, while Sanzo ascended to the loft and sat on a bale of hay beside the window overlooking the fields. He pushed the shutters open, but there was no barrier between him and the outside. He shoved the bale a meter away, pulled out a cigarette, and-

"This is what you do when you're in a sour mood?" He jumped when he heard Ukoku's voice, and looked around. He was not there- how could he be?- and Sanzo lit his cigarette. He listened to the rain pouring down, watching it slough off the rattling tin roof in sheets. He sighed, folded his leg, and leaned back against the splintering wall beside the window. The rain made his soul twitch and stir, the noise rousing his memories.

Then, Ukoku spoke again: "You really just want to wallow in your pain?" Sanzo dropped his cigarette, but stamped it out before it could touch the hay. Ukoku tittered under his breath, and his voice was at Sanzo's ear. "That's your problem, Genjo- you never just deal with it." Sanzo swung his fist back beside his head, but whiffed only air. He looked around a few times, but there was nothing in the loft but him, the hay, and a few rusty pitchforks. Sanzo rubbed his hands over his eyes, and took out another cigarette.

Even if he couldn't sleep, the nightmares still crept in around the corners of his eyes and ears. He moved from the window, away from the rain, but heard a new sound. He looked down at the lower level, and saw Hakkai out of his sleeping bag, leaning against the wall with his face in one hand. His back shuddered, and Sanzo could hear his uneven breathing as he sobbed into his palm.

"Yeah," Ukoku whispered behind Sanzo. "Deal with it. Like he's dealing with it." Sanzo balled his fists tight and looked away, his chest taut like a drum. He sat against the bale of hay, and finally completed the motion of retrieving and lighting a cigarette. The rain soaked the ground outside of the window, Hakkai's tears soaked his sleeve in the barn below, and Sanzo found he could not block out either one. He covered his eyes with his hands, tilting his head back and rubbing the circles under his eyes.

"It's bad enough I can't sleep anyway." He kept his voice quiet- loud enough that he could hear it, loud enough that he could block out anything else Ukoku might say, quiet enough that Hakkai would not know he was awake. "I have to have nightmares even when I'm awake?"

Sanzo sat there the whole night, listening to the rain surrounding him and Hakkai below. It wasn't until near dawn that both stopped, and Sanzo fell out into dreams. The nightmare was short, but it was enough:

A crimson moon shone over a field of bones, sprouting from the ground like crooked bamboo and rising into the sky to what looked like eternity. The ground was painted all red and gray, the sky an orange-pink. A small child of indeterminate sex, wearing the white shift of a ghost and long red hair, wandered between the cracked bones, staring at the ground. Tears streamed down his face, his hands fidgeted in front of him, his lower lip was cracked from chewing, and his little feet stumbled over the lumpy, uneven ground. Sanzo could feel his arm reaching out for the child as he neared consciousness- and the child turned and looked at him, red eyes wide with shock, mouth open: _"You know I'm here?"_

Sanzo woke with a start, just as Hakkai had clambered up the ladder to find him. He smiled as he got to the landing. "I see you've had a restless night." Sanzo didn't give him the dignity of a reply, but pushed himself to a stand and started to pull his robe up over his shoulders. Hakkai giggled, and folded one arm across his chest and adjusted his monocle. "Won't you at least come have some breakfast? The farmer's wife brought some steamed dumplings. They smell wonderful." Sanzo met his eyes and nodded, but did not mention that he could still see the telltale swelling under Hakkai's eyes. He turned and briskly descended the ladder down to the hay-strewn floor below, leaving Sanzo to his devices.

Sanzo could still hear Ukoku laughing at him from somewhere, but he could no longer be sure if it was his imagination or just another nightmare coming to life. _After all_, he realized,_ Hakkai is already living a nightmare. Why shouldn't I suffer the same?_

* * *

After four weeks in captivity, Gojyo still hadn't shaken on his resolve: _Take nothing._ Yaone offered the medicine every day, but he didn't accept it. He only wore the clothes Dokugakuji brought him because Doku and Kougaiji didn't stare at him quite as disdainfully when he wasn't naked, and because he didn't have to look at his own body when it was covered. He took nothing but food, but his own pride was wearing him down.

Without the medicine, nausea and pain were a constant. He was sore from the tips of his toes to his breastbone, and his head ached from exhaustion. He couldn't eat anything with any flavor, reducing him to plain rice or mushed grain, and even that didn't always stick. He could consistently drink rice water, which was probably the most nutrition he was keeping down. The trouble was that his captors knew this too, which was why whenever Doku delivered his meals, he had to check through it first for pills tucked in the rice. He could just hear them talking down the hall while he did so, settled on his creaking cot with one foot on a bar to prop his knee up, looking as casual as he could but often straining his ears to listen:

"He's lost half a kilo. Easy." Doku glanced over his shoulder a few times. "Maybe more. He should not be losing weight."

"I don't see how you can tell," Kougaiji observed, his back flat to the wall and his legs propped out in front of him, arms tight across his chest. "He's still a grotesque of a human form."

"His arms and face are thin." Yaone nudged Kougaiji's arm. "Please don't be so cruel- it's a normal form for a woman expecting- he can't help it." Kougaiji rolled his eyes.

"Well, Doku, he's your prisoner. What do we do?"

"Yaone, I'm asking you as a friend-" He turned and put his hand on her shoulder. "Force the medicine."

"I won't." She folded her hands in front of her thighs and lowered her head. "Don't you want him to do it of his own free will? He'll never be happy with you if you force it."

"I don't think he's ever going to be happy with us." Kougaiji tossed a flippant hand in the air and turned away. "Do what you want, but let me say that I won't let him die- not when there are two lives on the line. I'll shove the medicine into him myself if he can't hold himself together without it."

"Thanks, Kou." Gojyo couldn't tell if Doku was being sarcastic or sincere as he stared at the floor, his voice low- he sounded more dejected than anything else.

_Tough shit. You wanna lock me up, you have to deal with it. _His stomach gurgled, reminding him that he had his own trouble to deal with.

His arms, face, and legs were more thin than before; he could feel it, he could see it in his reflection in the wash basin, his muscles were atrophying away. He had tried to exercise, but he couldn't- push-ups and crunches just weren't happening, and even when he tried little things like stretches, he felt faint, dizzy, and nauseous. He could pace in his little cell for a few minutes at a time at best, but spent the rest of the time laying down or curled up on the sagging cot. It didn't help that he was exhausted all the time, both from the lack of sleep and the lack of sustenance. The lack of exercise was one thing, but the food was the real trouble. He was starving, slowly but surely.

His only entertainment were the books Doku brought him, but at this point, he'd read all of them at least twice. He was sick of the section on "diet" and "complications," and he'd memorized the side effects of malnourishment.

"Spina bifida." He was laying flat on his back, staring at the ceiling and tracing a shadow that had formed down his middle. "Skeletal development issues. Neural tube defects. Predisposition to diabetes." He'd looked up what each of these things meant, and they all terrified him. "Delayed growth. Cretinism. Underdeveloped organs. Preterm birth. Low birth weight. Stillbirth." He laid his hand flat. He could still feel the baby moving sometimes, but not nearly as much as before.

"Y-you know-" He didn't look up, but Yaone entered all the same, her medicine pack under her arm and a plate of rice in the other. "You forgot all the risks to the mother."

"Doesn't matter." Gojyo sat up and took the rice. She sighed and hung her head, then sat down on the floor in front of him.

"Is the baby active at all?"

"Yeah, a little." He took a mouthful of rice, and she opened her pack.

"I have your medicine again, if you're ready to take it." She held out five pills now- she'd increased the amount of vitamins she'd been offering him. "You can think of them as food, if you'd like."

"We're gonna do this again?" He cocked his brow, and she lowered her head.

Despite rejecting the medicine, Gojyo had found an unlikely ally in Yaone, though perhaps ally was the wrong word. Since she'd sit with him for what felt like hours trying to convince him to take the pills, they ended up talking about other things. It was one of the few other distractions he could manage.

"But it's good that the baby is still active. Means he or she is still alive." She looked up with a little smile. "Have you thought about whether you want a boy or a girl?" He swallowed hard, insistent against his gag reflex, and tried to ignore the spasms in his stomach.

"I'unno." He winced when he felt a pinch in his gut, but swallowed again. "Well, I guess a boy'd be easier." He smirked and relaxed against the wall, and hung his legs over the edge of the cot. "Teach him to flirt with all the fine ladies and pump iron, just like his dad."

"What if it's a girl?" Yaone giggled.

"That'd be hard." He ate another bite, talking with his mouth full. "Have to teach manners, and how to be ladylike, and not to fall in love with a jackass like me."

"I guess that would be harder." Yaone cocked her head in thought. "Especially without a mother in the picture."

"Yeah, I guess. But boys are easier anyway." He gestured to her with his chopsticks. "See, girls are complex. Guys are easy. I mean, we'd have matching parts, so potty training would be a breeze. And if it's a boy, and he's anything like me, he'll be kinda dumb, so I can lie to him." Gojyo smirked, and Yaone laughed again.

"That's not right and you know it!" The two shared a quick laugh, and Gojyo continued to eat. She slid her hand down towards her pack again. "You know, I really do only want what's best for you and the baby."

"Don't bullshit me." She winced, as he put the empty plate aside and hoisted his legs back up onto the bed. He worked himself into a prone position, fluffing the thin pillow under his head. "If you were bein' honest, you'd have to let me go." He rolled over onto his left side, facing the wall. "Hakkai had all this shit under control."

"I could control it if you'd let me!" Yaone sounded distinctly hurt at this- as if he'd directly disparaged her work. He groaned- he hated making ladies cry, and Yaone cried easy.

"I ain't gonna owe you no favors. Nothin' personal, darlin', but I'd be healthier if you'd just left me where I was."

"But this is no strings attached." She sat on her knees, leaning closer to him. "We won't ask you to pay us or anything, we only want you to stay here and rest until you give birth-"

"An' I'm supposed to believe you'll just let me and the kid go when this is all over?" He tilted his head up towards her. This gave Yaone pause.

"Doku..." She looked away, but continued. "Doku said you'd be living with him now."

"Oh, yeah, he totally checked to see if that was okay with me." Gojyo clicked his tongue, and flipped back onto his back. "And he lives at whatever-it-is castle under Kougaiji's thumb, right?" He shrugged, hands in the air. "Hate to break it to ya, but I ain't swearin' no oath to that jackass, and I ain't gonna fight on your side. Nothin' you can do will convince me of that. What then?"

Yaone was quiet for a long minute, tapping her fingernails on the stone floor. "Then I suppose you'll remain a prisoner, since it makes no sense for us to release someone who will do us harm. And... Dokugakuji would never let his niece or nephew grow up in a cell."

"So you'll take my kid and leave me to rot." Gojyo smirked- he felt like he'd gotten through to her. "What more could I ask for?" Yaone lowered her head, and Gojyo rolled his eyes. "Yeah, thanks but no thanks on your no-strings-attached help."

"At least the medicine." She put the pills forward again, setting them on the little table next to his empty plate. "That poor baby- you know what will happen."

"And it'll be all his fault." Gojyo pounded his fist against the cot.

"No, it won't!" Yaone's voice broke, and she got to her feet. "It's because you're so hardheaded and selfish and stupid! You can't even accept help when it's right in front of your face! I could have refused Kougaiji's help when I was enslaved, but I would have died too! The same would have happened to your brother! All of us just want to help you!"

"After trying to kill me and my friends on more than one occasion? How can you think I'd take that straight?" Gojyo felt like spitting, but his stomach was already churning.

"Accept a hand when you're on your knees!" Yaone stomped her feet, her shrill voice echoing off the walls. "You can't just think of you and what you want- do you think that baby will be happy like this?!"

"I think we'll both be in shallow graves in a few months. I'll die, he'll die with me. So it doesn't matter." He pressed his head back into the pillow. "You're just making yourself upset. Go away."

"Fine!" She stormed out, slamming the lock back into place behind her. Gojyo smirked again, and lifted his head.

"And tell your asshole boss I can smell him from here! His mama ain't here to wipe his ass, he better learn to do it himself!"

"Shut up!" Yaone squeaked, arching her back, then pivoted on her heel and rushed off, cheeks pink with incense. He chuckled, and turned back towards the wall.

"You hear that, kiddo? Your Dad can still make women scream." He still felt guilty, but he had to remember that she was the enemy, she was his captor. Besides, he knew she was just going to run back to Kougaiji and Doku and tell them everything. She wasn't his ally- she was an informant, but at least she kept his mind off the heartburn for a minute. He was already resigned to his fate- he could only hope it would just be a little more painless.

* * *

"I'm bored." Goku sighed deeply and dug his chin into the back of the seat. Sanzo couldn't count how many times he'd heard Goku say this exact same thing over the past six weeks. He and Goku were waiting for Hakkai, parked under a blue sky and a coffee shop sign near a marketplace in the little town they'd rolled into that day, as neither had felt like going shopping with him. He'd said to stay there, and that he would return within the hour. Now, it had been two hours, and Sanzo was starting to agree with Goku.

"What do you want me to do about it?" He fanned himself, and glowered at the sky. August was bearing oppressively down on them now, and Sanzo was swimming in his own sweat. It wasn't just the heat, though- his continued lack of sleep was taking a toll on his body. Aches and pains came easily: pins and needles in his thighs and arms, soreness behind his eyes, and a constant sheen of sweat across his skin. The nightmares had escalated more and more, and his waking hallucinations had continued for more than two weeks. Even as he paced beside the Jeep, he was wary of anything that looked out of place, bracing himself so he wouldn't jump when it next happened.

"I want some fun money." Goku turned around in the seat, peeling his stuck skin off the upholstery. "Can I have some money to go get something?"

"Here." He tossed the gold card over his shoulder to Goku. Goku whooped and jumped from the Jeep, but Sanzo whirled on his heel as he remembered what a bad idea this was. "But no food. Hakkai's buying that. You will buy one or two small-" He pinched his fingers close together. "Small items. No more than 200 yuan. If it's anything more than that, I will march you right back in there and we will return everything."

"Fine, fine, killjoy." Goku stuck his tongue out at Sanzo. "I'll be back!" He bounded off into the market, and Sanzo grunted under his breath and glanced up at the sun, wondering when it had traveled quite so far into the western sky.

It usually did not take Hakkai quite this long to finish shopping. Sanzo would not say he was worrying, but he had become conscious of Hakkai's weeping bouts. He had, several times, caught Hakkai moving himself away from the others and putting his head in his hands when he thought they weren't looking. Even Goku had caught him, and, horrified, pulled Sanzo away from the Jeep into some nearby trees and told him about it:

"He was bawling his eyes out!" Goku had exhorted, throwing his hands out in frustration. "He wouldn't tell me what was wrong, either- he said it was nothing, and don't worry, but how can we not?!"

"We just don't," Sanzo had insisted to Goku at the time, and turned back towards the Jeep, where Hakkai waited for them, staring blankly across the road before them. "If he wants us involved, he'll tell us."

Sanzo had tried to ignore it, but now it made its way back into his mind. He looked at the Jeep. "Where is your master?" Hakuryu purred sadly- he must have been worried too. Sanzo quickly took stock of the area where they'd parked, made a mental note of the coffee shop sign hanging over his head, shaped like a mug. "Let's go look for him. Come with me." Hakuryu transformed back into his dragon form and perched on Sanzo's head. Sanzo promptly pried him off, feeling the little claws stick in his skin. "On my shoulder or on your own wings." Hakuryu jawed to show his displeasure, but mounted Sanzo's shoulder and rode as Sanzo made his way into the market.

Sanzo imagined blinders in his peripheral, but every face he saw looked like Ukoku's. Every man, every woman, Ukoku. He pushed it out of his head and tried to remember what Hakkai looked like. Then, voices stopped sounding like the low rumble of casual conversation interspersed with the sharp stings of terse haggling, and started sounding like laughter. His head ached, and Hakuryu whined in his ear. "I'm fine, I'm fine," he whispered, pushing the dragon back. Hakuryu leaned in again and hissed something:

"Liar." Sanzo froze in place- now even Hakuryu sounded like Ukoku. He pulled the dragon off his shoulder.

"You won't insult me." Sanzo held him by the neck, but resisted the instinct to squeeze. Hakuryu tilted his head and chirped. He took a calming breath, and put the dragon back.

"Hey, mister!" Sanzo whirled, and finally saw a face that was not Ukoku- a small boy running towards him. The boy tagged him and leaned over onto his knees, catching his breath. "Mister- there's someone who says he's looking for a priest. Is that you?"

"What someone?" Sanzo smoothed his robes down and leaned closer to the boy. The boy looked up at him.

"Guy in a green shirt and a layman's sash- he needs some help, said there was a priest somewhere near the market who knew him."

Sanzo followed the boy back in the direction he'd come from, and discovered a small crowd gathered around one spot. He pushed his way through, and discovered Hakkai sitting with his head in his hands outside of a store, under a big display window. He had all of the shopping bags around him, and a few young women wearing matching pink shop aprons surrounded him, talking to him in turns.

"What happened to you?" Sanzo asked, and he got down on one knee before him. Hakkai shook his head, rubbing his forehead.

"He collapsed," one of the women explained. Sanzo scowled, and she shrank back.

"I can see that. I was talking to him." He turned his attention back to Hakkai. "What happened?"

"N-n-n-n..." Hakkai swallowed. Sanzo could see the telltale signs- the swollen red marks under his eyes, the dust streaked down his face- that he had only just stopped crying. "Nothing. Nothing."

"He was standing outside the window, and he just fainted," another of the store girls piped in. Sanzo looked up, and realized they were standing outside of a baby supply store, with a window display of toys and clothes on lifeless, eyeless mannequins.

"You fool, you really have worried yourself sick." He forced Hakkai onto his shoulder and lifted him up. "Jeep!" Hakuryu didn't need to be told twice, and found a space just away from the crowd to transform. Sanzo managed to pick Hakkai up with most of the bags and loaded them into the back seat. People still surrounded Hakkai, who pulled himself to a sit and moved some of the bags out of his way.

"I'll be fine, really." He smiled his flat, soulless smile at those who surrounded him with concern. "I'm just exhausted. Thank you all for your kindness." Sanzo shoved the rest of the bags into the passenger seat, and jumped into the driver's side. Hakkai tried to scoot forward as he yanked the door shut. "Sanzo, are you sure you can-"

"I've watched you do this long enough, I think I can figure it out." He looked at the stick and pumped the brakes a few times.

"Don't leave first gear, there's a lot of people right here." Hakkai sat back again, hands folded in his lap, eyes on the floorboard. Sanzo nodded, and put the Jeep in first gear. They trundled out of the crowded street, back towards the spot where they'd parked before. Sanzo saw Hakkai put his face back in his hand out of the corner of his eyes.

Goku was waiting under the coffee shop sign, shuffling his feet and looking all directions, bag under his arm. He turned when he heard the Jeep approaching, and turned, waving and jumping up and down. Sanzo parked the Jeep and got out. "Show me what you got."

"What's wrong with Hakkai?"

"Never you mind that." Sanzo looked back at Hakkai, then held his hand out to Goku. "Show me."

"Sure, here." He shoved his bag at Sanzo and jumped onto the side of the Jeep. "Hakkai, what's wrong?" Sanzo opened the bag and looked at Goku's purchase- an orange and yellow squirt gun.

"You are not keeping this!" He shook the gun, but Goku was no longer paying attention to him.

"Hakkai-"

"It's... It's just..." Hakkai's head drooped; he let his monocle fall into his lap. "Today... Gojyo would be twenty-six weeks pregnant, by my estimate. He's going into his third trimester." The tears started again, but Hakkai didn't even try to hide them. "The baby will do most of its brain development in the next three months. Gojyo... Gojyo's probably starting to get really big, too, he'll be so uncomfortable. I need to be there." Goku tried to pat Hakkai's hand, but he brushed him away. "It's nothing, you see. Nothing important. Just..."

"He's your best friend! It's not nothing!" Goku threw his arms around Hakkai. "Why didn't you just say why you were upset?! Isn't it better than bottling it up like this?!" Hakkai was still in his grasp, but Goku let go. "This isn't like you, man."

"Goku-" Hakkai lifted his head, but Goku turned away and folded his arms tight.

"I mean it! This isn't right- both of you have been so messed up!" Goku stomped away from them. "You're both being so lame!"

"And what have I done?" Sanzo drew the harisen out of his sleeve pocket.

"You're acting like nothing's happened, even when you know it has and you're just as upset as me!" Goku pointed at Sanzo, and then to Hakkai. "And you're acting like he's already dead! He's not! This ain't a funeral, but you're acting like you're driving a hearse!" He plopped down into a crosslegged sit and folded his arms tight, and Sanzo slid the harisen away without another word. "You guys suck. We're not gonna get anywhere like this! Isn't there anything we can do?!"

"Goku, please understand-" Hakkai fixed his monocle back to his nose. "I have been trying to seek him out with my qigong, but it is exhausting to cast such a wide net, and when I haven't even the slightest trace of him-"

"So you've been exhausting yourself to the point of emotional weakness." Sanzo dropped the toy gun into his sleeve and looked at his companions. "You know what? If it will make you both happy, I will consult the spirits and try to divine his location from there."

"Why didn't you do that in the first place?" Goku scowled at Sanzo.

"Don't make that face. If it were that simple, then I would have done it from the first." Sanzo withdrew a cigarette from the box in his sleeve and lit it. "It's wrong to demand favors of the gods for selfish purposes- like missing one who has left us. However, if it is this damaging to our mission to be without him, then I have no choice."

"At this rate, we'll all fall apart," Hakkai agreed, and hung his head. "How shall we go about this?"

"There must be a temple of some sort near a town of this size." Sanzo sighed deeply and leaned on the wall, looking at his feet. "I'll use the sanctuary there." He tilted his eyes up towards Hakkai. "Are you in any shape to drive?" Hakkai giggled- this almost sounded like empathy.

"I think I can manage." He climbed over the seat. "Everyone in. I'll check the map."

Hakkai drove the group a few minutes out of the city to a shrine. Sanzo introduced himself to a cavalcade of adoring monks, but he was already too exhausted to be irritated. He explained the situation to the temple's elder- "One of my bodyguards has vanished, and I wish to pray for his safety and ask the gods for guidance in finding him." Sanzo's request was allowed- as who could refuse a Sanzo?- and he requested privacy in the sanctuary.

Though it was a small shrine, it felt bigger when he was alone in it. The cherry wood floor was polished to a bright shine, reflecting the bright light from the spherical lantern above. He pulled his prayer beads from his pocket, adjusted his sutra over his shoulders, lowered his head and folded his hands. "Hear my voice-"

"Who would ever want to listen to you?" The hair on the back of Sanzo's neck stood upright- Ukoku. Even here, Ukoku. He stood, shadowless, over the round reflection of the lantern light, his sharp-edged glasses reflecting moonlight.

_Ignore him. He's not there._

"I come to you, a humble soul, seeking guidance-"

"And to get laid- or did you not want them to know that part?" Ukoku walked towards Sanzo, leaning forward to try and look into his eyes. Sanzo tried not to look at him.

"Help me find the answers I seek-"

"Please- _answers._ You just want your lover back." Ukoku grinned his sordid, lopsided grin. Sanzo swallowed the denial, tried to remember he was the only one who could hear it, that he had to focus on his task. He started counting the prayer beads, muttering a sutra to himself, and Ukoku tutted and twiddled his thumbs. "You know they know, right? They're always watching you. They know everything you've ever done. They even know that you're lying to them now. You don't actually seek Gojyo, you're just hoping you can get at least one more orgasm out of him." He smirked, and leaned into Sanzo's ear. "Or... have you forgotten already? Your little contract is still good. Whenever you think he deserves you, you can bend him over and fuck him raw, and he'll never complain. Don't you remember? Just how... divine he was in your embrace." Ukoku snickered. "How delightful, those whining, pleading noises he made in his throat, how delicious his taste, how desirable his body heat, how delovely... De... Oh, do help me think of more words that start with a D."

"You disgust me." Sanzo couldn't stop himself, before remembering- it's an illusion, just a dream, just a dream- and he clutched his prayer beads tighter and tried to regain his focus. Ukoku, however, grinned gleefully and folded his hands beneath his chin.

"Disgusting! Yes, that was one you used. But didn't his dick drive you to desperation?" He giggled, and started to pace around Sanzo. Sanzo felt his whole body tense, but forced himself to pray.

"Give me some indication of his location..." Ukoku snickered with glee.

"Did you want to switch with words that end with -ation? No, I think D is much more fun." He started taking the same dainty, lightfooted steps he did around Gojyo in his nightmares, knees high, landing on the balls of his feet, half-tiptoeing around Sanzo. "Dimwit, there's one. Dumbass- a favorite. Dirt under your shoe. Dullard, dolt, dunce, dregs of the earth, a detestable rat." Sanzo clutched his beads harder, feeling his fingers grinding against them, almost sure he could feel cracks forming. He shut his eyes tight, as Ukoku whirled on his heel and started to walk backwards. "Let's try depressed- he must be so lonely. Delirious with hunger, desiccated. Dejected from abandonment. Deluded with false hope. Dreaming of a child he'll never meet. In too deep." Ukoku stopped in front of Sanzo and put his nose less than a hair's breadth away from Sanzo's forehead. "How about dead? Dead, dying, doomed, drowning-"

"Leave me alone!" Sanzo finally screamed, and he took a swing at Ukoku. Ukoku cackled and vanished, but Sanzo could hear his voice echo through the sanctuary- he was nothing, but he was everywhere.

"You know why I'm here, Genjo."

"I don't! How can I?!" Sanzo threw his prayer beads down. "Let me pray in peace- I have to find that rotten idiot, or-"

"Or what?" This was a new voice, but it was one Sanzo knew. He turned on his heel, and saw his own Master come out of the shadows. He smiled his serene, sweet smile, and Sanzo felt like a very small child. "Or you'll have to admit you miss him?"

"M-master-" Sanzo dropped to his knees. He suddenly felt dizzy and weak- when had the smell of incense become this strong? It smelled like flowers, not sandalwood, and it was cloying and heavy. The paper windows may as well have been mud through his eyes.

"There's nothing wrong with it, Genjo." Koumyou smiled and put a hand on his cheek. "You're allowed to want him back. Remember, this is your destiny too. I will tell you this much." He touched the mark of divinity on Sanzo's forehead. "There will be a sign. Keep your eyes skyward." Koumyou pushed Sanzo's forehead, and he collapsed back...

And into the worst nightmare he'd had.

* * *

"Dad!" A small boy, no more than five, rushed towards Gojyo as he entered a small compartment with stone walls and iron bars on the windows, but a floor covered in toys and small clothes. The boy's red hair fell neatly around his head, his smile was big and bright. Gojyo caught the boy and lifted him to his nose.

"Missed you, kid." He set the boy down and sat on the little bed in the room. "What were you up to?"

"Waitin' for you. Here." He gestured all around him, spinning in place.

"Just waitin'? You didn't play any fun games?" Gojyo frowned, and the boy shook his head.

"No, nobody to play with. It's no fun without you. Kin'a makes me wish..." He lowered his head, and Gojyo leaned close to him.

"Wish what?"

"I had someone else." He slouched his little shoulders. Gojyo sighed and got up to his feet.

"Kid... you used to have someone else, you know."

"Eh?" The boy looked up, wide-eyed.

"Yeah. You had a dad." Gojyo stuffed his hands in his pants pockets and looked away. "He didn't want you. Not like I do." He got down on his knees in front of the little boy. "You're all I got. And I'm all you got. I wish you had someone else to be with, but you just gotta stay here and wait for me. Someday, I'll be all yours- I'll never have to leave again." Gojyo tucked the boy's loose hair behind his ears, but his lower lip wiggled. Babyish tears clouded big red eyes.

"Why didn't he want me?"

"Maybe it ain't fair to say that." Gojyo forced a smile. "He... he didn't want me. He didn't want you because he didn't want me. That's all it was." He patted the boy's cheek, then rose to a stand. The boy quickly glommed onto his leg.

"Dad, are you leaving again? Please don't go! It's so lonely in here-" Gojyo shoved the boy off, and stared down at his face with eyes like stone.

"You know, you look a lot like him." Gojyo's whole form stiffened. The boy stepped back, and trembled in place.

"Dad..."

"I'll be back later. Have fun." He turned away and strode back out, shutting the door on the boy's tiny cell behind him. The boy dropped to his knees and tried hard not to cry.

Dokugakuji and Kougaiji waited for Gojyo outside of a great stone fortress, easily five centuries old. Gojyo joined them, his face wiped of emotion. "You said they're close?"

"All our sources say the Jeep is approaching now," Dokugakuji confirmed.

"Fine." Gojyo readied his shakujou. "The priest is mine. I've got an agreement to break." The dust rattled, the cracked ground shaking, the vehicle's engine roaring in the distance, and Gojyo screamed like an animal and rushed towards it-

Then oblivion.

* * *

Six weeks into his imprisonment, Gojyo found the teetering point. His body was at a breaking point, thin and weak. He couldn't bring himself to move unless forced, he could barely lift his hands to push his bedraggled hair from his eyes. His eyes were dim, and light and shadow had started to blend into one. He hadn't shaved in what seemed like a very long time, but his beard had only come in patches- either the excess estrogen or the malnutrition making it thin. He had been this way for nearly a week now, unwilling to make himself move, unable to force himself to do anything but stare at the six sides of packed stone surrounding him. But this day was the worst.

This day, he hadn't felt the baby move at all.

Yaone was sitting with him, medicine in hand, untouched food waiting at his bedside, but he wasn't talking to her today. He was curled up on his cot, knees tight, both hands on his belly, slowly running his hands up and down the sides of it. She waited for him to acknowledge her for ten minutes, and finally cracked.

"Gojyo, what's wrong?" She reached out to him, but he held his middle tightly, protectively and didn't respond. "You must be hungry- please eat." He said nothing, but dug his fingernails into his skin.

_What's the point?_

"Is it the baby? Is something wrong?" Yaone leaned forward, and Gojyo couldn't stop her from touching his bump. He cringed back, and discovered, to his horror, that his face was wet. "Oh, no, please, don't cry!" She folded her hands and interlaced her fingers. "I promise, I'll find out, I'll find out if something's wrong, just please don't start crying!" She jumped to her feet and rushed out, leaving the cell door swinging behind her.

And he laughed.

_Finally. I could just walk out of here... but I ain't got the strength._ He folded his hands on top of his middle. _I'm so sorry, kid. This is all my fault. I didn't think you'd go first, I thought we'd just go together. You... You never deserved this. _He let a weak, sad smile cross his cheeks. _I guess... if you can still hear me... I can sing you to sleep._

**(Suggested Track: "Crimson and Clover," Tommy James and the Shondells, full version. Use your imagination on the first verse, and run to end of chapter!)**

"Ah..." Gojyo let his mouth open in soft song. "Now I don't hardly know ya..." Dokugakuji's ears perked when Gojyo's voice wafted faintly down the hall. "But I think that I love ya..." He tilted himself forward, rocking his body like a cradle. "Like crimson and clover..." Yaone reentered with her full medicine kit, but he couldn't be bothered to halt the motion. He had, however, run out of words. She knelt beside him as he hummed the rest, and drew blood from his arm in a thin syringe. He didn't bother to resist- too weak, too tired. She couldn't bring herself to leave, and he kept humming under his breath until his head dropped into his arms. Dokugakuji and Kougaiji had both approached, after Doku had heard him and beckoned Kougaiji on.

"Yaone, what the hell?" Doku demanded as she exited the cell and shut and locked the door, lips turned down and eyes etched with coming tears. "Did he cry himself out or something?"

"No, no." She shook her head and rubbed her eyes. "He didn't cry himself to sleep. He was just humming some silly song to himself, nothing I know- Crimson and clover, over and over and over." She smeared her eyes dry, and her shoulders sunk. "Once I take this off to be tested, I'll start forcing the medicine. I can't stand this anymore!" She turned and brushed past the two men, and both Dokugakuji and Kougaiji shared a look.

"I'll start now," Doku agreed. He entered the cell and took the medicine off the table where it had been left. He examined them- when had the three pills Yaone had concocted become eight?- but turned to Gojyo and tilted his limp head back. He forced his mouth open and put the pills in one by one, rubbing his throat until he swallowed in between. The deed done, he let Gojyo drop back onto the cot, knowing that the battle to win his brother over had been well and fully lost.

Gojyo had no idea of his victory- he was in too deep to his own dreaming.

* * *

A field of white flowers. Gojyo rose and looked around- the bright blue sky, the endless green and white surrounding him. He pushed himself to his feet on arms strong enough to do so, on legs that supported him. He looked at his hands and body, and realized he had to be dreaming- "I'm not this skinny anymore, except in my own head." He looked around, wondering where his mind had taken him, but it wasn't a place he knew. He heard a soft giggle from behind him, and turned to see a little boy (or maybe a girl; it was hard to tell when they were that young and dressed in a nightgown) waiting with his hands folded behind his back and a big, bright smile on his face. Gojyo curiously crouched near the boy- he looked too familiar. His pale blonde hair, almost as white as the little flowers at his feet, was cut like someone had dropped a bowl on his head and trimmed away everything that had hung out under it, but it fell in feathers and bounced around his deep purple eyes.

"You know," the little boy started, as Gojyo neared him. "What you're looking for is that way." He pointed behind him, the direction Gojyo had faced at first.

"And what's that?" Gojyo smiled serenely- the little boy's pleasant, chirpy voice was something of a comfort.

"That's the river Sanzu." The boy's smile didn't falter. "That's the way to the afterlife." Gojyo whipped his head around, and he could only just see the pale glimmer of water in the distance. "It's still a long ways off, you see. But if that's not where you're going, then you have to go this way." He turned, and Gojyo saw beyond him to a forest of bone. The sky behind the boy was crimson.

"An' what's that?" Gojyo looked at the child, sure he had the answers.

"Life is suffering." The boy shrugged. "And if that's where you want to go, then you're going to feel pain. That place is full of ignorance, of doubt and deceit, of unfulfillable desire. But..." He tugged Gojyo's shoulder and pointed at the forest again, and Gojyo could see another shape moving in the shadows of the crimson moon. "If you go, you won't walk alone. I'll be with you, and so will he."

In the forest of bone, Sanzo found himself opening his eyes from the blackness on the same path where he'd seen the red-haired child walking before. He could hear the bones crunching under his feet, could feel the ominous wind at his back. Somewhere in the distance, thunder struck- surely, it would rain soon. He heard other footsteps, and rushed after them to find the source of the sound. Everything looked the same, all scorched earth and blood, and yet, the paths seemed to tilt themselves around him like a marble in a maze until he found the child he'd seen in his dreams all those months ago. He was still walking along, still staring at the ground, little hands shaking and clasping and unclasping as he toddled along on unsteady feet. Sanzo stumbled to a halt a few paces away from him, stunned to have found him.

"Hey, mister-" He stopped moving when Sanzo did, and looked up at him with doleful red eyes. "You lookin' for me?" Sanzo didn't respond, eyes wide, hands shaking. A shy smile crossed his face, and he wiped the tears away, shaking his flowing red hair around him. "I thought nobody would ever come looking. So, can I be 'it' now?"

"It?" Sanzo frowned, and the boy nodded.

"It's a game, isn't it? Life, I mean." He looked around. "Sure, there's terrible stuff, but if you're playing with someone, it's a little easier. I'm just so tired of bein' 'It.'" He looked back up at Sanzo. "So, will you be 'It' with me? Or- are you 'It' a lot too?" Sanzo pursed his lips, unsure of what to say, and the boy set his hands on his hips and cocked his eyebrow. "Don't you have anyone to play with?" He held out his little hand. "I'll find you someone else to play with, if you'd like. I think I saw someone, too." Sanzo resisted for a moment, but his hand fell into the boy's and fit there all too naturally.

He led him along, forcing Sanzo to hunch over to keep a grip on his hand as they wandered back the way Sanzo had come from and beyond to the edge of the forest of bone. Sanzo didn't even realize the place had an end, but now that he looked out across the blue skies and the distant, rolling plains of soft green grass and blossoming clover, he wasn't sure how he could have missed it. He gazed, open mouthed, across, as he spotted the one thing that broke up the infinite expanse of white flowers- bright red hair, and Gojyo's lithe form against the sunlight.

"He'll play with you," the red-haired boy giggled, but when Sanzo went to look at him again, he was gone.

The shadows in the forest of bone had materialized, into the shape of Sanzo. Gojyo's jaw fell open. "If he's there... my friends must be there too." He grinned, and looked down at the fair-haired boy, but he was already gone. It didn't matter. He ran for the forest, hands extended. "Sanzo! Hey! Sanzo!"

Sanzo could see him coming towards him, reaching for him, delight in his every feature. He heard him calling his name, but not out of held his hand out, then retracted it as though he'd been burned. Gojyo still ran for him, calling his name. Sanzo steeled himself, and let his legs carry him from the dark forest and across the field. He did not know why he ran so fast, nor why Gojyo never seemed to get any closer, but Gojyo called his name, over and over:

"Sanzo! Sanzo!"

The distance never closed, though both ran at breakneck speed for the other. Not until Sanzo thrust his hand out and called back:

"GOJYO!" And for that split second, he could feel Gojyo's fingers brush against his.

* * *

Sanzo shot upright, surrounded by his companions and the other monks from the temple. "Lord Sanzo, you passed out." The temple elder helped him to his feet, and he dusted himself off, still shaking from exhaustion. Goku stood up alongside him.

"You must'a gotten a real good vision!" He grinned. Hakkai rose, fixed on Sanzo and listening as he managed to make his lips move.

"You could say that." He smoothed his hair beside his head, his hand trembling. He could still hear Gojyo's voice calling him, but Ukoku's voice and presence were gone. "I have a clue, and an image to follow. It's... all they could allow. I need air." He stumbled past the monks and the others, out into the sunlight, and looked at the road in front of him.

No white flowers, no red skies. All an illusion, all in his mind. And yet, his heart still echoed with Gojyo's voice.

_Are you... are you really calling for me?_

* * *

And Kanzeon Bosatsu sat back in hir chair, interlacing hir hands beneath hir chin and smirking. "If that's the only thing you'll listen to, so be it."

* * *

**End Notes:** The whole "lovers running towards each other in the field of flowers" thing is pretty cliché, I know. However, with these two, in this situation, it just sort of works.

One little note: the brick over the genitals, as mentioned in Sanzo's first nightmare, is a reference to a Yemeni or Lebanese law (if memory serves.) Said law states that undertakers may perform autopsies on corpses of the opposite gender as long as the genitals are covered with a brick. This may be outdated, as I can't seem to find any record of anything like that, so feel free to correct me, but that was the reference I was making.

6B's up in two weeks!


End file.
